Dubya's White House Daze -- Week 48-50   This Week  Last Week  Archives  Main  Home

Dec. 18, 2001

Dear Diary -- I sure have gotten a whole ... uhm ... sledload a Christmas cards. Not that I'm countin, but it's only Dec. 18, & I already got more'n Poppy's all-time record. I'll haveta brag bout that in between rubbin his nose in my poll numbers.

Of course Laura says I've gotta act nicer ta the old fella & she's probably right. Except he was real mean ta me durin my youthful drinkin days And he never thought I'd mounta much. Plus if he talked better, I'd probably talk better, & then people wouldna make fun a me on the Net & on TV.

Not that they do it as much as they useta -- mosta the TV comic guys have chickened out lately. But the Net's a total nother matter. And the stuff they do there like made-up stories & just-pretend diaries really gets me riled. Cause like that great thing Ashy said just the other day -- To those who make fun a the President my message is this: Your tactics only aid terrorists - for they erode our national unity and diminish our resolve.

But gettin back ta my Christmas cards, most get answered without my even seein em. Cause I'm too busy hearin bout Homeland threats & promisin ta smoke out the Evil One who either is or isn't in a cave.

But my staff shows me the best ones, & my favorite so far is from Mr. NRA himself -- John Snyder. His card shows Santa standin on a plane givin a gun gift ta some pilot.

I especially liked Snyder's personal note -- "Great job upholdin the only good amendment!"

Dec. 21, 2001

Dear Diary -- Ari tells me I'm on People Magazine's Top 25 Most Intriguing People List for 2001. Well of course I am -- I'm the Leader of the World. Though it's kinda cool bein on the same list as Barry Bonds.

On the other hand, it's not exactly an honor bein included with Condit and that annoyin Guiliani. Or with Friends, which Laura tells me is some kinda TV show.

Talkin bout TV, Poppy said some weird things on ABC -- Diane Sawyer's show. I think the old man's really loosin it. He tried ta explain away my John Walker's a "poor fellow" remark & just made things worse. Cause he actually said Walker should be punished by makin him leave his hair the way it is and his face as dirty as it is and lettin him wander round this country and see what sympathy he'd get. What kinda crazy punishment is that? Even fer a kid with rich, connected parents who I really hope doesn't turn out ta be a relative like the Queen.

Something tells me Poppy won't be goin back on ABC -- not after what they did to our Saudi Arabian pals. ABC got holda that bin Laden tape and did their own translation. And they found a whole buncha stuff that makes the Saudis look like the terrorists they are. Damn! I was hopin we'd get away with accidentally on purpose leavin those parts out.

But I have more serious things ta worry bout -- like that damn Tom Daschle. He's got me so mad I may haveta run an extra 3 miles just ta calm down. If it wasn't fer that stubborn SOB I'd have a stimulus bill I can sign on my desk before the recess. Not ta mention somethin great ta brag bout in my State a the Union Speech. Which I really could use since it doesn't look like we're findin bin Laden any time soon. Or that we'll be able ta pin anthrax on Iraq on accounta it probably came from the CIA.

And McCain the Pain & Lieberman are makin trouble too. They're sayin the government (meanin Me) was asleep at the wheel on 9/11. They're even makin noise bout investigatin the causes of the attacks. I want that investigated bout as much as I want people nosin into my connections with Enron & Lay.

Dec. 27, 2001

Note From Mad Kane: Don't panic! This isn't another hiatus -- just a desperately needed vacation. Hey, don't laugh. Channeling Dubya is hard work. Plus, if I don't take the occasional break, I might forget how to write in actual English.

I plan to post a new Dubya diary entry on January 3rd or, if I'm feeling extra lazy, the 4th. In the meantime there's lots of other humor here about high-tech mayhem, work, cars, money, travel, the holidays, and marriage and family. And if you're new to Dubya's Dayly Diary, be sure to check out its archives. Happy New Year!

January 3, 2002

Dear Diary -- Damn that bin Laden! My vacation's nearly over and the evil one's still on the loose. I was sure our boys woulda smoked him out weeks ago. But instead we don't even know if he's in a cave with the door shut or in a cave with the door open. Fer all we know, he could be in some sorta studio right this minute, recordin another videotape just ta make me look bad.

Sure, I talk real optimistic-like in public bout us bein on the hunt & havin him on the run. And I know I said this wouldna be some kinda instant gratification war. But I want that guy dead, damn it! And I want him dead now!

The only thing that makes me feel better is playin with the cool voo-doo doll the twins bought me fer Christmas. I probably shouldn't admit this now that I'm the Christian Right's leader, but whenever I get real blue & runnin doesn't help, I stick a buncha pins into Pin-Laden, pretend I'm administrin some Texas-style justice, & I perk right up.

Which reminds me -- I'm sick & tired a those damn Dems makin such a stink bout my military tribunals. The WTC victims didn't get justice, so why should their killers get any? Sometimes the Constitution really gets on my nerves -- except fer the 2nd amendment.

But I shouldn't get myself worked up like this durin the holidays. Cause it's a time fer eatin cheeseburgers, clearin underbrush, spendin quality time with Laura, & cancellin my subscription ta Time Magazine. And also fer fishin & fer killin regulations when the press won't notice cause they're too busy stuffin their faces.

I still can't believe I got away with cancellin those nasty, anti-business Clinton/Gore regs barrin companies that violate environment and workplace standards from gettin government contracts. But other than David Broder in the Post, there was barely a peep. And who cares what Buttinksy Broder thinks!

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