Dubya's White House Daze -- Week 51   This Week  Last Week  Archives  Main  Home

Jan. 7, 2002

Dear Diary -- I really stuck it ta Daschle this weekend and it felt great! Okay, maybe not as great as personally routin out bin Laden the way Barney routs out armadillos. But pretty damn close!

I was specially prouda Saturday's speech in Ontario CA, which turns out not ta be in Canada.

And my "Not over my dead body will they raise your taxes" was one a my best lines yet. That one's a keeper fer my Union State speech.

Except lotsa people are sayin I told the line wrong. Fer instance, Mom phoned & yelled at me again, sayin, "It's 'Over my dead body' -- not 'Not over my dead body'. Have I taught you nothing?"

And even Laura said I shoulda left out the "not." Which makes just about as much sense as math.

Still, the weekend was a fantastic success & I love my new Economic Security Plan. Even though there's nothin new in it except fer the name. Cause the word "security" is a whole lot easier ta pronounce then "stimulus." Plus "stimulus" always sounded kinda dirty.

And here's the best part -- Dems won't dare vote against anything with "security" or "patriot" in its name, no matter what the bill does. Hell, I bet they'd even support a law that helped out Enron, if I named it the "Enron Patriotic Secrets Security Act."

Jan. 9, 2002

Dear Diary -- The PC police are all over me, just cause I called the Pakis, Pakis. They're even claimin it's some kinda ethnic slur. Well, if those folks wanted me ta call em Pakistanis, they shoulda come up with a shorter name.

And if that wasn't enuff ta put me in a bad mood, I just found out Paul O'Neill screwed up again. Just once I'd like ta see him say what he's supposta say. The guy actually told NBC that "I have not seen anyone say they want to raise taxes.'' What a time ta pick fer tellin the truth!

But at least yesterday wasn't a total loss, cause I signed my "No Child Left Behind" Act, which has a really good name. Though I woulda preferred the "Not Over My Dead Body Will They Leave No Child Behind" Act.

Like I told the folks in New Hampshire, the "No Child" Act is real tall. And I hear it's chock filled with good education type stuff bout countability, which I guess is math. Plus tests & readin & more tests. One a these days maybe I'll read it.

Of course, some people are complainin that it imposes too many rules & butts inta the state's education business. But that can't be, cause everyone knows I'm all fer state's rights -- as long as the states are doin what they're supposta.

Jan. 11, 2002

Dear Diary -- Karl said January would be "Change The Subject Month" and damned if he was right. I just hope it'll work! Cause the liberal media's still askin me bout Kenny Boy Lay. You'd think he was my top Prez campaign donor or something -- hahaha!

I don't know what those press guys want from me. After all, I'm lettin the Justice Department check inta Enron so it'll look like I'm bein fair. And Ashy even excused himself from handlin the case on accounta his Enron contributions & pressure from Weasley Waxman. Bowin outa Enron sure made Ashy one unhappy cowboy! Until I reminded him he'll have more time ta hassle docs fer prescribin medical pot.

But there's no satisfyin the media. They're still puttin me on the spot, makin me deny I ever discussed Enron's finances with Lay. Who needs ta discuss Enron's finances with Lay, when I've got Evans & O'Neill aroun ta take those calls?

Karl said we need ta make the Enron mess look like a "weak federal rules problem" insteada a "close ties ta crooks problem." So he made me order a review of pension and corporate disclosure rules ta make sure they're strong enuff ta protect workers' savings. Of course the last thing I wanna do is tighten corporation rules. But Karl said don't worry -- it's just a distraction. The media'll forget bout those rules soon enuff.

This week's other distraction was my callin on Iran ta stop harborin Taliban types -- even though they probably don't have any worth a damn. But I had ta make noise bout something on accounta bein embarassed by Afghan's new government. I still can't believe they let all those high level Talibans escape. And on purpose, yet. But I can't make a loud stink bout it. Cause I don't want people knowin we've lost control.

So far the Iran distraction seems ta be workin -- the press has forgot all bout Afghanistan lettin those evil ones go free. That Karl's almost as big a genius as he thinks he is!

Dubya's Dayly Diary Main Page

Dubya's Dayly Diary Archives

Dick Cheney Parody Interview

Pretzel Producers Allege Dubya Defamation, File Multibillion Buck Lawsuit

Comics' Relief: Late Night Comedians Begin Group Therapy

George Dubya Bush Channeler Seeks Therapy

Subscribe to MadKane Humor

Mad Kane's Latest Humor Columns

Liberal Links

Return Home (MadKane.com)