Dubya's White House Daze -- Weeks 80-84   This Week  Last Week  Archives  Main  Home

July 30, 2002

Dear Diary -- I did lotsa golfin Saturday & Sunday. Had ta practice up fer next weekend in Maine, cause it sure would be nice ta beat Poppy fer a change.

Golfin's also good cause it takes my mind off bad stuff like the Harken mess. Plus the mean things the media are sayin bout me now that Karen isn't around ta scare em.

Fer instance, some brie & cheese eatin California press guy accused me a rippin off some fella named Orwell. How the hell can I rip off someone I never even hearda?

Plus Krugman's at it again, sayin the reason I refuse ta back down from privatizin Social Security is cause I have an infallibility complex. Laura says he's right cause I never admit I'm wrong. But why should I? I never am!

Krugman also says I want private SS accounts so I can help get big bucks ta my friends. Well, like the twins say -- Duh! That's one a the best perks a bein Prez. That plus gettin ta lord it over folks who think they're better then me.

August 1, 2002

Dear Diary -- I'm in a real bad mood bout a whole lotta things. Fer one thing, every time I turn around, the press is publishin another leak. How my supposta attack Iraq, when my plans keepin landin in the NY Times?

But at least Jimmy Bruce came up with a great idea -- send SWAT teams inta journalist's homes ta stop the leaks. Which would be even more fun than siccin the FBI on the Senate over the 9/11 leaks.

Of course leaks aren't my only problem when it comes ta Saddam. A buncha senior Hill guys from both parties are sayin my Iraq confrontation plans aren't thorough enuff. Who has time ta be thorough? Last time I checked, it was nearly November.

Plus Kerry's been criticizin my whole foreign policy. And cause he went ta Vietnam, we can't shut him down with the patriotism card.

And if that wasn't bad enuff, the press is messin with me takin credit fer the corporate responsibility bill. They even said I signed it on accounta a last minute change a heart. But as usual, they got it wrong. My heart hasn't changed one single bit. Especially when we're talkin bout whistleblowers -- hahaha!

I almost fergot bout Edwards -- he's makin makin trouble too. He said I need ta clean up my own house if I want any credit fer usherin in corporate responsibility. Well guess what Eddy Boy -- the White House is my house, and you can't have it.

Plus I just found out they named some mountain after Yeltsin. How come nobody's named a mountain after me?

Mount Bush has a real nice ring ta it. Except nobody'd know if it's named fer Poppy or fer me. And I guess Mount George doesn't work either. Mount Dubya? Mount G.W.? I'm sure glad my summer vacation's comin up so I'll have time ta figure this out.

Except I won't have as much free time as I thought. Cause everyone's makin a big deal bout me takin a long vacation while the market's in the dumpster & the country's at war. Of course, if I had ta wait fer peacetime ta take a vacation, I'd be waitin 6 or 7 years. And even longer if Ashy finds that term limits loophole he's huntin for.

Anyway, I'll still do lotsa fishin & runnin in between pretendin ta work. And maybe by the time I get back ta DC, me & Dick's "Double H Problem" will fade away.

August 5, 2002

Note from Mad Kane: Dubya's busy stealing glory from miners and their rescuers. Not to mention signing the deviously named "Born Alive Infants Protection Act ." However, I have lots of time to write.

August 6, 2002

Dear Diary -- I interrupted my vacation yesterday ta meet with PA coal miners & the folks that rescued em. I wanted ta skip the whole thing. But Karl said I had ta go there and give one a my American spirit, love yur neighbor, rah-rah speeches, cause it'd make a great photo op. I'm sure glad no one asked why I'm cuttin back on mine safety money.

And that wasn't my only vacation interruption. They made me do a fund raiser fer Susie Collins, even though she's disloyal on campaign finance & perscription drugs. And pals around with slippery types like Jackal Jeffords.

But Karl says I have ta keep helpin so-called moderates like her, ta make sure we get control a both houses. Plus bein seen with her isn't nearly as risky as bein photographed with Simon.

Other then the fund raisin, the weekend went pretty good. I spent lotsa bachelor time with Poppy fishin & speedboatin & playin golf. And the golf was fun, even though I hate teein off in fronta media types. Or makin statements bout Israel violence when all I wanna do is think about the ball.

I need ta concentrate when I play cause the old boy's real competitive & golfs even faster than I do. Which reminds me -- Poppy's mad at me fer callin him an old boy in fronta photographers again. But that's what he gets fer never lettin me win.

Of course this time I had a good losin excuse -- That damn helicopter banged me in the head while I was backin in & wavin. Except I couldn't use my excuse cause my head looks a whole lot better than Poppy's face.

August 7, 2002

Note from Mad Kane: Dubya's busy helping Barney chase armadillos. But I did manage to coax a quote out of him today.

August 9, 2002

Dear Diary -- I'm still flyn from my Mississippi speeches. I think I was extra psyched cause Karen came back ta me this week fer the first time in a month. And she promised ta stick around fer a while & make sure I don't nod off durin the Waco money summit. I miss her so much!

But gettin back ta Mississippi, I gave some rip-roarin, crack down on corp. crime, the recession's Clinton/Gore's fault speeches, & they went real good. Karl says I'm gettin great at lookin sincere durin the book-cookin part. Plus I even managed ta say malfeasance right.

I also explained that the role of government isn't ta create wealth. Unless you're one a my pals -- hahaha!

And the cake on the icin is I got in some great digs in about malpractice suits. People always clap lots when I say bad stuff about lawyers!

The only part I didn't like was promisin ta consult with Congress and our lillylivered allies before wagin war on Iraq. I said it cause they told me I had ta. But I had my fingers crossed the whole time.

The good news is Saddam also gave a speech & said if I try ta topple him we're diggin our own graves. Sounds like a war provocation ta me!

August 13, 2002

Dear Diary -- The meetin hasn't even started yet, & I'm bored ta tears already. I still don't like fuzzy math any more then when Gore was tossin it around.

I know we need the PR & everything. But I still don't know why it couldn't wait till I'm done with my vacation. The only folks who care bout the market right now are Martha's Vineyard wine-swillin types. And they never vote fer me anyway.

The only good part is we only invited folks who have right-thinkin opinions. But I'd still rather cut down cedar. Not only does it liberate my oaks, but with each chop I imagine swingin at another damn Democrat.

August 16, 2002

Dear Diary -- Boy am I glad that wacky Waco thing is over. What a snooze! The only good part is I had ta pop inta lotsa meetins. So I always had a good excuse ta leave.

Even Dick was bored stiff. But he's much better than me at pretendin ta listen. And I loved that funny line he said bout him bein there ta soak up wisdom. What a card!

Of course the Dems & media types bitched up a storm, sayin I just heard my own ideas bounced back ta me. But that isn't true at all. Mostly I was thinkin bout my golf game.

I still don't get why the media complained so much bout it bein just a PR event. It never bothered em before.

And speakin a complainers, I'm seriously PO'd at Fox. He has some hellofa nerve cancellin his visit at the last minute just cause some Mexican lowlife was executed in Texas. That Fox is gonna be one sorry Mexicali cowboy.

And the firefighters union's also in a snit over me rejectin the emergency spendin package. They're even boycottin my speech at the 9/11 tribute. Too bad firefighters aren't in my Homeland Security Dept. Cause then I could mess with their union too.

But at least all my fund raisin trips & speeches went good this week. And my head felt right at home at Rushmore!

August 21, 2002

Note from Mad Kane: I'm on vacation for a week and am struggling with an incredibly pathetic Net connection. But I did manage to post this.

August 29, 2002

Note from Mad Kane: Regular posting here and on my Notables Weblog will resume after Labor Day weekend. However, Dubya's obsession with attacking Iraq inspired me to write another song parody: Iraq, Iraq (To be sung to "New York, New York" from "On The Town.")

Iraq, Iraq, I refuse to back down.
Most hawks say yup, but some others just frown.
Hussein belongs in a hole in the ground.
Iraq, Iraq, I refuse to back down.

The rest is here.

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