Dubya's White House Daze -- Weeks 62-63   This Week  Last Week  Archives  Main  Home

March 25, 2002

Dear Diary -- My Latino trip went real good, considerin that my fast track's goin nowhere. I had Flores eatin outta my hands, & all it took was callin him mi amigo. I also had a nice visit with Fox & I gave Toledo a lesson in separation a powers. That guy's got great taste in ties!

Plus on accounta me, scaredycat Castro skidaddled outta the summit super early. Which reminds me -- Castro invited Carter ta visit Cuba, just ta annoy me, & Carter wants ta go. I can't imagine why, other than ta try & make me look bad. Like the twins say -- As if! I might just let him go, if he promises not ta write any pansy poems about it.

Of course the damn Dems broke the "don't attack the Prez while he's abroad" rule again, by sayin my trip was meant ta curry favor with US Latino voters. At first I was confused -- I thought they were talkin bout Indian food, which I'm pretty sure Latinos don't eat. But then Laura explained it ta me. Anyway, of course that's what I was doin there. Why else would I travel south a my ranch?

I was plannin ta respond with my indignant act, which is one a my favorites. It's almost as much fun as my patriotic act, my values act, & my "we're not gonna rest till we smoke em out" act.

But then Karl says ferget indignant -- just say how disappointed you are in their petty politics. Worked like a charm!

March 27, 2002

Dear Diary -- We stalled on that damn energy court order as long as we could, & then we turned over a truckload a papers. Of course there wasn't anything in em. Cause we blacked out all the juicy parts & and mosta the unjuicy parts too. Once ya get that pen goin, it's kinda hard ta stop.

It's fun imaginin all the frustrated lawyers & media folk porin over those papers & findin nothing. Oh, right -- the papers show lotsa meetins with big donor energy companies. Big deal! Like anybody cares!

Sure, we'll probably end up back in court on accounta those runaway felt tip pens, or whatever our people used ta black out the goodies. But it doesn't matter. Cause we'll just stall some more & maybe even appeal. And by the time we have ta turn over any real information, nobody'll even remember why they wanted it. Besides, they'll be too busy worryin bout our latest war.

Which reminds me -- I hear Blair plans ta wuss out on me bout Iraq & pressure me ta show restraint when he visits in April. I should teach him a lesson & take back the invite. But then I lose my excuse fer another long weekend at the ranch.

I also hear Clinton's gonna be playin the sax at Democratic fund raisers. Hell, I'd pay Clinton not ta play.

Then again, I'd also pay Ashy not ta sing. His eagle song is God-awful! Of course, I pretended ta like it, even though it's bad enuff ta turn a patriot inta a traitor.

Not that I'm much inta music. The only instrument I'm much good at is clappin my hands. And anyway, it's not like music is important like baseball.

I'm lookin forward ta spendin a long Easter weekend at the ranch. But first I've gotta help raise money fer Graham & Chambliss & Cornyn at some fund raisin bashes. And I won't be playin the sax!

April 1, 2002

Dear Diary -- I was all set ta have a nice long weekend at the ranch. I even pushed that dumb kiddy Easter egg thing ta today, when they wouldn't let me use 9/11 ta cancel it altogether. So what happens? All hell breaks loose in Israel & they actually expect me ta call people & make some kinda public statement. Finally I got tired a all the naggin & made one a my "terrorism is bad" speeches. I even said I condemn it in the most strongesta terms. That should hold em fer a while.

This is all Clinton's fault! Meddlin inta all sortsa things, & workin round the clock, & makin people think that peace is possible in that loony-tunes place. So on accounta him, people think I should try ta do somethin too. Talk bout a lose-lose situtation. Anything I say or do will cost me votes.

And anyway, I already have enuff on my mind with that cave-hidin, on-the-run bin Laden. Which reminds me -- I'm real mad at that too-big-fer-her-britches Oprah! I wanted her ta head up an all-female delegation ta Afghanastan. Cause Karen & the other PR folks cooked up some great scheme ta celebrate Afghan girls returnin ta school & help us with the image thing. But that "rhymes with witch" (Thanks Mom!) said no.

Well, I'll fix her wagon! When I turn this diary inta a best sellin book, I'm not comin on her show, no matter how much she begs.

April 3, 2002

Dear Diary -- Damn that Arafat! He's messin with my Bush Doctrine! My "either you're with me or you're agin me" line's been workin great fer months. But now on accounta him, the whole "good versus evil" thing is startin ta get fuzzy. Kinda like math.

I don't wanna call him a terrorist. Cause that'll get all the Arab countries even more steamed at me than they already are. But the damn guy does fall inta my terrorist definition. And nobody's buyin my "he agreed ta a peace process" excuse.

So now I'm bein accuseda bein inconsistent. Some people are even callin the Arafat thing the first exception ta my Doctrine. I guess they don't know bout the "does business with Poppy" exception.

I'll just haveta pick Tony's brain bout the Mideast mess when he visits the ranch this weekend. Though I was hopin ta spend mosta his visit choppin cedar & a takin a pickup truck tour. Plus finishin up my giant chocolate Barney. That dog sure looked cool in a cowboy hat & glasses!

Which reminds me -- I hear Clinton's gettin himself a chocolate dog too, ta replace the dead one. Only his won't be edible.

April 5, 2002

Dear Diary -- The EU got nowhere in Israel & it had ta gave up on its peace mission. So now it's time fer the big guns. Which is why I gave my "enufs enuf" speech yesterday, outlayin my vision. That plus I was gettin killed in the press.

My favorite parta my speech was where I told Syria & Iraq ta butt out. Okay, not in so many words, but everyone got the message. Now I just hope this works so I can move on ta the good stuff -- like attackin Iraq. Cause I've made up my mind & Saddam's gotta go.

But so far it's lookin pretty bad. Zinni got nowhere with Arafat today. And of course Sharon's bein his usual stubborn self. Still, I can't help admirin the guy. Cause he reminds me a lotta me.

Anyway, Powell's a good man with a good heart &, like I said the other day on that One Hour show, he doesn't do any a that show-boatin. But he better get me some results, damn it, if he wants to replace Dick in 2004.

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