Dubya's White House Daze -- Week 43   This Week  Last Week  Archives  Main  Home

Nov. 12, 2001

Dear Diary -- I can't believe I spent the whole weekend stuck in New York City. I'm not sure what's worse -- the UN or Ground Zero. Actually, the UN part started out okay -- I gave a real rousin speech. But then Arafat ruined things by givin his own speech and gettin a lot more applause.

It's lucky I have some quality ranch time planned with Putin this week. Otherwise I'd be real bummed out. But havin a chuck-wagon picnic with singin cowboys ta look forward ta can get me thru almost anything.

And I know Vlad and Lyud are excited bout it too. He tells me they don't do stuff like that in Russia -- I guess they're too busy drinkin wodka -- hahaha!

I woulda invited Ashy ta join us in Texas But he's real busy makin sure California cancer patients don't smoke any weed. Plus he's spyin on lawyers and their criminal clients. Like we always say: 2nd Amendment good. 6th Amendment bad!

It's really a shame Ashy's got so much on his plate. Cause I bet he'd love ta lead us all in prayer at Prairie Chapel Ranch. And he sure can sing a real mean hymn!

Speakena mean, Hillary Clinton's been spoutin off bout my tax cut, claimin it's ruinin the eoncomy. What a rhymes with witch! Everything that's gone wrong this year is her husband's fault! But at least we're gettin him kicked outta my favorite court!

Nov. 14, 2001

Dear Diary -- Tuesday's press conference with Putin went pretty good. Except fer when some reporter tried ta make it look like I'm crackin down on the press. I'd never rein in the press. That's Ari's job -- hahah! And if the press knows what's good fer em, they'll leave that parta the conference out.

Come ta think of it, Putin was annoyin too. I promise ta reduce strategic offensive weapons, & then he makes me look bad by sayin he'll try ta respond in kind. And that on missile defense, Russia hasn't changed its mind.

Plus Putin refuses ta accept my handshake. The man's gotta get everything on paper, even though I always keep my committments. Okay, not the ones ta New York, but mosta the others.

I know what he's up ta. Putin's gettin back at me fer makin him look at every picture in the White House. Not the neked baby photos of Jeb and me -- but near ta everything else.

Or maybe he's mad bout what I said when I showed him my Churchill bust. I asked if the bust factory managed ta sell any Putin busts yet. I also said if anyone made a busta me, they'd be flyin out the door.

Still and all, I was just teasin him. If he wants ta be a friend a mine he'd better be able ta take a joke.

I'll give him one more chance today at the ranch. And if he doesn't behave -- no pecan pie! Plus maybe I'll make him chop down a tree. Then he can make all the damned paper he thinks he needs.

Nov. 16, 2001

Dear Diary --Damn those reporters! I interrupt my Putin barbecue ta announce good hostage rescue news, and what's my reward? They insult my garage, callin it messy . It's not bad enuff that we got stuck picnickin indoors. Now I have the whole world readin bout mud & oil stains on my 2 car garage. Plus Laura's mad at me fer makin it look like she doesn't keep a clean house.

I was really lookin forward ta Vlad's visit, but it turned out ta be a washout. And not just the rain! Though the rain did put a damper on tourin the ranch ridin my compassionate Gator. Also, I didn't even get ta challenge Putin to a run. The guy's much younger than me and is supposed ta be a fitness nut. But I bet I woulda won!

Anyway, Putin's still playin hardball. He even had the nerve ta say he wanted ta approve missile tests aheada time. Plus he made fun a me fer not knowin how ta ride a horse. But I fixed him good by nicknamin him Red.

On the other hand, he did make a good joke when we visited the high school He said No questions bout math! How can ya hate a guy with a good sensa humor? Which is just as well, cause I've gotta stay friendly long enuff ta get my defense shield.

That's why I told him he's the kinda guy I'd like to have in a foxhole with me. Not that anyone's gettin me near a foxhole!

I must say that the dinner went pretty good, considerin we were stuck inside. How bad can it be with Texas steak & the Ranch Hands Band? Plus it was a lotta fun watchin Condy learn ta line dance. She's one good looker! And like mosta her people, she's got rhythm ta spare.

And speakena rhythm, we invited that piano playin Van Cliburn ta dinner as a special treat fer Putin. I think he won some kinda Ruskie contest.

Which reminds me, Putin's people panicked cause Crawford's a teetotaling town. So they trucked in a buncha cases a wodka -- enuff fer a small army. Or a coupla frat parties at Yale.

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