Dubya's White House Daze -- Week 47   This Week  Last Week  Archives  Main  Home

Dec. 10, 2001

Dear Diary -- Last week sure went amazinly great! Fer one thing, the Senate Dems caved big time on the anti-terror plan. Plus I'm so close ta havin fast track, I can near ta taste it. Cause twistin arms is real easy when the country's at war. And we've got so many trouble spots, war's bound ta last as long as I need it ta.

I almost fergot the best part -- the job Ashy did on the Senate last week. What a knock-em-dead-ta-rights performance! And here I thought Ari was good at not answerin questions.

Talkin bout performances, Dick did Meet The Press yesterday & said he wanted ta run again in 2004. Damn! I guess that cave a his is a lot more comfy than I thought.

Anyway, now Ridge is all riled up. Cause he thought he'd get the nod next time round if he took on that horrid Homeland post. Come ta thinka it, that's probably what I told him. Of course I didn't expect Tom ta screw up the job this bad. Or Dick's ticker ta make it ta 2002.

Then again, I'm not sure if my own ticker's gonna make it thru all the dumb holiday events I'm stuck doin. Every time I turn around I've got ta host another annoyin White House party. Plus just yesterday I was stuck doin a Christmas In Washington TV special. They even made Laura & me sing Hark The Herald with Reba McEntire & Tony Bennett. Next time they'd better put the lyrics on a prompter.

Dec. 11, 2001

Dear Diary -- Yesterday I did a bunch more seasonal foolishness. First I read St. Nick's Visit ta Virginia first-graders. Then later I had the first ever Hanukkah reception in the White House residence. First Kwanza and now this! Like I told Ari -- No more equal op holiday celebrations!

But today's big event I don't mind one bit. I'm leadin up an international celebration of the 9/11 3 months anniversary. Except I guess it's not exactly a celebration. Still, somethin like 70 countries are participatin & it's a great excuse ta shore up tons a support. That Charlotte Beers is a PR genius!

I also loved her idea ta pretend we couldn't decide whether ta let people see the bin Laden videotape. She swore it'd get us lotsa press & build up suspense & she wasn't kiddin. By the time that thing airs, every eyeball in the world'll be watchin. And they'll all see how really, really evil the Evil One is. And how, unlike Putin, bin Laden has absolutely no soul.

Beers sure was right -- Promotin a war is just like advertisin Uncle Ben's Rice.

Dec. 14, 2001

Dear Diary -- Karl's a happy cowboy these days, now that his muzzle's off & he's back in action. Cause takin politics underground after 9/11 & pretendin ta be bipartisan nearly drove him nuts.

Karl celebrated Tuesday by givin a speech bout the great job I'm doin & how I plan ta spend my political capital. I especially liked the 9/11 quote he made up bout me lookin at the TV screen & sayin "We're at war. Get me the vice president. Get me the director of the FBI.'' Who else would be on the ball enuff ta say somethin as leaderlike as that?

I also loved his idea ta schedule the bin Laden tape release & my "byebye ta the ABM treaty" speech & the missile test (in case it failed, which it did) & my claimin exec privilege all ta happen yesterday -- each one on the very same day. Cause like Karl & Ari's always sayin, there's just so much the lazy press'll bother ta cover. And with everyone dyin ta see that tape, who's gonna pay much mind ta anything else?

His plan woulda worked perfect too, if it wasn't fer that damn Dan Burton! He has some hellofa nerve investigatin whether I'm misusin exec privilege. Plus he even said this isn't a monarchy. Not yet, anyway -- hahaha! Of course, I'd still prefer a dictatorship, though King George sure has a hellofa nice ring.

Anyway, how dare Dotty Dan call himself a Republican? A treasonous backstabber is more like it! And he'll pay fer it big when he's runnin again & needs ta raise funds. Cause I'll be takin his phone calls reeeeeeeel slow. Even slower than I take the ones from my old pal Ken "Leprosy" Lay.

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