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July 16, 2002

Dear Diary -- How come every time I give a speech the damn market drops extra? It even dropped yesterday when I talked in Alabama. I don't get it -- it's not like I mixed up deflation & devaluation like I did in Japan.

Barty says maybe I shouldna said the US economy was hung over on accounta the 90's binge. But how the hell else am I supposedta get the message out that it's all Clinton's fault?

And speakina speeches, a buncha my aides are pushin me ta stop usin my trifecta joke. Cause they say the press is catchin on ta it bein a lie. Plus one press guy even figured out that I stole the idea from Gore. Damn, I really like that joke -- it always gets me a lotta laughs. And if I ever needed some laughs it's now!

I guess I'll haveta call Karen & ask her what ta do. Even though Barty says I shouldn't be a pest & should only bother Karen fer important stuff. Like when wonks give me a report & I don't have a clue what they're talkin bout.

But what's more important than a line that gets me laughs? And anyway, who's Barty ta tell me when I can call Karen? If he doesn't watch out, I'll make him move his stuff outta Karen's old office. Hmmm, maybe I should do it anyway. Cause Karl's been hankerin fer that office ever since Karen said she was skippin town.

July 18, 2002

Dear Diary -- I think the pressure must be gettin ta poor ol Denny Hastert. Rumor has it he recited some Frost guy's poetry at the GOP conference meetin yesterday. And he even mumbled something weird bout blue balls. The Pledge is one thing. But blue ball talk & pansy poetry? Plus I hear he didn't even get the dumb poem right.

I have ta ask Laura if she's ever hearda Frost. Or was it Snow? Anyway, maybe she can order Denny up a gag poetry gift, if the weather poem guy's still in print. And we can also send him that pair a "In W We Trust" boxers I got from the hotel that stole my name. It sounds like Hastert could use em.

But I sure as hell won't be sendin any gifts ta Lieberman! Cause he's makin noises bout investigatin Dick's Halliburton mess once the SEC's through with it. Even though Harvey's investigation'll be every bit as thorough as the one Poppy's SEC did fer me. Hahaha!

I feel kinda bad fer Dick. But on the other hand, better him than me.

Except that keepin the heat on Dick & White isn't workin ta keep it off me as good as it useta. The pushy press just refuses ta back off. Hell, they even harassed me bout Harken durin my press conference with the guy from Poland.

Oh well... At least none a the twins are in jail.

July 22, 2002

Note from Mad Kane: Dubya's busy counting his money, but should be through by Tuesday. I don't have any money to count, so I'll pick up the slack.

July 23, 2002

Dear Diary -- I've been real bummed lately on accounta people tryin ta blame me fer stuff I did. The only thing that cheered me up was screenin the new Austin Powers movie this weekend. Austin Powers in Goldmember was seriously cool! Even better than movies bout baseball.

Course Laura says Austin Powers is crude, but what do women know? Anyway, the best part is now I get ta bring back my Dr. Evil imitation: Zip it! Zip it! Shut it! Shut it! I did it all weekend & it felt real good. Too bad I can't do it in a press conference!

And speakina evil, so far the bin Laden bounty awards aren't workin real good. People keep deliverin ears, but never the right ones.

I've gotta go now & tell Dick I'm not dumpin him in 2004, even though I probably am. I feel kinda bad bout it on accounta the whole loyalty thing. On the other hand, it'd be real cool ta drive the Dems nuts namin a black VP.

July 26, 2002

A buncha Republicans are complainin that I'm worried bout '04 while they're worried bout '02. Damn right! I'm Numero Uno & they'd better get useta it.

Besides, why should I worry bout Republican cowards? And that's exactly what they are. Cause they caved on the corporate accountability bill and went along with those rotten Senate Dems. And the worst part is, I can't risk vetoin it. I'm gonna haveta take credit fer the damn thing instead.

Course I won't exactly push Harvey ta work hard at enforcin it.

Which reminds me -- What the hell's wrong with Harvey Pitt's brain? My donor pals want me ta keep him in his job, & I'm willin ta go along, even though he'd make a damn good fall guy. But him demandin a raise and Cabinet-level status right now is even nuttier than any stunt Ashy ever pulled.

Dick says I shouldn't worry bout Pitt or Ashy or Harken or the stock market & that everything'll be just fine. Easy fer him ta say! Cause he gets ta hide out from the press & I don't. Not that I really blame him -- he's inta the Halliburton mess way hip deep.

Dick's still plannin ta keep up his fund-raisin travel. But what the hell good does that do fer me?

Him goin underground just when I need him most is all the fault of those investigation-happy Dems. They'll do anything ta make something big about nothinburger nonsense.

And the worst of em are those louses Lieberman & Levin! They're even threatenin ta hold a hearin if I don't make my Harken S.E.C. file public. Note to self: Ask Ashy if he can arrest em fer blackmail.

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