Dubya's White House Daze -- Week 45   This Week  Last Week  Archives  Main  Home

Nov. 26, 2001

Dear Diary -- Lotsa family values celebratin at Camp David this weekend! It seems like every year Thanksgivin & the twins birthday come at aroun the same time. And this year was no exception.

I started out in a bad mood on accounta the evil one still bein alive & me bein bit by the turkey. Plus I coulda done without that embarrasin photo bein splashed all over the news.

Also, there were lotsa fireworks when Laura heard bout one a the twins orderin up a storm from some sexy clothes company. Barbara said she's just tryin ta stimulate the economy. Hahaha! Smart girl that Barbara -- I guess that's why she's the twin at Yale.

But Laura didn't laugh even a little. She just yelled a lot & said Barbara's got some other kinda stimulatin in mind.

Which reminds me -- Paul "Show Business" O'Neill bruised his ribs playin Thanksgivin family football. I tol him that's what he gets fer not workin out. And that he should be glad he didn't get bit by a turkey.

I can't wait ta challenge Paul to a 3 mile run. On 2nd thought, I bet he couldn't even beat Dick Cheney.

O'Neill went on TV yesterday, talkin bout bein poised fer recovery. I'm not sure if he was talkin bout the economy or his chest.

Nov. 27, 2001

Dear Diary -- I'm real excited ta be appearin in a travel industry ad promotin U.S. travel. Cause I think it's real important that Americans get on with their lives by travelin & spendin lotsa money & seein America. Just so long as they stay the hell outta the White House.

Which reminds me -- I'm real PO'd at that back-stabbin Washington Times. They're supposed ta be the good DC paper, but Monday's editorial proves they're out ta get me, just like all the rest.

Where do they come off bitchin & moanin bout me stoppin the White House tours? And how dare they throw round insults like hypocrisy & paranoia?

They even said my advisors are bogeymongers & suspicious a their own shadows. Okay, maybe Andy is just a little. And Ari & Karl. But definitely not Bigfoot Karen Hughes.

Anyway, I guess that's what happens when a paper's run by Moonies insteada God-fearin Christians.

Speakin a God, a buncha my aides are mad bout this week's Newsweek article. Cause it says I denied tellin em God chose me to save the country from terrorists, even though I did. But I had a good explanation -- God tol me ta lie bout it.

And I almost always do what God tells me ta do. Just like those swell-lookin girls I met yesterday -- Heather & Dayna -- the rescued Afghan aid workers.

I still can't believe Heather's father offered ta take her place in prison. Like I tol the twins just the other day, ya better stay outta prison. Cause I'm not travelin anywhere ta take your place. Though I suppose I could send my clone -- hahaha!

Nov. 28, 2001

Dear Diary -- Everyone's in a tizzy, just cause I veered off script the other day when I was definin who I'm goin after in my terrorist campaign. So I expanded the definition a little -- I don't see what the big deal is. But Ari's upset cause old lady Helen asked if I plan to invade Spain.

Not a bad idea, come ta thinka it. They have some hellofa nerve sayin they won't extricate those 8 terrorists unless I promise ta try em in normal courts. Spain's gettin way too big for its Mexican word fer britches.

And the whole EU's makin trouble too. Those pansy nations don't have the death penalty & they're inferrin they won't cooperate if I insist on secret military trials. Maybe I should just attack the whole lot a them. Except first I really wanna finish up Iraq.

Of course those same damn countries are too chicken ta go after Iraq. Or at least ta do somethin bout those Swiss cheesey sanctions. Even though Saddam dissed me & refused inspections yesterday, just like I was hopin.

Gettin back ta Spain, I'm meeting Prime Minister Jose today. And I'm lookin forward ta explainin ta him that he's gotta turn over those terrorists, no cords attached.

If my charm offense doesn't work & he still won't budge, Ashy says he'll find a way ta make him pay. Too bad we can't try him fer housin terrorists!

Nov. 30, 2001

Dear Diary -- I don't get what people see in that Twain person. I mean Mark -- not Shania. Now Shania I get.

Unfortunately, it was Mark they made me see last night. Laura said I had ta set a good example by goin ta some old-fashioned American culture. So I ended up at the Ford Theatre watchin Hal Holbrook pretend ta be Mark Twain. Talk bout borin! Twain's supposeta be some kinda great wit. But not in my book! Hell, I'm much funnier than Twain. Come ta thinka it, so's my bust a Churchill.

But I had ta play along & act like I was havin a good time. Even when he said that all Republicans are insane. That's supposed ta be funny? Republican's are as sane as they come. Except maybe fer that batty Bob Barr.

Laura even picked out one a Twain's supposed wittycisms & tol everyone it's my favorite. Yeah ... right. And she made me memorize it just in case somebody asked -- some dull line bout doin the right thing. I guess it coulda been worse -- at least the quote's got somethin ta do with values. And anyway, I'm sure as hell not doin the left thing!

Which reminds me, the liberal media's sayin I use the word evil too much. One paper's even keepin track a how many times I say it. Well, who cares what they think? Anyone who says I say evil too much is Evil Evil Evil Evil Evil! There -- I feel much better now.

And speakin a evil, that damn Leahy is makin all kindsa noise bout my terroristic measures. Between him & Jeffords, I'd like ta run Vermont straight off the map.

Fer a change, Leahy's bitchin bout detentions, secret trials, monitorin lawyer/criminal phone calls & other good stuff. The man really bugs the hell outa me. Hmmm, maybe Ashy can start buggin him.

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