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April 30, 2001

Dear Diary -- This weekend the papers were full of 100 day stories on me plus stuff about that make believe hero Kerrey. I told Dick the next time anybody bitches about my National Guard service I'm gonna say at least I didn't kill innocent people. But Dick said I should probably let lyin dogs sleep.

Dick also said the 100 days stories were mostly debates about whether I'm stupid or just pretendin to be. I didn't read them cause they had too many words Laura hasn't taught me yet.

One of the twins got in trouble for drinkin again and as usual Laura says its my fault. I told her instead of yellin at me she should yell at whichever one it was and tell them to stop ruinin my favorite family values speech.

Poppy had it much easier than me. By the time he was Prezident I hardly got into trouble ever at all.

May 2, 2001

Dear Diary -- I've been havin a great time drivin the Ruskies & China nuts talkin bout my Son of Star Wars plan. It serves em right for embarassin me with the plane. China, not the Ruskies, though they have it comin too. Of course I called Putin and told him the Cold War is over and Russia isn't our enemy anymore. Boy did I ever have a tuff time tryin to keep a straight face!! But then I remembered we were on the phone so it didn't really matter.

I'm thinkin about renamin Son of Star Wars to somethin else cause I didn't much like the movie. Maybe I'll name it after a baseball flick -- I'll have to run it by Dick.

Which reminds me -- On Monday Dick, whose been havin lotsa fun with his secret energy powows, gave a great scare em about energy so they let us do whatever we want to speech. And nobody's better at scarin people then Dick -- except maybe Mom. My favorite part was where he blamed everything on the prior adminstrashun. I love pinnin stuff on HRC's probly soon to be X husband.

Speakin of that rhymes with witch HRC, a buncha Damn Dems purposefully messed up my 100 day celebration lunch by claimin they were too busy to come. I'm pretty sure HRC gave em the idea to spoil my look at how bypartisan and civil I am photo op. I get spittin mad whenever I think about it. Now I always don't agree with them even more than ever.

May 4, 2001

Dear Diary -- Boy am I steamed!! I just found out we were kicked off some UN Commission I never even heard of. Somethin to do with human rights I think. Not that I really care except it's an insult bein voted out by some puny Europeans after bein on it since almost as old as I am. Note to self: Ask Dick if we can appeal it to the Supreme Court.

And I'm not the only P-Od person around here this week. Colin went balistic when he heard about Rummy's order cancelling all military contacts with China. He was so mad I thought he was gonna quit. So Rummy ended up cancelling the cancellation which was kinda embarassin for the guy he blamed it on. I wanted to do the usual and blame Chrissy Whitman. But Dick said nobody would buy it.

On Thursday I had a nice chat with my good pal Mexican President Shimon Perez. No wait -- Perez isn't from Mexico -- he's the Israel guy with the Mexican name. Anyway Perez & me agreed that Clinton butted in way too much & that I'll be doin mediation and not dictation. As for Mexico's Prez, he wished me luck with my make believe missle shield. I wonder what he meant by that.

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