Dubya's White House Daze -- Week 52   This Week  Last Week  Archives  Main  Home

Jan. 14, 2002

Dear Diary -- Faintin from a pretzel? What kinda twisted cover story is a pretzel goin down wrong? Who the hell's gonna swallow that?

I still think we shoulda covered my bruises with makeup. Or maybe blamed it on the dogs. Cause this is almost as humiliatin as Poppy throwin up on that fella in Japan.

But at least, like Ari says, there's just so much news space to go around. So any time they're talkin bout me faintin from a pretzel, they're not makin noise bout Reich & Scalia -- or Enron.

On the other hand, if it wasn't fer Enron, I probably wouldn't be needin ta explain away my sore lip & cheek. Which hurts a whole lot, specially when I eat or talk or kiss. Not that I'm gonna be gettin much in the way a kissin any time soon.

But maybe this'll distract the liberal media so they'll forget that I kinda accidentally on purpose "misspoke" bout how I got ta know Kenny Boy & when he first supported me & that nasty Ann Richards. I still can't believe some a them dug up stuff that contraindicated what I told em. They're usually too lazy ta work that hard.

But this Enron business has got em all heated up. Sudden-like so-called investigative reporters are doin actual investigatin. They're all hot ta uncover somethin & win some kinda prize.

Well it's not happenin! They ain't gettin nothin on me. Nothin important anyway. Cause when everyone else was busy readin & studyin, I was learnin real life smarts.

Anyway, best comes ta worst, I'll just dump that "Genius a Capitalism" O'Neill. Or even better, find some way to pin everything on Clinton.

Jan. 16, 2002

Dear Diary -- I hear a wild fox is loose in the Supreme Court & that it could even have rabies. I sure hope the fox is a Republican -- hahaha!

Too bad we didn't know bout it before my "pretzel chokin incident." Cause bein attacked by a wild fox woulda made a better story.

On the other hand, they're still laughin at pansy poet Carter & his big, giant rabbit. So maybe I'd better stick ta chokin on pretzels.

Some people thought I should cancel this week's trip down America's spine on accounta my not feelin or lookin so hot. But I went anyway and gave a buncha speeches. Cause I really like takin my bullyin pulpit on the road.

Besides, how can I pass up a chance ta eat oysters & baked Alaska & honk horns & flash lights at a John Deere plant?

I also had lotsa fun complainin bout how the Dems are tryin ta shut down trade & play politics with it insteada givin me the fast track I want. And I always like tellin farmers that food's important and that when it comes ta farmin we can whip the world.

And that I need fast trade so we can feed everyone on the planet. Okay, not the terrorists, but everyone else. Cause if ya feed a terrorist, you're a terrorist. Unless maybe ya feed em pretzels.

Jan. 18, 2002

Dear Diary -- Damn it all! I came thisclose ta pullin off my media anti-antitrust scheme. If it wasn't fer Horrible Hollings interferin at the last minute, my FTC/DOJ deal woulda gone thru Thursday. And then the media woulda celebrated Antitrust Independence Day. What an easy way ta get good coverage!

But at least one good thing happened -- I found out that Monica Lewinsky's makin some kinda documentry. Ya gotta love how Clinton insists on stayin in the news.

Also, I hear that the Gary Condit/Chandra Levy case is bein talked bout again. I can't imagine how that happened -- hahaha!

Karl's right like always -- When it comes ta Enron distractions, Lewinsky & Levy are almost as good as attackin Iraq.

Not that I'm worried. They're not touchin me, no matter what kinda fishin they try ta do. Cause like Mary Matalin's always sayin -- If there's no blue dress, this dog won't hunt.

Dubya's Dayly Diary Main Page

Dubya's Dayly Diary Archives

Dick Cheney Parody Interview

Pretzel Producers Allege Dubya Defamation, File Multibillion Buck Lawsuit

Comics' Relief: Late Night Comedians Begin Group Therapy

George Dubya Bush Channeler Seeks Therapy

Subscribe to MadKane Humor

Mad Kane's Latest Humor Columns

Liberal Links

Return Home (MadKane.com)