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March 11, 2002

Dear Diary -- I'm throwin a 6-month 9/11 celebration party on the South Lawn today. Okay, maybe it's not exactly a party. And I suppose it's not even a celebration, come ta think of it. Though the opportunity through the tears has been great fer my poll numbers.

I'll be talkin bout my plans fer all those rogue nations, which is always fun -- especially when I threaten Iraq. Which reminds me -- there was good news Sunday: Iraq refuses ta let our inspectors in. Phew! Iraq cavin in woulda spoiled everything!

Talkin bout parties reminds me a Saturday's Gridiron thing. It wasn't funny at all, especially when they made fun a my evil axis. Plus Daschle got lotsa laughs he didn't deserve. But I got him back by sayin he doesn't have issues to run on, cause I'm fer the Patients' Bill of Rights & against Enron. So there! Plus I'm gonna expand child care to those who don't even have children.

At the end of the dinner I told all the journalists they should write letters to Pearl's unborn son & send em ta me. The letters are supposta explain that Pearl died fer a great cause & other stuff like that. Anyway, now I see why Laura liked bein a teacher. Cause givin out homework is lotsa fun.

I've gotta go now -- Ridge is here ta explain the color-coded alerts again. And after that I have a meetin bout the nuke plan leak. Rummy'd better hurry & smoke out whoever spoiled my surprise!

March 13, 2002

Dear Diary -- Yesterday I gave a volunteerism speech in Philly and sang "Itsy Bitsy Spider" with a buncha homeless kiddies. I wanted ta change it ta "Itsy Bitsy Mousy" or "Itsy bitsy Ratty" but Karen said I couldn't. Nobody has a sensa humor round here!

I also told volunteers ta buy a Record of Service book from the AmeriCorpsians and use it ta keep a volunteerin diary. Cause if I can keep a diary, why can't they? Plus it was fun givin out homework again.

They can even keep their diaries online. But then they haveta give us their email address, which of course we'll keep private -- hahaha!

While I've been busy givin my rah-rah speeches, Dick got outta his cave and left the homeland. The poor guy's sure havin a ruff time tryin ta drum up support from weak-kneed European elites and scardycat Arabs. Better him than me!!!

I loved what Dick said when nosy media types asked him bout our nuke plans: "Right now, today, on a day to day basis, we're not targeting anyone with nuclear weapons." Wow, that guy can out-slippery Bill Clinton!

I'm not sure what's on this mornin's agenda other than plannin my legacy. But I do know today's a "yellow stage alert" day, whatever that means. Yellow always makes me queasy, & I sure hope it does the same fer everybody else!

March 15, 2002

Dear Diary -- Ari's been takin heat over me refusin ta do those annoyin press conferences. So I did one Wednesday, even though I really wanted a nap. The only good part is we announced it at the last minute. So they didn't have time ta think up too many trick questions. Plus that pesty old lady wasn't around ta make trouble.

Before takin questions I gave the Dems hell over em blockin Pickering & holdin up my other judicial nominees. Not that it did any good -- Pickering's finished. He's been Borkified big time, and someone's gonna pay! But I'm still determined ta load up the bench with righteous pals, cause I never know when I'll need em.

I also told the media types how plenty hot I am over the INS terrorist screwup. And I explained that unrest in the Middle East creates unrest throughout the region. And that the 9/11 attack was caused by the Jerry Springer show. No wait -- I think I told that ta some other crowd.

Of course Karen always has somethin ta snipe at. This time she yelled at me fer actin too testy & bringin up the GAO lawsuit. Which reminds me -- Why doesn't the anti-lawyer bill cover stuff like that?

Anyway, I still hate press conferences, though I'm gettin a lot better at em, if I do say so myself. Of course I wouldn't have ta do em at all if only I was dictator or king.

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