Dubya's White House Daze -- Week 54   This Week  Last Week  Archives  Main  Home

Jan. 28, 2002

Dear Diary -- The media's upset cause I haven't been givin em much access lately. Ari even cancelled some question sessions at the last minute, just fer fun. That should teach em a lesson fer pesterin me bout Enron.

Ari's just fulla schemes ta make sure the press bends over & treats me fair. And that they think twice before sayin anything bad bout Tuesday's speech. My favorite's the one where he has me readin that Goldstein or Goldberg book bout liberal media bias. Not that I actually read it. I just carry it round & pretend ta read it like with those boring Presidential bios. Plus I flash it fer the cameras every chance I get.

I love the Gold book thing cause it tells the press ta watch what they say. And it reminds people that if the media says anything mean bout me they're liberal & baised & real unfair.

Ari & Karen say it's called a subliminable message & that they have lots more subliminable message tricks in their sleeves. I just hope they're as good as my all time favorite -- that great RATS ad we "didn't" pull on Gore.

I guess I'd better go practice the big speech. I'm really lookin forward ta tellin people the importance a homeland security, war, education, creatin jobs, volunteerism, gettin married & havin kids. Okay, maybe not havin twins. Cause like I told Bob Kiss the other day in West Virginia, I've been ta war & I've raised twins. And if I had a choice, I'd rather go ta war.

Jan. 30, 2002

Dear Diary -- Last night's speech hit a home run. I really let it roll! Not even that damned niece a mine gettin arrested could spoil my fun. Maybe raisin twins isn't so hard after all -- mine only get caught drinkin.

Of course, my aides wanted ta take the "combattin illegal drugs" line outta my speech on accounta Noelle's arrest. But I refused. Cause if you fight against drugs you're fightin against terrorism. And if you take drugs it's kinda like harborin drugs, which is sorta like harborin a terrorist. Which makes you a terrorist -- unless you're my niece.

My speech was all round good, but I specially liked the part where I gave myself credit fer startin a new culture a responsibility. I bet that part made Poppy & mom laugh!

And I enjoyed pushin people ta volunteer & join my new USA Freedom Corps. What a great name! Though I still think USA Security Corps woulda been even better.

But the main thing is that now that I have my own volunteer thingy, I can stop tellin people ta join Clinton's.

It was also cool appealin ta the little people by listin things we needta do, even though I don't plan ta fund em. Like gettin more minorities ta own homes. Plus fine schools, health security, & other Dem type nonsense.

People fall fer that gambit every time! And who knows? If after payin fer all my wars and homeland security and permanent tax cuts fer my pals, there's a few pennies left over, maybe I'll even throw em a crumb.

The one thing I felt bad bout was havin ta leave out mentionin the Evil One. But since we're never gonna get him, we need people ta ferget him.

On the other hand, talkin bout the Axis of Evil -- North Korea, Iran & Iraq -- was nearly as good. I can't wait till the Evil Axis gives me an excuse ta attack.

Oh, I almost left out the best part -- the great number we made up bout tens a thousands a trained terrorists still bein at large, threatenin Merica -- ticking time bombs, set ta go off. What a great way ta scare people into supportin everything I do!

At first I was supposeta use Karen's original made up number -- 100,000. We changed the number, though, cause nobody believed it. But it doesn't matter, cause tens a thousands is plenty scary enuff.

All in all my speech was a great success, & I'm feelin terrific! I don't know bout the resta the nation, but my state's never been stronger.

Feb. 1, 2002

Dear Diary -- Dick busted his lip big time, ruff-housin with his dog. At least that's what he claims. Personally, I think Lynn decked him. That's one ornry woman, almost as scary as mom.

What I wanna know is why nobody's makin jokes bout Dick & his lip. When I had my pretzel attack they were all over me, even though we're at war & they're not allowed ta. But everyone's bein real nice bout Dick's lip & it's got me steamed. Makes me wanna deck someone myself.

I'd start with Daschle & Gephardt & then go right down the lefty list. Okay, I probably wouldn't deck my friend Ted Kennedy, cause he's not a half-bad guy. Hey, I bet the folks down at the Crawford Coffee Shop'd be surprised ta hear I don't wanna deck him too.

But I'd sure like ta punch out everyone else. And when I'm finished with the Dems, I'd go after that NPR guy who found out bout my heart arrhythmia. On accounta that nosy fella, now everyone knows my pretzel spell was a bigger deal than we said. And they'll probably stare at me whenever I speak, just waitin fer me ta faint.

It's all Laura's fault on accounta what she told Tommy Boy on my Day In My Life TV special. I still can't believe she told him that right after faintin I said "something terrible's happened." She's usually better at watchin what she says.

Of course, Laura says it's all my fault, cause I mentioned my ticker here in my diary back in December. I still think she's the leak. But I'm gonna start hidin my diary in a better place, just in case.

Speakina Laura, she wants us ta visit some art museum in the next coupla weeks. She says we've gotta do it real soon, before Ashy finishes coverin all the good stuff up.

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