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July 1, 2002

Dear Diary -- Man, that colon thingy hurt big time! What's the gooda bein knocked unconscious if ya still end up with pain? Almost as much pain as I felt after the health expo race, where I still think a buncha people cheated.

They made me transfer power ta Cheney while I was out, even though I didn't wanna do it. I was worried he wouldn't give it back.

But Andy said don't worry, that couldn't happen. I'm supposeta believe him after that Esquire fiasco?

Of course Dick pushed real hard fer the transfer under some amendment or other, sayin it was a good way ta remind people we're at war. Especially since Congress hasn't gotten around ta declarin it. But I still think he just wanted ta be President.

I suppose the main thing, like Laura said, is everything turned out okay. After 2 hours I got a clean bill a health plus my Presidency back. I celebrated by workin out right away on accounta the whole image thing. Even though I just wanted ta take a long nap.

And speakina naps, the whole corporate fraud thing is turnin inta a nightmare. Between Worldcom & all the other ones, this number fudgin has got ta stop!

The worst part is that people are startin ta notice that self-policin doesn't work. So I guess I may haveta push for corporate reforms ... insteada just pretendin ta push fer corporate reforms.

Ashy may even have ta send some book-cookers straight inta jail. Only not the ones that gave me lotsa money.

July 2, 2002

Note from Mad Kane: Dubya's too tired to post today. Hey, what do you want from him? Slashing aid for E.P.A. cleanup at 33 toxic sites is exhausting work! Here's what I've been up to.

July 4, 2002

Dear Diary -- Laura's sure in a bad mood today. Fer one thing, she just found out that some library group she useta belong ta said bad things bout her. They're in a tizzy just cause she sided with me bout sendin FBI agents ta libraries ta see what certain people are readin. Of course she took my side. Last time I checked she was my wife.

Besides, like Ashy always says, if ya don't have anything ta hide, ya don't have anything ta worry bout.

Laura's also upset bout some new Pew poll that puts Hillary Clinton way aheada her in ratin who makes an ideal first lady. The only good part is Mom beat botha em. But fer some reason that didn't make Laura feel better.

All I can say is, I'm glad Laura's already bought me my birthday gifts.

Course all I really want fer my birthday is fer my Harken SEC mess ta go away. I still can't believe that Krugman creep unburied it. And I can't wait ta bury him!

July 9, 2002

Dear Diary -- I had a pretty good birthday weekend, considerin that I spent it in Maine. I like it much better where it's a hundred in the shade. And where I can stick my feet any place I wanna.

I still can't believe how strict Mom is! She refuses ta let me put my feet on the table, even when Poppy reminds her I'm President.

But at least the fishin & golfin's good at Walker's Point. Though I like it better when the twins don't catch bigger fish than me.

The twins gave me some real nice gifts, though I can't remember what. In fact I got so many presents, I completely lost track. I'm sure glad it's the wife who's stuck sendin thank you notes.

My favorite gift, I think, is my El Jefe cap, which means Chief in French --- hahaha! Must tell that one ta Mr. Intercontinental.

One thing I didn't get much of is books -- I guess people are finally takin the hint. Which reminds me -- Some library took away my borrowin privileges ta punish me fer the FBI library snoopin thing. Like I care! I get all my "pretend ta read" books fer free.

The weekend wasn't all fun & games, of course. Fer instance, I had ta practice that awful Wall Street speech. Plus Karl interrupted my celebratin ta bother me bout some CNN poll that says people trust the Dems 2 ta 1 over Republicans on the big bz issue. I'm sure glad this isn't 2004!

The other thing I did this weekend was get ready fer Monday's surprise press conference. Karl & Ari figured the press'd be so tuckered out from holiday partyin, they'd go easy on the Harken business. Except they were wrong! Karen wouldna made that mistake!!

July 10, 2002

Note from Mad Kane: Dubya's too upset by all the bad press he's suddenly getting to post today. But I on the other hand...

July 12, 2002

Dear Diary -- Karen's been gone fer like five minutes, & already everything's fallin apart. Of course Barty, Andy, & Karl say it's just a coincidence, but I'm not sure bout that. I should probably fire someone, if I could figure out who.

If Karen was around you can be damn sure the press wouldn't be laughin in my face & harassin me bout Harken. And they'd be swallowin my it's Clinton's fault whole like they always useta.

Not that I'd ever say it's Clinton's fault -- I let other people do it fer me. Though I did sneak in some cool lines bout "problems a long time in the makin" & "late 90's greed" which, last time I checked, was when Clinton/Gore was Prez.

But hardly anyone's buyin it, and the damn market keeps lettin me down. Plus my "financial crimes squat team" didn't get people all roused up.

And ta make matters even worse, dastardly Daschle had the nerve ta say I spoke real loud but carried a real small stick. If he doesn't watch out, I'll tell him what he can do with that stick.

Anyway, I'm too upset ta write anymore, though I did make up a brand new song.

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