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Dubya's Dayly Diary       Subscribe to MadKane Humor

(Updated each weekday unless Dubya's "Gone Fishin'")

Dubya's Early White House Daze -- Week 33   This Week  Last Week  Archives  Main  Home

Sept. 4, 2001

Dear Diary -- I made a buncha good speeches since I finished takin a vacation from Washington & connectin with real Americans. Fer instance, I thought Saturday's radio address bout my education reform bill went real well. I specially liked where I said that in return fer gettin new resources, schools will have more countability. It's so cool how new resources sounds like more money but isn't!

And my "I care bout People" Labor Day speech in Green Bay Wisconsin went even better. I started off with my standard line bout them bein the friendliest folks I ever met. And I talked a whole lot bout literacy, & how a literate child is more likely to be able to learn, & how busy Laura's been heraldin it. Herald is this week's new word of the week, but I ferget what it means.

I also talked bout me changin the tone in Washington & how certain people there do a whole lotta ugly finger pointin & name pointin. I wanted to tell em who, but I'm not allowed to.

Then I explained how my tax relief is the right thing fer the country cause our economy isn't clicking on all cylinders but it's their money & givin it back to em will make it start clickin again.

But even though my speeches went well, I'm still bummed out on accounta that too-big-fer-his-britches Putin. I just found out he dissed me to some Finlandish reporter. Also, it looks like he's tryin to back outa visitin my ranch. He's probably scared I'll beat the pants off him fishin & golf & runnin, which I damn well will!

Sept. 5, 2001

Dear Diary -- Yesterday I met with Trent Lott, who I'm still mad at fer becomin the Minority Leader. Of course he keeps sayin it's not his fault. Yeah, right. And I suppose Helms & Gramm Cracker Phil aren't his fault neither. I told him the next retirement I hear bout better be a Dem.

After that we laffed bout the pickle we got the tax & spend Dems in. When we're thru with defense there won't be a dime left fer any of their liberal compassion crap.

Which reminds me, those liberal media types are bein real pushy lately. They keep tryin to pin me down bout whether I'll veto any appropriations bill that taps into the Social Security surplus. No way am I answerin that question!

So I used Ari's "answer some other question" trick and said the Social Security folks'll get their checks. But the reporter noticed I didn't answer the question & kept repeatin it real pesty like. So I said I already answered it. Then I ended the press conference quick before they could bother me any more.

Later on I talked ta Daschle, who bitched mostly bout education. He said the only reason the Dems went along with more school countability was they were promised more money. I told him the Dems are just gonna haveta adjust their appetites, and realize they can't spend their way out a town. I also said there'll be no more money fer schools -- I'll oppose it mightily. Then he said that's not fair, and I said fair's for children -- unless they're in school -- hahaha!

Sept. 6, 2001

Dear Diary -- I punished the press big time yesterday on accounta what they pulled Tuesday, pressurin me ta answer questions I didn't wanna answer. So durin the Fox "Welcome to Casa Blanca" ceremony, I told em all ta shut up. And I got away with it too, cause I did it in Mexican. Note to self: Ask Putin how to say shut up in Russian. And ask Sharon how to say it in Israili.

But the guy I really wanted to say shut up to -- in any damn language -- is Fox. He pulled a fast one durin his openin visit remarks by demandin a migration agreement before the end of this year. He had a hellava nerve sayin that durin a "make nice" ceremony. A Mexican immigrant deal is a tuff enuff sell as it is without him actin like a bully. If anyone's gonna do any bullyin round here it's me.

Later on I talked ta him frank-like, mano a mano & told him ta cool it or else. I said Mexico is our neighbor & we ought to have a neighborhood that's prosperous and peaceful. But that if he ever pulls a stunt like that again, he'll haveta dump his no-skill migrants somewhere else.

After that he behaved himself, so I gave him a nice toast at the state dinner. I ferget what I said -- somethin like a long border lies between us & multiplies us.

Sept. 10, 2001

Dear Diary -- I've been in a real bad mood the last coupla days. The only good part was when I got ta do coin flippin to open the National Football League season. It's stuff like that that makes bein President worthwhile. That & gettin ta tell lotsa folks what ta do.

Except these days it seems like everyone's tryin ta tell me what ta do. And that's not what I signed on for! They're complainin that I messed up the country's economics even tho it's Clinton/Gore's fault. And they're sayin I've gotta stop askin people if they got their rebate checks & tellin em it's fixin up the economy, cause it isn't. That's got me real riled up cause except fer talkin bout characters & communities, it's my favorite subject!

They're even tellin me I haveta come up with some sorta plan & do somethin forcible ta spurt the economy. What the hell my sposeta do bout it? It's not like they didn't know my feelins bout fuzzy math way back when Dick & I were runnin & Clinton/Gore was causin a recession.

Plus they're complainin that I'm not bein commandin & that I mess up when I talk temporaneously. And that my new "I care" message isn't comin thru good enuff. They're even sayin I gotta use the prompter & read what the speech writers write insteada wingin it like I liketa. And that's just not fair -- the prompter hurts my head.

I've gotta do somethin ta make me feel better. I know -- Maybe I'll phone up that tennis playin girl who beat out her younger sister & snatched the big enchilada. Hearin bout that match made me feel real good -- it reminded me how I beat out Jeb & I'm President & he's not.

© 2001 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

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