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May 20, 2002

Dear Diary -- Everyone keeps tryin ta give me advice. Poppy called 3 times on Sunday alone, tellin me ta stay the course & everything'll be fine. But what the hell does Poppy know? He's just a has-been one-termer!

And Karen called a buncha times from wherever she's babysittin Laura, with advice that's just as useless. She says all I need ta do is hang tuff & keep playin the patriotism card. I'm supposta listen ta a woman who abandons me fer her cry-baby son who misses his mommy?

Then there's Dick & Karl who swear that if we keep talkin bout new, scary, make-believe threats, everyone'll forget what I knew & did last September. But I'm not listenin ta those guys anymore --they're the ones who got me inta this mess!

Plus the best Ari can come up with is ta tell me ta calm down & let him handle the press. This from a guy who gets named Time.com's Person a the Week outta pity!

Which reminds me -- in between gettin harassed by media types, Ari's been checkin out the Coulter book ta see if it's a good one fer me ta carry around and pretend ta read. But I'd rather pretend ta read a bio by Nixon.

May 22, 2002

Dear Diary -- I'm off ta Germany today & I'm really lookin forward ta seein Laura & Jenna. Note ta self: Congratulate Jenna fer stayin outta trouble fer 10 whole days.

This trip couldn'ta come at a better time. Talk bout needin ta distract the press & change the subject! Cause announcin new threats didn't work this time -- probably cause Ridge fergot ta change the damn color code again.

The only thing that helped at all was makin Ashy & Mueller take the blame fer not tellin me bout the memo. The media swallowed that one hook, line, & sinner.

But now Ashy's real mad bout bein forced ta be a fall guy. He's says it isn't fair -- he was just followin my "tell me as little as possible" policy & sharin info with me on a "need ta sleep" basis.

He's right of course, not that I'm bout ta admit it. But I calmed him down by promisin he can keep his job & listenin ta his stupid new gun song again.

May 24, 2002

Dear Diary -- I had a great time runnin around Germany tellin em how scared a terror they should be. It was almost as much fun as scarin folks back in the Homeland.

But I coulda done without bein lectured bout Kyoto by that Wolfgang guy. Plus I'd a been a whole lot happier if they'd a kept all those demon-strators away from me. The last thing I need is German types tellin me ta eat more pretzels.

I like it much better in Pootie-Poot country. Fer one thing, they're a whole lot better at keepin demon-strators under control! Plus I'm real fond a Putin, even though fer some reason he doesn't like his nickname.

On the other hand, he acted real pleased when I told him how much I liked readin Punishment & Crime by that Dosty guy, just like Condy told me too.

Of course the fella's still bein stubborn bout sellin nuke stuff ta Iran. Money, money, money -- That's all that guy thinks bout. A man after my own heart!

May 29, 2002

Dear Diary -- What a miserable week! Flyin from dull country ta duller country without gettin enuff sleep. Meetin with so-called world leaders & a half-dead Pope. Bein forced ta pretend ta like churches & old museums. And all the while Dick is in Wyomin, fishin insteada me.

The worst part was when Karen took away my gum -- even though she knows I need it ta calm my nerves when I'm round people that are smart. But she took it anyway on accounta the spittin-out-gum picture they kept showin on Russian TV. Course it coulda been worse -- at least they didn't photo me blowin pink bubbles.

Anyway, Karen says chewin gum & spittin it out isn't dignifed & Laura agrees. But I say it's parta my real American image, along with tellin jokes, makin up nicknames, & actin Texas-tuff. And besides, dignified is borin -- if the People wanted dignified they shoulda voted fer Gore.

So the minute I got on the plane headed fer home, I made Karen give it back. Then I shoved three whole pieces in my mouth plus a fistful a cheeze doodles. What a great combo!

Laura says my trip was a big success, & I suppose she's right. Fer one thing, it got me away from the "what did I know" mess. Plus I signed some big-time treaties & gave lotsa great speeches. Like in Germany, where I explained how mean Saddam is fer gassin his own people. And in France where I commemorialized D-Day. Plus that great thing I said somewhere about uninalienable rights.

Also it was fun tellin off that pesty Gregory guy who kept askin mean questions & pretendin ta know lotsa languages. I hope Intercontinental Man likes his new nickname.

Speakina names, I hear Chirac's real insulted on accounta I kept fergettin ta call him by whatever his title is & callin him Jacques instead. Hell, he's lucky I didn't call him Silvia or Gerhard or Vlad.

May 31, 2002

Note From Mad Kane: I read the news each day, oh boy.

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