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April 22, 2002

Dear Diary -- Damn that Arlen Specter! He had the nerve ta say I should take Bill Clinton up on his offer ta help with the Mideast mess. He even said Clinton's advice would be invaluable. And he calls himself a Republican? That guy's been spendin way too much time with Teddy Kennedy.

Which reminds me -- Kennedy's back on my enemies list. He's been tellin anyone who'll listen that my education budget won't pay fer my education bill. I was hopin that if I gave him credit fer the bill, he wouldn't notice.

But gettin back ta Specter, he isn't the only one pushin me ta take help from ex-Prezes. A buncha other Hill people, includin some Republicans, say I should send Carter, Clinton, & Poppy ta the Mideast. Just what I need -- Presidential has-beens takin all my credit.

And speakina things I don't need, the damn Senate Foreign Relations Committee is investigatin the Venezuela coup. I was hopin ta play the national security & traitor cards ta stop it -- that usually works like a charm. But Karl says not this time. Cause the Dems figure if the Wall Street Journal can attack me, they can too.

I've gotta go ta upstate New York now and pretend ta celebrate Earth Day. The good news is I get ta clear some trails. The bad news is I'm stuck doin it with Pataki. Plus this isn't a good time ta be near Canada.

April 23, 2002

Dear Diary -- Poor Dick hurt his foot & is runnin around on crutches. He says he walked into a table at the Veep residence, but Karl doesn't believe it. He says Dick probably pulled a Kruschev, but forgot ta take off his shoe.

I have no idea what that means, though everyone else thought it was funny. But anyway, I'd rather be on crutches then go through another day like yesterday in NY.

Earth Day weather sucked big time -- rain, snow, ice -- the works! Ya couldn't even see the damn mountain! So we mostly had ta celebrate the outdoors inside, which was a serious bummer. And when I did go outside, I nearly killed myself swingin an ax in the snow.

Plus the press bus was hours late on accounta the weather & gettin lost & everyone was wearin the wrong clothes. So whatever coverage I got was mean, cause everyone was in as bad a mood as me. One reporter even asked me ta respond ta the rotten things sore-loser Gore's been sayin bout me. Of course I said I don't pay him no mind. But what I really wanted ta say was, "Gore who?"

And if that wasn't bad enuff, they made me go ta some arts awards thing Monday night. The only good part was Condy played the piano with that Yo-Yo guy. That gal sure looks great in a long black gown!

Speakina women I can't do without, I'd better make one last try ta change Karen's mind. Cause I can't imagine life without Bigfoot! I guess I shouldn'ta blamed her fer the Earth Day mess.

April 25, 2002

Dear Diary -- Damn! I tried real hard, but I couldn't talk Karen outta leavin town. I don't know how I'm ever gonna survive without my High Prophet. That woman's one hellofa enforcer! Even Mom's a little scareda her.

She says she'll visit a lot and help from Afar, wherever that is. But it's just not the same. I'm so depressed I wrote this song.

April 26, 2002

Dear Diary -- The ranch is supposta be fer relaxin. But I sure didn't do any relaxin with the Saudi Prince. I don't know what's worse, meetin with the guy or pretendin the meetin went good. Cause the only good part was the wild turkey!

And ta make matters worse I had ta talk ta reporters by my lonesome. The Prince said he'd be happy ta join me, but I probably wouldn't like what he had ta say. So I told him never mind. But it's kinda hard ta sell a "strong personal bond" when the bonder isn't around.

I was so bummed after the meetin I called Karen and sang her the song I wrote Wednesday plus a brand new one. But she said I shouldn't quit my day job. And I said she shouldn't neither.

I've gotta go now -- Ari wants ta try out some jokes he's plannin fer the Leno show.

May 2, 2002

Dear Diary -- I met with VP Hu yesterday and it went real good, even though it involved frustratin foreign policy stuff. And this time I even remembered not ta call Taiwan a country.

Which reminds me -- a funny thing happened Tuesday when Condy came in ta coach me on Chinese nuance nonsense. I told her I wasn't in the mood & said "Can't we do this next week?" But she said, "No, cause tomorrow you're meeting with who." Then I said, "I don't know who." Then she said, "Yes you do -- you met who when you went ta Asia." Anyway, we went back & forth like that fer a long time, till Dick came in & said, "Cut the Abbott & Costello crap & get down ta work!"

Speakina Asia, I'm real mad at North Korea. Okay, I'm always mad at North Korea, but now I'm even madder. Cause they invited Bill Clinton ta visit Pyongyang & do some mediatin. I bet they did it just ta make me look bad.

Clinton'll probably say yes just ta spite me fer not lettin him help out with the Mideast. And also on accounta the legacy thing. I've gotta ask Ashy if I can keep Clinton from leavin the country.

On the other hand, that guy makes me crazy no matter where the hell he is. Though not crazy enuff ta need the mental health coverage I've been talkin up big time. Jeez, I really hate supportin stuff like mental health insurance & Medicare coverage for Alzheimer's disease. But I haveta cause Poppy's got a lot ridin on Beverly -- which I was relieved ta hear is a nursin home company & not a woman.

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