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Cheney Misfires Big Time & Other Dick Cheney Humor

Birthplace of Auld Lang Impeachment  The Traitorgate (Plame-Gate) Song Parody,  Say Goodbye To Tom DeLay,  Oh, What A Mis'rable Failure

Dubya's White House Daze  Dubya's Diary Archives  This Week  Last Week  Dubya's Diary Main


Weeks 109-132 (2/17/03-8/3/03) "Dear Diary -- Damn the snow! Which reminds me -- I hear Dave Frum's book about me says swearin's not allowed in my White House. Course that rule doesn't apply ta me. But then no rules apply ta me..."

Weeks 92-108 (10/21/02-2/16/03) "Dear Diary -- I can't believe I still don't have my UN resolution. France & Russia are a whole lot harder ta push around then the Dems..."

Weeks 85-91 (9/2/02-10/20/02) "Dear Diary -- Boy am I bummed! Fer one thing, my vacation's over & it went way too fast. And no matter how many times I ask, they won't let me move my office permanent-like ta Texas..."

Weeks 80-84 (7/29/02-9/1/02)  "Dear Diary -- I did lotsa golfin Saturday & Sunday. Had ta practice up fer next weekend in Maine, cause it sure would be nice ta beat Poppy fer a change..."

Weeks 78-79 (July 15-28, '02) "Dear Diary -- How come every time I give a speech the damn market drops extra? It even dropped yesterday when I talked in Alabama. I don't get it -- it's not like I mixed up deflation & devaluation like I did in Japan..."

Weeks 76-77 (July 1-14, 2002) "Dear Diary -- Man, that colon thingy hurt big time! What's the gooda bein knocked unconscious if ya still end up with pain? Almost as much pain as I felt after the health expo race, where I still think a buncha people cheated..."

Weeks 73-75 (June 10-30, '02) "Dear Diary -- That louse Lieberman has some hellofa nerve. The braggart's runnin around takin credit fer my new security plan, just cause it's pretty much the same as the one he came up with last year. And cause Ridge called him up last week ta chew the fat fer a few hours. Pure coincidence -- hahaha..."

Week 72 (June 3-9, 2002)         "Dear Diary -- I've been back from Europe fer almost a week & I'm still jet-lagged. Of course it's all Jebby's fault! He made me get up early my 1st day back & help him out with some enviro nonsense on accounta his reelection's in trouble. I didn't wanna, but he says I owe him big time! He sure is milking the Florida ballot thing..."

Weeks 70-71 (5/20/02-6/2/02)  "Dear Diary -- Everyone keeps tryin ta give me advice. Poppy called 3 times on Sunday alone, tellin me ta stay the course & everything'll be fine. But what the hell does Poppy know? He's just a has-been one-termer! ..."

Week 69 (May 13-19, 2002)     "Dear Diary -- Damn! The Connecticut Dept. of Transportation is puttin signs on a coupla highways, sayin "Welcome to New Haven, Connecticut, Birthplace of George W. Bush, the 43rd President of the United States." I hate it when people mess with my Texas image..."

Week 68 (May 6-12, 2002)       "Dear Diary -- What's happenin ta my perfectly tight ship? White or some underling went ta Congress behind Rummy's back & made noise bout him dumpin that Crusader thing they're so attached ta. So Ashy wants ta dump White, even though we've been hopin ta embarass White inta leavin volunteerlike. But no matter what we do, he refuses ta get embarassed..."

Weeks 66-67 (4/22/02-5/5/02)  "Dear Diary -- Damn that Arlen Specter! He had the nerve ta say I should take Bill Clinton up on his offer ta help with the Mideast mess. He even said Clinton's advice would be invaluable. And he calls himself a Republican? That guy's been spendin way too much time with Teddy Kennedy..."

Week 65 (Ap. 15-21, 2002)      (Note From Mad Kane: Happy Tax Day!) "Dear Diary -- Another awful week! The whole Venezuela thing backfired, & nobody believes Ari when he denies we encouraged a coup. Course that all depends on what the meanin a "coup" is. And "encouraged" is. And "a" is..."

Week 64 (Ap. 8-14, 2002)        "Dear Diary -- What a miserable weekend! Ta start with, me & Tony couldn't do any fun outdoor stuff cause it rained. Which we need in Crawford, but not when I'm there..."

Weeks 62-63 (3/25/02-4/7/02)  "Dear Diary -- My Latino trip went real good, considerin that my fast track's goin nowhere. I had Flores eatin outta my hands, & all it took was callin him mi amigo. I also had a nice visit with Fox & I gave Toledo a lesson in separation a powers. That guy's got great taste in ties..."

Week 61 (Mar. 18-24, 2002)     "Dear Diary -- I can't believe what's goin on between Daschle & Lott -- they're fightin like cats & dogs. Which is kinda an insult ta birthday girl Spotty come ta think on it..."

Week 60 (Mar. 11-17, 2002)     "Dear Diary -- I'm throwin a 6-month 9/11 celebration party on the South Lawn today. Okay, maybe it's not exactly a party. And I suppose it's not even a celebration, come ta think of it. Though the opportunity through the tears has been great fer my poll numbers..."

Weeks 58-59 (2/25/02-3/10/02) "Dear Diary -- I'm glad ta be back in the USA, where there's Christian values & honest Merican beef. And students can't ask mean questions..."

Week 57 (Feb. 18-24, 2002)     "Dear Diary -- Everyone's in a tizzy on accounta me mixin up deflation & devaluation when I was in Japan. They even say my mistake made financial markets wobble. But I don't see what the big deal is. Japan's economy sucks big time anyway. And Japan refuses ta take my advice & increase jobs by cuttin taxes on rich folks. So they pretty much deserve what they get. Besides, it's not like I threw up on anyone..."

Week 56 (Feb. 11-17, 2002)     "Dear Diary -- I gave another "rah rah let's roll" speech at the Olympics opener & then headed off ta Jackson Hole. I was gonna stick round fer a buncha the games, but it turns out there isn't any baseball. What the hell kinda Olympics is that..."

Week 55 (Feb. 4-10, 2002)       "Dear Diary -- Yesterday was "New Realities" Budget Day. And what a great budget it is, with almost everything going ta my favorite stuff. Like the military, homeland security, & tax cuts fer my friends. Plus TV ads that say "fight terrorism by fightin illegal drugs." Unless the drugs come from pals like the Northern Alliance..."

Week 54 (Jan. 28-Feb. 3, 2002) "Dear Diary -- The media's upset cause I haven't been givin em much access lately. Ari even cancelled some question sessions at the last minute, just fer fun. That should teach em a lesson fer pesterin me bout Enron..."

Week 53 (Jan. 21-27, 2002)      "Dear Diary -- Wow! I can't hardly believe I've been President fer one whole year. And what a fabulous year it's been! Fer me, anyway -- hahahah! I guess this is what it's like when ya hit the Trifecta..."

Week 52 (Jan. 14-20, 2002)      "Dear Diary -- Faintin from a pretzel? What kinda twisted cover story is a pretzel goin down wrong? Who the hell's gonna swallow that?..."

Week 51 (Jan. 7-13, 2002)        "Dear Diary -- I really stuck it ta Daschle this weekend and it felt great! Okay, maybe not as great as personally routin out bin Laden the way Barney routs out armadillos. But pretty damn close..."

Weeks 48-50 (12/17/01-1/6/02) "Dear Diary -- I sure have gotten a whole ... uhm ... sledload a Christmas cards. Not that I'm countin, but it's only Dec. 18, & I already got more'n Poppy's all-time record. I'll haveta brag bout that in between rubbin his nose in my poll numbers..."

Week 47 (Dec. 10-16, 2001)      "Dear Diary -- Last week sure went amazinly great! Fer one thing, the Senate Dems caved big time on the anti-terror plan. Plus I'm so close ta havin fast track, I can near ta taste it. Cause twistin arms is real easy when the country's at war. And we've got so many trouble spots, war's bound ta last as long as I need it ta..."

Week 46 (Dec. 3-9, 2001)          "Dear Diary -- I was hopin ta do another rah-rah radio address Saturday. Cause battlin evil & threatenin ta smoke out Bin Laden always gives me a rush. But they said I had ta talk bout the economy & remind people that the recession isn't my fault. Cause Clinton started it on the sly so nobody'd notice & the next guy'd be stuck with the blame..."

Week 45 (Nov. 26-Dec.2, 2001) "Dear Diary -- Lotsa family values celebratin at Camp David this weekend! It seems like every year Thanksgivin & the twins birthday come at aroun the same time. And this year was no exception..."

Week 44 (Nov. 19-25, 2001)      "Dear Diary -- From now on I'm gonna invite more foreign leaders ta Texas. Cause it's a great excuse ta spend long weekends at the ranch..."

Week 43 (Nov. 12-18, 2001)      "Dear Diary -- I can't believe I spent the whole weekend stuck in New York City. I'm not sure what's worse -- the UN or Ground Zero. Actually, the UN part started out okay -- I gave a real rousin speech. But then Arafat ruined things by givin his own speech and gettin a lot more applause..."

Week 42 (Nov. 5-11, 2001)        "Dear Diary -- Laura's been feelin neglected lately cause I'm so busy fightin the war. But we managed ta squeeze in a nice weekend at Camp David. It doesn't compare ta the ranch, but I guess it'll have ta do..."

Week 41 (Oct. 29-Nov. 4, 2001) "Dear Diary -- I hear North Korea's Kim is mad at me fer callin him suspicious and secretive. He even wants an apology and thinks I don't have etiquette. Like I care! Earth ta Kim -- I don't have time fer you -- I'm busy fightin the evil one. As fer etiquette, at least I don't eat with chopsticks..."

Week 40 (Oct. 22-28, 2001)       "Dear Diary -- I can't believe all the borin meetins I had ta sit thru the last 3 days. It was all I could do ta stay awake. Actually, I did drift off once or twice. What do they expect? I'm focused like a laser on terrorism, and they keep talkin bout trade..."

Week 39 (Oct. 15-21, 2001)       "Dear Diary -- Things sure have changed in the last few weeks. Fer one thing, nobody's allowed to make fun of me anymore..."

Week 33 (Sept. 3-10, 2001)        "Dear Diary -- I made a buncha good speeches since I finished takin a vacation from Washington & connectin with real Americans. Fer instance, I thought Saturday's radio address bout my education reform bill went real well. I specially liked where I said that in return fer gettin new resources, schools will have more countability. It's so cool how new resources sounds like more money but isn't..."

Week 32 (Aug. 27-Sept. 2, 2001) "Dear Diary -- I'm real sad bout havin ta leave the ranch soon & head up ta DC. But Karl promised I won't haveta do mucha that borin governin. Instead I'm gonna mostly do my PR offensive charm thing all round the country. Or at least the parts that voted fer me..."

Week 31 (Aug. 20-26, 2001)       "Dear Diary -- The nerva that GAO -- sendin me a letter demandin I turn over Dick's secret energy meetin records. They even threatened ta sue. Whose side are they on, anyway? Besides, it's not like Dick'd let me even if I wanted to..."

Week 30 (Aug. 13-19, 2001)       "Dear Diary -- I went on one a them TV shows Friday -- on ABC I think -- and showed off how much I love my Heartland ranch. Like I told the pregant girl that interviewed me, it's my home!!! Plus when I'm away more than a week I get antsy..."

Week 29 (Aug. 6-12, 2001)        "Dear Diary -- It's great bein back at the ranch. I love havin nothin to do but pretend I'm thinkin bout stem cells..."

Week 28 (July 30-Aug. 5, 2001) "Dear Diary -- I don't know who to be mad at first -- the damn Dems or those punishment-deservin GOP turncoats who keep votin based on self-interest insteada mine..."

Week 27 (July 23-29, 2001)      "Dear Diary -- I made it thru another one! The G7/8 thing went real good and the press weren't even mean to me this time. They were too busy talkin bout the dead guy..."

Week 26 (July 16-22, 2001)      "Dear Diary -- There's a whole lotta upheavin in the House on accounta last Thursday's campaign finance reform funny business. I don't really understand what happened. But Dick says don't worry -- nobody else does neither. The only thing I know is McCain the Pain is involved even tho I'm pretty sure he works for the Senate..."

Weeks 24-25 (July 1-15, 2001)  "Dear Diary -- I proposed a compromised oil lease plan yesterday on accounta the House & Jeb turnin into greeny weenies. Jeb was kickin up a real big fuss, even threatenin to ruin my July 4th weekend if I didn't give him what he wanted. The lucky guy -- he's up in Maine already -- he can take longer vacations then me cause he's only a governor..."

Week 23 (June 25-30, 2001)      "Dear Diary -- I hear Jersey jailbird-to-be Torricelli is PO'd cause I -- I mean the Justice Dept. -- won't let him have a Special Prosecutor. I can't imagine why he thinks he needs a Special Prosecutor -- hahaha..."

Week 22 (June 18-24, 2001)      "Dear Diary -- Boy am I glad to be back home in God Bless America! I'm soooo tired of diplobabble. And of havin good meetins & lookin guys straight in the eye & tryin to remember that Africa isn't a country. Plus I haven't had a good taco & workout in days..."

Week 21 (June 11-17, 2001)      "Dear Diary -- I was hopin to do some fishin this weekend at the ranch. But instead of lettin me relax, they locked me in a room with Condy Arroz. They said I had to study up for my Europe trip so I'll look like I know stuff..."

Week 20 (June 4-10, 2001)        "Dear Diary -- Another awful weekend -- startin Friday with me stuck sittin at a funeral with Clinton/Gore. Talk about tense! After the rumors, I didn't think we'd all fit in the pew. But Gore didn't look nearly as fat as everyone's sayin. Too bad! ..."

Week 19 (May 28-June 3, 2001) "Dear Diary -- What a terrible weekend! I was real bummed about Jeffords and was hopin Laura'd cheer me up. But she said she had her own problems..."

Week 18 (May 21-27, 2001)      "Dear Diary -- A buncha governors, includin some Republican ones, are bitchin bout the energy plan, claimin it takes power away from states and gives it to the Feds. But I told em we'd never take electric power from the states. Then they said not electric power -- regulatory power..."

Week 17 (May 14-20, 2001)      "Dear Diary -- They made me do another press conference Friday. I hate those things cause they cover too many topics and salt me with questions about stuff I don't remember the answers to. But Ari was a big help! Just before I started he reminded me to sneak in referrals to my tax relief plan when I didn't have an answer, even if it had nothin to do with the question..."

Week 16 (May 7-13, 2001)        "Dear Diary -- Friday was my best day yet as President cause the Yankees came to visit me at the White House. Stuff like that & T-ball on the South Lawn with Costas doin play-by-play makes it all worth while..."

Week 15 (Ap. 30-May 6, 2001) "Dear Diary -- This weekend the papers were full of 100 day stories on me plus stuff about that make believe hero Kerrey. I told Dick the next time anybody bitches about my National Guard service I'm gonna say at least I didn't kill innocent people. But Dick said I should probably let lyin dogs sleep..."

Week 14 (Ap. 23-29, 2001)       "Dear Diary -- Wow, it's Wednesday already & I haven't written a single word here all week. Goin to Canada & gettin ready for the 1st 100 days anniversary & practicin remedial humbleness takes up a lotta time..."

Week 13 (Ap. 16-22, 2001)       "Dear Diary -- I sure am glad Tax Day is almost over. It's bad enough bein so rich I have an unfair tax burden. But on top of that the liberal media's been nosin around Dick & my finance info & complainin we dont pay enuff. But like Dick said if they're mad this year they're gonna be mad Big Time next year after my tax plan is past..."

Week 12 (Ap. 9-15, 2001)         "Dear Diary -- I had a pretty good weekend even though a buncha papers said I screwed up my first pitch at Brewers stadium. It wasn't my fault -- they made me wear that stupid vest. I'd like to see the liberal media try to throw a ball wearin a bulletproof vest..."

Week 11 (Ap. 2-8, 2001)           "Dear Diary -- I'm real mad at China. Sundays my one day to sleep late & on acounta China they woke me up real early yesterday. Everyone was upset cause China interrupted one of our Navy spy planes & collided into it & a buncha our men are missin. I still think they coulda let me sleep another coupla hours..."

Week 10 (Mar. 26-Ap. 1, 2001) "Dear Diary -- Last week was pretty good all in all -- except fer some trouble with the Senate. Somethin to do with campaign finance reform and McCain the Pain's poison pill. But Dick says dont worry I'll get to exercise my veto. And Caren Hughes says I can even exercise it while I'm exercisin..."

Week 9 (Mar. 19-25, 2001)        "Dear Diary -- The medias been even meaner than usual the last coupla days so I guess my engagement is offishully over..."

Week 8 (Mar. 12-18, 2001)        "Dear Diary -- Friday was a fun day. I even got to order my first 60 day cooling off period and threaten to stop a buncha airline strikes. Dick says if I keep up the good work some day they'll name an airport after me..."

Week 7 (Mar. 5-11, 2001)          "Dear Diary -- It's gonna be another big tax cut and budget week. And things are looking real good causa great work by the House Mean Ways Committee..."

Week 6 (Feb. 26-Mar. 4, 2001)  "Dear Diary -- Laura and I went down to Camp David Friday and spent a lotta time with Tony Blare and his wife. He seems like a nice enough guy even though he's chummy with Clinton. Plus he has excellent taste in toothpaste. But he and her sure do talk funny..."

Week 5 (Feb. 19-25, 2001)         "Dear Diary -- There was lotsa family high fivin this weekend over my Friday operation. That'll teach Sadam to start up with this Bush. From now on that guy's gonna confirm with his agreement or else..."

Week 4 (Feb. 12-18, 2001)         "Dear Diary -- I spent the weekend at Camp David -- my first time since Poppy left office. Its much cooler now that I'm the Prez..."

Week 3 (Feb. 5-11, 2001)           "Dear Diary -- What a ruff weekend! Laura's still mad at Dick on acounta what he said about teachers. I never shudda put it in my diary..."

Week 2 (Jan. 29-Feb. 4, 2001)    "Dear Diary -- Decided to switch diary writing from bedtime to first thing in the morning -- as soon as I get to the Oval Office. It'll give me something to do..."

Week 1 (Jan. 20-28, 2001)          "Dear Diary -- Poppy says I haveta keep a diary of my Prezidency. Every night at 9:30 before my lovely wife Laura and I turn in I'm supposed to write something about my day. He said I should try to make it sound dignuhfied.."

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