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June 11, 2001

Dear Diary -- I was hopin to do some fishin this weekend at the ranch. But instead of lettin me relax, they locked me in a room with Condy Arroz. They said I had to study up for my Europe trip so I'll look like I know stuff.

Talk about boring! (Except for the starin at Condy's legs part.) And here I thought my college crammin days were over. Not that I ever did much studyin back then -- hahaha. Even less than the twins!

But it coulda been worse -- last time she brought a big tutor team! I still don't know why I can't just do my offensive charm thing. Hey, it worked for Reagan! But they said I need the delusion of substance.

I wish I could send Dick in my place. He'd be happy to do it -- he's always willin to go the extra mile And he doesn't even wanna be Prez! At least that's what he says! Hmmm, maybe he's lookin to steal my job. Naaaah. Poppy's the one who really wants my job. He won't stop sendin me memos & bossin me around.

And I'll bet Poppy's the one who told the liberal media bout the Korea memo. Causa him it looks like I reversed myself on accounta his havin influence over me, which I did. Maybe I should just reverse myself again -- just to spite him and confuse people. Or maybe I should stick with whatever my latest position is and take a nap.

June 12, 2001

Dear Diary -- Here I am somewhere in Europe after a real long flight & boy am I bushed! Hahaha -- good one! But I guess sittin on a plane is better than studyin foreign policy. Or goin to the theater like Laura made me on Sunday. And pretendin to support public fundin for the arts.

Laura's still mad at me -- blamin me for settin a bad example for the twins. And for not bein stricter with em. And for refusin to make Jenna tranfer to a DC school & live in the WH so we can keep an eye on her. I still think People should leave em alone so they can be normal oat-sowin teens.

But Laura said I had to tell em both to cut it out before I left town. So I did. I'm pretty sure they know I didn't mean it.

I did manage to have a little fun yesterday before takin off. I met with some Mets who endorsed my tax plan and gave me a "1 W" jersey. Plus I ordered another global warning study. Ordering more research is one of my favorite ways to stall!

I gotta go now & show off my Spanish plus all that new knowledge they made me rememberize this weekend.

June 13, 2001

Dear Diary -- So far my charm offense isn't workin as well as I hoped. The foreign press keeps callin me the Toxic Texan & insultin my Spanish. The EU's still demandin action. And there's been lotsa demon strators, as Ari likes to call em, shoutin & carryin annoyin signs bout global warning, the ABA treaty & executions. Which reminds me -- that McVeigh feller sure timed his death real bad for me.

So far they don't seem to be buyin my "global warnin needs more study" argument and they're demandin specifics. I hate specifics! And it looks like I may haveta stop sayin the Kyoto treaty is fatally flawed in fundamental ways. It's much too hard to pronounce!

The scary part is that yesterday was supposed to be my easy day. But I'm gonna keep tryin real hard to appear concerned bout stuff Europe types care bout -- like lovin freedom & the earth's well-bein. Even tho that sort of thing is a whole lot easier to pull off in the US of A. Plus promisin a big tax cut doesn't work over here -- hahaha.

At least there were a coupla good parts. Laura and I visited Poppy's pal King Juan & saw a buncha deer & wild bores. And we also met with Jose Aznar at his ranch. He wasn't as nice to me as I hoped, probly cause I said his name wrong on TV. But he wasn't as mean as the others either. Besides, anybody with a ranch is okay by me.

June 15, 2001

Dear Diary -- I knew I shouldnta come here, but Karl & Poppy said I had to. And they swore on a buncha Ashcroft's Bibles it'd go real good. They even promised that those stuck-up so-called world leaders would treat me nice cause I'm the President of the world's most important country and also real charmin. Especially after I gave em each a fun nickname.

But it's not goin anything like the way we planned. Every one of em is bein mean to me. But in that just-pretend-polite way Europe types use when they're knifin you in the backside.

Fer instance, they purposefully made it look like I thought the US is part of the EU. Okay, maybe I got temporarily confused by em both havin U's. But they didn't haveta make a federal case outta it. Plus they're openly defyin me. (There's that great word again I learned a few weeks back.) They even counterindicated me a buncha times right there in public.

Here's how it was supposeta go. I was gonna tell the media how well we're all gettin along and that we're makin real progress towards mutool understandings of doin things my way. But more diplomaticlike. Then I'd talk about our goals & values sharin & that fer instance we're all real worried bout stuff like the weather & African's disease & stable greenhouses.

Then I'd describe how we've been lookin at each other square in the eye & readin souls & we like each other's souls a whole lot. That way everbody'd think I did a success-filled job convincin them over to my side. And that I got em to buy into my rationale's logic.

Karl & Ari say I'm bein too hard on myself. And that I even impressed that Perrson person into sayin I'm "naturally competent." Cool! The main thing now for me is to keep thinkin positive so I don't get nervous & blow Putin.

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