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Sept. 4, 2002

Dear Diary -- Boy am I bummed! Fer one thing, my vacation's over & it went way too fast. And no matter how many times I ask, they won't let me move my office permanent-like ta Texas.

Plus my Iraq attack is still in stall-mode. Everyone round me's arguin bout it so much, it's makin my head spin. All I know is, this Afghan thing is windin down & I need me a real war.

The one nice thing is that cool story bout me in Runner's World. I just love talkin bout how speedy I am, especially since the war began. And how runnin clears my mind. And how sad it is that bein Prez interferes with my runnin.

Those are the kinda stories the 1st amendment should protect. And not mean, unpatriotic filth like this.

Sept. 6, 2002

Note from Mad Kane: Dubya can't write today. He's too busy wagging the dog. But I don't have a dog.

Sept. 10, 2002

Dear Diary -- It's been a busy few days -- lotsa speechfiyin & arguin & arm twistin. I can't believe how stubborn certain so-called world leaders are. Especially that damned Putin who, it turns out, only pretended ta have a soul.

But Karl says I shouldn't get upset bout resistance ta me attackin Iraq. Cause no matter what happens, talkin bout Iraq is one hellofa distraction. Come ta think on it, I can't even remember the last time anyone pestered me bout Harken, Halliburton, or Clinton's recession.

So I guess he's right -- journalist types have even a shorter attention span then me.

Which reminds me -- tomorrow's my big day. I can't believe it's a year since bin Laden turned my poll ratings around.

The only bad part is I'm not supposta smirk during the 9/11 memorial stuff. Guess I'd better go work on my "sad thoughts bout dead folks" look.

Sept. 12, 2002

Note from Mad Kane: Dubya's busy cramming for his U.N. speech and replenishing his tear ducts. But you might enjoy this.

Sept. 13, 2002

Dear Diary -- Boy am I good! Scratch that -- I'm great! I really stuck it to those UN types. They never even knew what hit em! And I especially liked bein introduced as His Excellency. Note to self: Talk ta Ashy bout makin the title permanent.

The only bad part is I spent enuff time in NYC this week ta last a lifetime.

I'm lookin forward ta a relaxin weekend. A good run or two. Maybe even rewatch my 60 Minutes II tape a coupla more times ... if Laura'll let me.

Sept. 18, 2002

Dear Diary -- Damn that Saddam -- he's tryin ta spoil my fun. I still can't believe he agreed ta inspections. But Dick says no problemo. We just keep our eye on the ball & stick with the plan: reject any Saddam offer, make a "the U.N. is a pansy" speech, and attack Iraq whenever Karl tell us to.

And speakina pansies, I called Chrissy ta congratulate her fer finally gettin those EPA bureaucrats in line. Cuttin that pesky global warmin section outta their yearly report was her best accomplishment yet!

I also called Ashy & we had a big laugh bout my "love the constitution" line. I actually said the American people got ta understand that the constitution is sacred as far as I am concerned. And with a straight face!

Which reminds me -- we've gotta do somethin bout all the anti-war songs sproutin up. That mad woman who keeps writin em should just move ta Iraq.

I kinda like Ashy's idea fer a anti-anti-war song amendment. But some a the lawyer types say it won't fly. Maybe I'll just sneak it inta some Presidential order when everyone's outta town.

Sept. 20, 2002

Note from Mad Kane: Bush is busy preventing Iraq inspections and learning how to pronounce "United." But there's lots of new stuff here.

Sept. 25, 2002

Dear Diary -- Damn that Al Gore! Where's he come off makin a speech like that? If he keeps that kinda thing up, he'll lose hisself the nomination, & I'll get stuck runnin gainst someone I have ta work at beatin.

Not that I'm worried or anything. Cause we'll still be at war with somebody. Plus most folks -- except the twins -- think I'm cool.

Though sometimes I ask myself why I wanna keep on bein the Prez. Cause it's real hard ta keep up with my runnin. Plus it's kinda lonely at the top & I hardly ever see my friends & the bubble thing gets on my nerves. Like I told Laura just the other day, the real tragedy a 9/11 is mosta my old pals think I'm too busy ta call.

But then I remember how much fun it is ta fight evil & boss everyone around & make guys like Gerry Schröder squirm. And then it all seems worth the hassle.

Sept. 27, 2002

Dear Diary -- Damn that Daschle! On accounta his temper tantrum, I'm not allowed ta say Dems don't care bout security anymore. Even though they don't. Cause either you're with me or you're against me. And since Dems keep messin with my bills, they're against me, which makes em Unamerican, unpatriotic evil-doers who should be in jail -- not in office.

Except they won't let me say stuff like that anymore. Well, actually I can, but I gotta be subtle-like about it, which is real hard. Fer instance, I'm allowed ta imply their evil-doer-ness. Or is it infer? I never can get those 2 words straight, no matter how many times Laura reminds me.

Anyway, it's a real shame, cause stuff like that gets fund-raiser audiences all riled up & ready ta empty their bank accounts, so that Republicans beat the pants off disloyal Dems.

Gettin back ta Daschle, he even had the nerve ta demand an apology. Yeah, like that's gonna happen. Laura says the last time I apologized was back in '82.

Anyway, havin ta do that Rose Garden thingy yesterday was bad enuff. I hate pretendin ta make nice with Dems & actin like we're all on the same side. Even with Dems who know their place & mostly tow the line.

Oh well, the Daschle dust-up woulda been even worse if Armey hadna distracted folks with his anti-Jewish thing. I really oughta thank him! Maybe even send him a "100-degree club" T-shirt. Most of em are left over cause at the ranch in August I was surrounded by wusses.

October 1, 2002

Dear Diary -- I had a pretty good weekend, considerin that China, Russia & France are still bein real unhelpful. I don't understand why we can't just take away their votes.

Not that I'm worried! Just the other day I told Jeb that no matter what happens, I'm gonna bury the madman who tried ta kill my dad. But Jebby said he's my dad too, and maybe you should get a few more countries on board first. It's really sad how jealous Jeb is!

Talkin bout Iraq, who the hell gave McDermott & Bonior permission ta go ta Baghdad? And where's McDermott come off accusin me a misleadin the Merican people? Maybe I should ask Ashy bout adding Bonior & McD ta the no-fly list. Come ta think on it, why not let em stay in Iraq permanent, since they like it there so much? And Daschle & Gore can go join em.

Which reminds me -- I hear Al Gore's started keepin a diary, though I can't imagine why. Doesn't he know he's irrevelant?

October 3, 2002

Dear Diary -- Wow! Gephardt's even a bigger pushover than Karl said he was. Of course the Senate'll drag its unpatiotic heels over my war resolution. But I'm so close ta attackin Iraq right now, I can almost taste it. And I even wrote a song about it

I woulda called Blair ta share the good news. But then I remembered he's been kissin up ta Bill Clinton again and even had him over fer a speech. So I added Blair ta my punishment list. Not the Axis of Evil list. And not even the list that has Schroder right on top. He's on the one below that -- the lapsed loyalty list -- so I probably won't seek regime change. Hahaha!

But if I find out Blair has a book deal, I'm bumpin him up ta the Schroder list. Which reminds me --I hear Jackal Jeffords wrote some kinda bio about hisself. Now there's a book I won't be pretendin ta read.

October 4, 2002

Dear Diary -- So I've been challenged ta duel with Saddam Hussein. Fat chance! Which reminds me -- even Gore admits he's too fat ta wear his weddin ring.

But gettin back ta the duel thing -- No way Josein! Hahaha! Good one!

Now if Saddam wants ta race me down at the ranch, we have somethin ta talk about. And Gore can run too if he can handle losin another race. Cause neither of em'll be leavin with a 100-degree club T-shirt on their back.

Oct. 7, 2002

Note from Mad Kane: Dubya can't post today because he's too busy ignoring the economy.

Oct. 10, 2002

Dear Diary -- Monday's attack-Iraq speech went real good, though I hate when they make me stick ta the script. But Karl & Dick said I had ta be extra dignified since the subject's kinda serious.

Plus I had ta concentrate on soundin like I was tellin people somethin new. And like I'm not fixiated on goin ta war in a hurry. Or at all, fer that matter. Even though I can't wait ta regime change Saddam straight inta the ground. And speakin a ground, I also can't wait ta get my hands on certain black stuff that's buried there which I'm not allowed ta mention. But like they always make me say, I'm a patient man -- NOT!

Doin the dignity thing is a whole lot harder then pretendin ta be a real man a the people. Fer instance, I'm supposta stick ta actual words. And I even have ta stay away from Texas macho talk & the sailin terms I picked up from Poppy, like my favorite about the ooching economy. But on the other hand, gettin ta scare folks with mushroom clouds is seriously cool.

Course Karl's still steamin mad on accounta the networks not carryin my speech & showin dumb entertainment shows instead. Sports is one thing, but sit-coms? Plus he's still PO'd over those SCOTUS weenies refusin ta stop the Dems from stealin the NJ Senate election. He's so mad he even asked Ashy if we can take back that cushy job we gave ta Antonio's kid.

And Karl's also mad at me fer Taft-Hartleyin the dock unions on accounta the economy & not waitin till after the election. Except the important election's 2004!

Oct. 14, 2002

Dear Diary -- Those cowardly Dems caved on Iraq, just like Karl said they would. What a buncha wusses!

Which reminds me -- I still can't believe those Nobel peaceniks gave a prize ta Jimmy "I've got a poem fer ya" Carter. And ta add injury ta insult, Laura made me call & congratulate him. She said it's the classy thing ta do That's what I get fer marryin a girl who likes books!

But I'll get my revenge! I've got a whole team workin on makin sure the Nobel committee head who dissed me gets a swift kick outta his char. Cause that guy did somethin even worse than comparin me ta Hitler -- he inferred that Carter's a better Prez then me. Anyway, I figure if I can get German officials fired, why not Swedes or Swisses, or wherever the hell those prize guys hang out.

Oh well -- at least I'm on the road fer 2 straight weeks, campaignin & fund raisin & explainin how the Dems don't care bout protectin the homeland. I sure do love supportin the democratic process -- hahaha! Specially when the taxpayers pay fer it.

The best part is, this takes me away from my least favorite city except maybe fer New York. And right now it's extra good ta be gone. Cause that sniper's kinda scary!

Oct. 17, 2002

Dear Diary -- I've said it before & I'll say it again -- Karl's a genius! The timin fer the North Korea nukes program leak couldn't be better. We've got the Axis of Evil election made in the shade!

Which reminds me -- I had a great time yesterday signin the Iraq-Attack Resolution. The funny thing is it didn't even need my sig. But who could pass up a cool photo op like that?

Of course I hated goin back ta Washington cause the sniper makes me nervous. But now that the Pentagon's got planes flyin over DC, I'm feelin a whole lot better. Note ta self: Ask Ashy if we can use Pentagon planes ta keep peacenik demonstrators in line.

Which reminds me -- poor Ari was majorly booed when he got some kinda award from his old Vermont college. I'll bet one a them military planes flyin over-head woulda scared those traitors straight offa campus.

And speakina traitors, I hear Al Gore's bein interviewed by Barbie Walters. Karl said they'll probably have a great time talkin bout trees, & everybody laughed. But I have no idea what that means.

I've gotta go call Jeb & calm him down. He's real upset cause some poll says McBride is gainin on him fast. What poor Jebby needs is a country ta attack!

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