Dubya's White House Daze -- Week 39   This Week  Last Week  Archives  Main  Home

October 15, 2001

Dear Diary --Things sure have changed in the last few weeks. Fer one thing, nobody's allowed to make fun of me anymore.

In fact, hardly anyone even dares to criticize me. They're afraida losin their jobs like those columnists did. Or their big ad bucks like that awful Bill Maher. Cause as Ari's always sayin, everyone's gotta watch what they say. Unless it's something bad bout Bill Clinton -- hahaha!

It's way cool that the scaredycat Dems are so worried bout bein called unpatriotic, they're barely makin a peep. And lotsa mean liberal Internet sites have closed or are on some kinda hatus. I guess they don't want to be hunted down by all the new spy laws Congress is afraid to say no to.

Not that things have been easy fer me lately. I've hadta work real hard and learn a buncha new stuff -- like never use the word crusade ever again. And be real careful who I call folks. Plus that first big speech I made after the attack was so important they made me practice it fer hours with that damned prompter. But it was worth it. I did real good and my proval rating shot up to somethin like 90 zillion percent.

Even that braggin Cheney couldn't steal my thunder though he sure did try, tellin one of them TV talk guys how he made all the decisions on Sept 11th while I was hidin out in my plane. He picked one hellofa time to start tellin the truth.

But Karl and Karen fixed his wagon -- he can't talk to anyone anymore without their permission. Plus they mostly keep him hidden fer my -- I mean his -- protection. It's the first time I ever saw K & K agree on anythin. I told Dick when I run again without him he should become a marriage counselor.

Actually, Dick was thinkin bout resignin right before the attacks -- terrorist attacks, not heart attacks, though he'd be leavin office on accounta his bum heart. But Sept. 11 changed everythin. We couldn't very well let him leave on accounta needin his gravtas. Although maybe he can leave soon, now that everyone knows I'm smarter than I am.

I've got lots more diary catchin up to do. But I'll have to get back to it tomorrow. Or maybe the day after that. I'm so busy fightin my war & smokin out the evil one, it's kinda hard to squeeze in diary writin time. And speakina wars, I've gotta go break up another fight between Rummy & Colin "I Told You So" Powell.

Oct. 16, 2001

Dear Diary -- Time fer just a quick entry today. Bin Laden & his pals have been keepin me busy. Not that I mind -- He may be the evil one, but I'm the chosen one.

Speakena choosin, I'm real mad cause Queen Elizabeth made Mayor Giuliani a Knight. Not a real one, of course. But it's still damned annoyin. That man really gets on my nerves. And some people even think I should give him a big honcho job when he's thru bein Mayor. Just what I need -- another guy who gets better press than me.

Which reminds me -- New York is lookin fer even more money from me. I feel bad fer them & all, but the Social Security surplus'll stretch just so far. Riddin the world of terrorism takes big bucks! Plus I've gotta bail out the airlines and insurance companies and I ferget who else. I'd better ask Karl if I already gave enuff to get the NY vote in 2004.

Karl & everyone else around here's upset about anthrax being mailed to Tom Daschle. But like I told him, at least it wasn't a Republican -- hahaha!

Oct. 17, 2001

Dear Diary -- I thought with all that's goin on, I wouldn't haveta visit little kiddies anymore. But no such luck! On Tuesday I gave a "kids send dollars to feed Afghan children" speech at the American Red Cross. So Tuesday probably wasn't the best day we coulda picked to accidentally bomb the Kabul Red Cross.

But I can't worry bout that now. In a few minutes I'm off to Shanghai, China fer some economic summit. At first I was gonna cancel on accounta the war. But then I figured I should do what I'm tellin the People to do -- live their normal lives and get on a plane. And report suspicious lookin men with crop dusters -- hahaha!

I used that joke last Thursday durin my first prime time press conference & it worked real well. It's so much easier to change the subject when reporters are laffin.

Which reminds me -- I came up with a great theory bout the connection between the anthrax hits on Daschle and Brokaw: Terrorists don't like guys named Tom.

I told my good pal Homeland Security Chief Ridge my theory, but he said it wasn't funny. I still can't believe I got him a Cabinet level position without Congressional approval. Nobody even knows if it's legal. But here's the cool part -- everyone's so nervous that nobody cares.

Oct. 18, 2001

Dear Diary -- I sure as hell picked a good time ta leave the country. And it's kinda weird ta think I'd feel safer in China.

Dick saw me off Wednesday mornin & I told him ta keep an eye on things & stay away from TV talk shows. And ta not do anything I wouldn't do. Like turnin over those energy meetin records nobody remembers anymore.

Before leavin fer China, I stopped in California and made a coupla good speeches in Travis Base & Sacramento. I talked about how we're inflictin pain & won't be cowed by terrorists. And how we'll defeat terrorism by expandin world trade. Afterwords Ari told me I probably shouldn't say cowed anymore.

I'm lookin forward ta sittin down with Jiang & havin frank discussions -- even tho I'm still mad at him on accounta that plane. But we need China's help, so I'll explain I was just kiddin when I called China a strategic competitor. I'm sure everything'll be fine once he looks me in the eye & measures me.

October 19, 2001

Dear Diary -- I finally made it to China and it's sure no Texas. Plus 13 hours in the air is way too long -- unless you're hidin from terrorists -- hahaha!

Of course I took a nice long nap at the beginning of the flight like my doctor said. Not that I need a doctor ta tell me ta nap!

The rest of the time I studied up fer my meetins and Saturday's speech. And while I was doin all that, everyone back in DC was fightin with everybody else.

Fer instance, the Pentagon & State are feudin over whether to make nice with the Northern Alliance. And the FBI & the CIA keep arguin bout whose fault it is nobody followed up on some memo -- one from August warnin about two of the fellers who highjacked the Pentagon plane. I'd sure like to smoke out whoever's behind that screwup!

And that's not the half of it. Everyone's sayin something different bout the anthrax mess. And Hastert's mad at Daschle fer makin him look like a wuss.

Anyway, I had a good meetin with Jiang Zemin & explained to him that he's the president of a great nation. I also pretended to like Shanghai and told him I'm a real sincere person when I want ta have good relations. And that I won't be pesterin him bout human rights.

Dubya's Dayly Diary Main Page

Dubya's Dayly Diary Archives

Subscribe to MadKane Humor

Mad Kane's Latest Humor Columns

Liberal Links

Return Home (MadKane.com)