Dubya's White House Daze -- Weeks 92-108   This Week  Last Week  Archives  Main  Home

Oct. 22, 2002

Note from Mad Kane: Dubya's been busy learning the difference between "regime change" and "regime change" and trying to explain it to the rest of us. Also, he's been stricken with a sudden interest in generic drugs. But he did manage to write a new song. (If you'd like to sing along, this midi link opens a second window.)

Bush Don't Want No Arms Inspections To be sung to (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction by the Rolling Stones
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I don't want no arms inspections,
I don't want no arms inspections.
But I lie and I lie and I lie and I lie.
I don't want no, I don't want no.

Cause I'm drivin' towards a war,
Though I say "no" on the radio.
So quit tellin' me more and more
About some fool negotiation
Supposed to fire my imagination.
I don't want no, oh no no no.
Hey hey hey, that's what I say.

The rest is here.

October 24, 2002

Dear Diary -- I can't believe I still don't have my UN resolution. France & Russia are a whole lot harder ta push around then the Dems.

Whose bright idea was it ta give those guys veto power, anyway? I like vetos much better when I'm the one threatenin ta use it.

But like I told Dick just this mornin, if the UN can't make its mind up, I'll make it up fer em. Cause I don't have time ta waste on this -- I've got real Americans ta elect!

Which reminds me -- Jeb is freakin out and could actually lose the election. I feel kinda bad fer him. But Laura says it'd serve him right. Next time his kid's on trial, maybe he'll remember ta show up.

Jebby had better win! Cause like I told Jeb the other day when I was helpin him drum up support, if he loses the election, it'll make me look bad.

Of course I have more important things ta worry bout on accounta the terrists bein so shadowy. Like Poppy keeps tellin people, I'm facin the toughest challenges of any President since the one that was killed in a theater.

Which, like I'm always tellin Laura, is another great reason ta stay away from plays.

October 29, 2002

Dear Diary -- I'm sure glad they caught those DC snipers. Cause now it's safe ta campaign in Maryland.

Ashy tells me all the lawyer types are fightin over who gets ta try em first. I say skip the damn trial & send em straight ta the chair.

Actually, I was kinda hopin they wouldn't catch the snipers till after last Saturday's demon-stration. Cause I've just about had it with anti-war wusses. And that includes the League of Nationey UN!

The funny thing is, Karl says they're doin us a favor -- givin me another enemy ta rant about in my "your either with us or agin us" get-out-the-vote speeches.

And speakin a people that are agin us, Fox is gonna be one sorry Mexicali cowboy after what he pulled this weekend. Where's he come off complainin I don't pay enuff attention ta his poor excuse fer a country? Or refusin ta back me on Iraq or anything else? Or gettin PO'd just cause I breached some kinda protocol by talkin over his translator? The next time he messes with me, I'm gonna breach somethin a whole lot worse than protocol!

And Fox better not be holdin his breath fer another ranch invite. Or any other favors. Cause he's not gettin even a crumb from me till I need Hispanic voters in 2004. Even though Karen thinks I need ta make nice with him sooner.

Karen also says I acted too testy at APEC & need ta act calmer & dignified-like. I hate all the actin business! And besides, I used up my actin quota last week when I said somethin nice about Wellstone.

I've gotta go now & call Condi fer some advice -- I need ta know how ta get Laura ta start talkin to me again. Cause she's still mad about that line in my speeches where she's sweepin the porch fer Zemin's visit.

Laura says she's tired a me insultin her & bein condescendin -- whatever that means. But anyway, I'm guessin I'd better return the prank witch's broom I bought her fer Halloween.

November 1, 2002

Dear Diary -- Boy am I beat, and it's all Karl's fault! He's been havin me do so much campaign speechifyin lately, that I don't even know what state I'm in. Plus my early bedtime's gone straight ta hell ... not ta mention my runnin time.

And Laura's all in a tizzy on accounta me havin ta travel on her birthday and our weddin anniversary, which I'm pretty sure is the same as Election Day.

Of course I like drummin up Republican support & explainin that even Dems with half a brain should vote GOP. But enuff's enuff! Like I told the folks in South Dakota (at least I think it was South Dakota), the next time they invite me over it'd better be fer a pheasant hunt.

Karl says any minute now, I'll be gettin nasty letters from Friends of Pheasants, like the ones I got from that rabbit lovers group. The rabbit folks got themselves all stewed up, just cause I sent a fan letter ta the guy who wrote a book about rabbit huntin. They didn't like me tellin him that the only bad thing about DC is there isn't enough rabbit hunters up here.

Actually, there's lotsa things wrong with Washington, but havin hardly any rabbit hunters is way up on the list.

And speakin a book writers, I probably shouldna sent that letter ta the idiot who wrote Dear Mr. President. But who'd a thought he'd use a letter sayin he wrote bad ta publicize the thing? Like I told the guy, it's the most ridiculous, unpatriotic book I ever petended ta read.

November 2, 2002

Note from Mad Kane: Please check out Handling Harvey.

November 6, 2002

Dear Diary -- I'm way too out of it ta post today. Cause I was up all night celebratin & partyin & high fivin & drinkin non-alcoholic (yeah ... right) beer. Note to self: Make sure Laura doesn't see this entry.

I should call Boy Genius Karl & thank him again fer bringin me so close ta bein dictator, I can almost taste it. And also fer gettin ridda Harvey, no muss, no fuss. But 1st I need a buncha aspirin & a nap.

November 7, 2002

Dear Diary -- I can't believe France & Russia are still hasslin me over Iraq. Didn't anyone tell em about the election?

Which reminds me -- I'm so excited, I don't know what ta push first. SS privatization? More tax cuts? Pro-life judges? The Homeland Security Kill Off the Unions Act?

Of course we keep gettin all kindsa warnins about the dangers of overreachin. Are these folks on drugs? I've got me a regime change & a coat tails trifecta. So there's no way I'm not doing whatever the hell I want. Cause I've got me the mandate I've been pretendin ta have fer years.

November 8, 2002

Dear Diary -- Boy, am I in a super great mood! Fer one thing, it looks like I'm gettin my UN revolu... I mean, resolution today.

Plus yesterday's press conference went terrific! Karl says my modesty act was real convincin & that I deserve an Academic Award!

It wasn't easy pretendin I don't see the election as a mandate, but I sure did pull it off. I hardly gloated at all & instead I gave credit ta the candidates. Cause Karl says people eat that BS up. I even said the election just means that people want somethin done. Damn right they want somethin done. As long as I'm the one that's makin people do it.

When they asked about Dick & '04, I said that if I run again, Dick'll be my runnin mate. If? Now that's funny! A better question'd be, who will I run with when I run fer Term 3.

November 11, 2002

Note from Mad Kane: Dubya's very busy patting himself on the back. But I have some friendly advice for Tom Daschle.

November 14, 2002

Dear Diary -- Damn that Saddam! Why the hell did he have ta say yes ta the UN Resolution? I was hopin ta have a good war goin in time fer Christmas!

Of course Karl says we can ferget about Saddam till 2004. Cause the election's over & we've already got ourselves one hellofa regime change.

I suppose he's right. But still -- the guy tried ta kill my Dad. And I got a ton a troops champin at the bit ta take him down. Plus the Afghan war's a disaster, bin Laden's still hidin out in caves, & al Queda's muliplyin like a hundred pet hamsters.

It seems like only yesterday that I said there's no cave deep enuff ta hide from my military. I sure am glad nobody remembers.

Which reminds me -- I still can't believe the Dems didn't use the Afghan mess against me. Or the economy or Harken or much of anything else. They're even wussier than I thought!

Except Karl's kinda worried about Pelosi's mom, cause she's got Gephardt's missin balls. Which is why Karl started his disinfo campaign real early. By the time the talk radio guys are through with her, she'll be a brie & cheese eatin, wine swillin, California Communist.

Though he shouldn't misunderestimate her. Cause I think she's got mosta Daschle's balls too. He's got just enuff left ta try & keep his Senate leadership thingy.

But he sure didn't keep enuff ta block my Homeland Security bill. Unions will soon be history! And so will that nosy 9/11 investigation. In fact, things are goin so great, I just may take another Texas month break.

November 19, 2002

Dear Diary -- I'm gettin all kindsa great publicity from that Woodward fella. He's an even bigger patsy then Karl said he was!

But I've got ta hand it ta that news guy -- he's really gettin my message out. Like how much I like bein provocative. And my appreciation fer the vision thing.

Plus he's also lettin people know This President doesn't owe anybody an explanation fer anything. I'm a doer -- not an explainer. Explainin's fer wussy underlings, leaders of other countries, and most especially, Democrats.

Which reminds me -- Al Gore's been runnin around doin tv interviews & peddlin some book I won't be readin. I still think we shoulda put him on the no-fly list.

I gotta go talk ta Ashcroft now. I can't wait ta hear his latest anti-privacy scheme.

November 22, 2002

Note from Mad Kane: Dubya's very busy being pronounced "not a moron" by Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien. For that and other fun items, including a spanking new song parody "When Liberals Rule," please check out my Notables Weblog.

November 27, 2002

Dear Diary -- Well, it took a while, but I finally got that Canadian bitch fired. Who's the moron now?

Not that I'm lettin Dino Chretien off the hook so fast. He's gonna be on my S-List even longer then Gerry-Boy Schröder.

Of course Laura thinks I should let bygones be bygones and ferget the whole thing. And that I should concentrate on family stuff and celebratin Thanksgiving. But how my supposed ta enjoy Thanksgiving, when they put my life in danger every year, exposin me ta violent turkeys.

Plus the twins turnin 21 have got me plenty nervous. Now they can get inta trouble legally!

And speakin a trouble, I've gotta call Trent & tell him ta punish Hillary fer accusin me a wantin war with Iraq ta settle old scores against the guy that tried ta kill my Dad. Also, I should congratulate him on his great line bout the Heartland bein the innards of a sandwich & the coast types bein nothin but stale bread.

Dec. 4, 2002

Dear Diary -- Karl is majorly steamed at that lyin weasil damn Dem DiIulio. Cause DiIulio had some hellofa nerve tellin Esquire that all White House decisions are political and that Karl's runnin the show. Which reminds me -- I have ta ask Karl when's the best time ta attack Iraq.

I should also give Karl a pat on the back fer his fantastic work. Pickin Henry ta head up the 9/11 probe was pure genius! And spreadin the rumor bout John Kerry spendin $150 on haircuts was brilliant!

Of course I'd never spend $150 on a haircut. Or even the $75 that Kerry really spends. I've gotta save my pennies fer my gazillion dollar Oxxford suits.

Anyway, Kerry should hold on ta his day job. Or go play guitar/sax duos with his pal Bill Clinton.

Dec. 11, 2002

Dear Diary -- Poor old Trent really put his foot in it this time. And they say I misspeak! Of course I had Ari tell the press guys I accepted Lott's apology ... even though he didn't do nothin wrong.

Actually I shoulda called Trent ta thank him. Talk about a great distraction! It's even better then mosta the stuff that Karl's pulled off. And anything that changes the subject from the economy is fine by me.

Which reminds me -- It sure felt good ta finally dump Blabbermouth O'Neill & Fatso Lindsey. Though if Lindsey'd even exercised once a month, I mighta cut him a break.

But gettin back ta Lott, the liberal types are havin a gay old time attackin Lott & callin fer his resignation. Yeah, like that's gonna happen. Not that I feel sorry fer the guy -- not after he lost me Jeffords.

And speakin a liberal types, a buncha brie & cheese eatin, wine guzzlin so-called celebs signed some kinda antiwar petition. Who cares what they think?

I think I'll go watch the Santa Roy Clark losin his pants video again. What a hoot & howler!

Dec. 13, 2002

Dear Diary -- Everybody'd better watch me with Barbara Walters on 20/20 tonight. Cause I was much, much, much better than Gore.

Dec. 16, 2002

Dear Diary -- Boy is Karl steamed! He's had a big anti-Gore campaign ready fer months and now he has ta start over. Me, I'm kinda relieved. Cause that time during the debate when Gore came at me and gave me that weird look a his, he was really kinda scary.

Dec. 18, 2002

Note from Mad Kane: I have some spanking new Trent Lott humor here plus some Dubya humor here.

Dec. 23, 2002

Dear Diary -- I'm almost positive I have small pox. Fristy & the other docs say it's just my imagination. And Laura says I'm bein a big baby. But I didn't see Laura takin that shot.

I didn't want ta take it either, but they said I had ta set a good example. I still don't see why I couldn't pretend ta take the shot like I pretend to read books.

But the docs refused ta dummy up my med records and said I couldn't lie bout it. I don't know why not -- I'm allowed ta lie bout everything else.

Dec. 26, 2002

Dear Diary -- Some dumb Rusky official said North Korea's all my fault. How many furiners do I have ta get fired, before these peons learn their lesson?

Dec. 27, 2002

Note from Mad Kane: I'm pretty sure Bill Frist won't like Fristy The Surgeon, unless he's a really, really big fan of Frosty The Snowman.

On second thought -- not even then.

Dec. 30, 2002

Note from Mad Kane: I just emailed the latest edition of my not-even-close-to-weekly weekly newsletter. If you'd like to read it, it's posted here. It includes Dubya's Dayly Diary excerpts, weblog excerpts, holiday humor, "Mad Searches," site reviews, and my MadLines Quiz. Subscribe info is here. Happy Almost New Year!

Jan. 2, 2003

Note from Mad Kane: Can you tell the difference between a satirical Dubya quote and the real enchilada? Take the first annual Dubya Quote Quiz and see.

Jan. 3, 2003

Dear Diary -- Every time I figure Karl must be outta tricks, he comes up with another humdinger. And this time he's outdid himself by makin the Labor Dept. stop issuin massive layoff reports. So from now on when I say I've improved the job situation, let em try & prove I'm lyin!

I told Laura we should probably invite Fristy over fer a celebration dinner. She said okay, so long as I keep him away from India. But I said, "No problemo! I'm pretty sure Fristy doesn't kill cats anymore."

Jan. 6, 2003

Dear Diary -- Damn that frickin Frum! Where's he come off writin a book about me? And steppin all over my tax plan publicity! I don't know what's in it, but it'd better not be pay back fer me firin him over the evil axis business. It's his own fault he got fired. Cause if he wanted ta keep writin my speeches, he shouldna married such a braggart.

There's a rumor goin around that Frum says I use cute names fer people cause I can't remember the real ones. And that he calls me a tart. But that can't be. Cause everyone knows that only girls can be tarts.

And talkin about tax plans, the Dems are supposta be announcin theirs any minute. I gotta say this fer em -- they did a great job keepin it from leakin out. Not that it matters. Cause even if any of it gets passed, I'm the one that'll get all the credit.

Jan. 8, 2003

Dear Diary -- It looks like Daschle chickened outta runnin. Too bad! Cause beatin that guy'd be as easy as pie. Pie...hmmm. A big slice a cherry pie would... Better not. Gotta lose some holiday poundage. Can't have those press types sayin I'm fat.

But gettin back to Daschle, I bet he was scared off by my Rich Guys Security Plan.

Jan.10, 2003

Dear Diary -- I can't believe what a disaster NK's turned inta. The situation's so bad I had ta let Powell run around makin nice & sayin good stuff about Clinton's NK policy. And that really messes up my whole it's Clinton's fault theme! But Condy promised I could go back ta blamin Clinton after the crisis is over.

She also said I had ta call Zemin & calm him down. So I did & he went on some kinda rant about the difference between uranium and plutonium & how I'd better straighten out the mess I made. He has some hellofa nerve! Note ta self: Ask Condy or Powell ta go over that uranium/plutonium thing again. They're really hard ta keep straight.

Karl's a little worried about gettin my tax plan passed cause the Dems are united, fer once. Plus four Senate Republican troublemakers like Chafee & McCain the Pain are makin a whole lotta noise against it. All I can say is Dick'd better start earnin his keep today & sell it.

Which reminds me -- Dick's been in a real bad mood lately cause some DC mag did a story bout all his mistakes. Hey, better him than me! He was gettin too big fer his britches anyway & sometimes fergets that I'm the one in charge. Which is why I wouldn't go along with sharin that Time Mag person of the year cover with him. I'm tired a him gettin so much credit fer the gravitas thing.

And talkin bout my tax plan, all I can say is thank the Good Lord fer blind trusts. Cause they make it real easy fer me ta pretend I don't know if my tax plan would save me big bucks. Pretty funny, since I'm countin every penny! Plus when Poppy & Mom kick the bucket & the death tax is gone I'm gonna be seriously rich!

Jan. 12, 2003

Note from Mad Kane: I just emailed the latest edition of my not-even-close-to-weekly weekly newsletter. If you'd like to read it, it's posted here. It includes the Dubya Quote Quiz, Dubya's Dayly Diary excerpts, my Class Action Song Parody, Mad Searches, site reviews, and my MadLines Quiz. Subscribe info is here.

Jan. 13, 2003

Dear Diary --I'm real upset that we let that New Mexican Dem powwow with the N. Koreans. When I gave Powell the okay, I was busy concentratin on my sit-ups. So I thought he was talkin about Mexico.

Jan. 15, 2003

Dear Diary -- I'm real upset about my latest poll numbers. Even though Laura says I'm over-reactin & Karl says it's just a temporary glitch. Yeah, right -- tell that ta Poppy!

But the good news is we're back ta blamin Clinton fer N. Korea. And we have this great new line about him leavin the hard stuff fer the next leader -- meanin ME.

Of course Powell's not too pleased about it -- he's still on his Clinton did a good job kick. Which is one a the many reasons why he's never gonna be my Veep. Besides, puttin him on the ticket'd be takin that whole race panderin thing way too far.

Which reminds me, Lott's makin all kindsa sour grapes trouble fer Fristy & me. That man needs some serious punishment.

And speakin a punishment, Ashy has ta get more creative & do something about the 1st amendment. Cause people are startin ta say real mean things about me again. And that awful woman even made fun a me in two computer comic strips.

Jan. 17, 2003

Dear Diary -- Poppy's seriously PO'd on accounta his taped message bein booed at the American Music Awards Monday night. ABC's damn lucky they blocked the boos outta the broadcast. Otherwise, I'd a had ta sic Powell's kid on em.

And I'm pretty PO'd myself. Fer one thing, I'm sick & tired a Saddam's games & deception. Plus, every time I've got folks convinced I'm a Texan, somethin like this happens.

But at least I'm lookin forward to celebratin Monday's halfway point of my administration. Except Karl says I should call it the quarterway point. Or if Ashy finds a way around term limits, maybe even the eighthway point. That kinda confuses me, cause I'm pretty sure an eighth is smaller than a quarter. But Karl says it's good, & he's the Boy Genius.

Dear Diary -- Damn those Peacenik demon-strators! They went and ruined my Sanctity of Life Day. Which reminds me -- Rummy says the lack of evidence just proves Iraq's real good at hidin things. Kinda like Dick.

Jan. 22, 2003

Note from Mad Kane: I've just posted a new Dubya comic strip called Phrase-Maker Bush. And you now can find all my Dubya strips (including Sacred Bush, Dubya Does College, State of the Union, and Blind Trust) here.

Jan. 25, 2003

Note from Mad Kane: Dubya can't post today, because he's busy trying to change the State of the Union speech venue to a flag factory. But I have some new Dubya comic strips posted: Dubya Makes The Grade and Warrior Bush. You can find all of my Dubya strips here.

And if you missed the latest issue of my not-even-close-to-weekly weekly newsletter, it's posted here. (Subscribe info is here.)

Jan. 28, 2003

Dear Diary -- I'm even more nervous about tonight's speech than I was back when I was debatin that big bully Gore. Cause things are goin kinda bad lately. And the poll numbers that I never look at are droppin almost as fast as the stock market. Not that it's my fault or anything. But fer some reason, it's gettin harder & harder ta pin things on Clinton.

In fact Karen -- who prayed with me Sunday -- says I'm not even allowed ta mention Clinton tonight. Which is a real drag, cause I was hopin ta sneak in one a my favorite lines about him stickin me with all his messes.

But Karen says that's not dignified enuff fer this kinda speech and she's the boss. Okay, not the boss exactly, but plenty scary!

She also said I absolutely, positively can't mention bin Laden or use the phrase The Evil One. Cause the last thing we need is ta remind folks that I still haven't smoked that fella outta his cave.

But the worst part is I can't declare war on Iraq tonight. Which is a cryin shame, cause that woulda been dramatic.

Jan. 30, 2003

Note from Mad Kane: Dubya can't post today because his diary's missing & may have been stolen by an evil-doer. Laura's pretty sure her husband merely misplaced it while cramming for the State of the Union speech. However, Dubya says that Saddam's failure to return the diary proves he has it.

Here's a cartoon to keep you busy while Dubya hunts his diary down & smokes it out.

Jan. 31, 2003

Note from Mad Kane: In honor of Bush's State of the Union address, I've posted a new song parody: Old George Dubya's Talkin', to be sung to Everybody's Talkin. It starts:

"Old George Dubya's talkin' at me.
I don't buy a word he's sayin'.
Can't bear the echoes of his lies..."

The rest is here with a sing-along midi link.

Feb. 5, 2003

Dear Diary -- It's a damn shame about the shuttle! On the other hand, at least it happened before I released my budget. Otherwise, it woulda been hard ta add in extra NASA fundin & pretend I was plannin it all along.

Of course NASA'd get a whole lot more dinero, if its center wasn't named after a President from the wrong party.

And speakin a money, I sure hope Powell does a good sellin job at the UN Security Council today. Cause we're startin ta run low on "coalition of the willin" bribery cash.

Feb. 7, 2003

Note from Mad Kane: I've posted two new Dubya comic strips: Space Maven Bush and Blame Game.

Feb. 12, 2003

Note from Mad Kane: Sorry for the silence, but I'm just back from a family wedding in Montreal. I thought I'd be posting while I was away. But then again, I also foolishly assumed that the 90 minute flight from NYC to Montreal could be accomplished in something less than the 33 hours it actually took.

Anyway, I'm drowning in email and seriously out of the news loop. But I did manage to do a new Dubya comic strip -- Our Prudent President.

February 14, 2003

Dear Diary -- Laura's PO'd at me cause I kinda forgot about Valentine's Day. But what does that woman want from me, anyway? I've got important things on my mind -- like goin ta war. Which is almost as hard as raisin the twins. So she's lucky I didn't buy her duct tape.

Cause I'm in a real bad mood, & it seems like everyone's against me ... except maybe Karl. The U.N.'s turned inta a debatin society, Old Europe's messin with my attack Iraq plan, & the only leader who speaks my language is that guy from Spain. Okay, & Blair, but he doesn't count.

And if that wasn't enough, people are callin me a Reverse Robin Hood, & Greenspan's turned inta a deficit hawk. And I've got Congressmen filin suits ta prevent me from declarin war -- before I even get ta stack the courts with the right kinda guys.

Which reminds me -- the Estrada filibuster has got me seethin mad. Though Karl says the filibuster helps me. Cause no matter what happens now, those Hispanic votes are mine, mine, mine!

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