Madeleine Begun Kane, Humor Columnist Latest Humor Columns
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Madeleine Begun Kane,
Humor Columnist,

Madeleine Begun Kane

Bob Newhart Names Madeleine Begun Kane Winner of Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor


I can always count on my husband Mark to inspire a humor column or limerick. And my other family members generously do their part too. I hope you'll enjoy all the marriage and family humor columns, limericks, and light verse by Madeleine Begun Kane.

  • Wife Appreciation Day Limerick

  • Foul Limerick
    "A man in a very foul mood
    Had caught his new wife with some dude..."

  • Happy "Bike To Work Day"
    "Spousal nagging pushed hubby to strike
    Some balance by riding a bike..."

  • Parental Proposal "The help wanted pages are filled with job descriptions that defy comprehension. This probably explains why so many parents can't quite figure out what it is their children do for a living..."

  • A Squirrely Lesson "Being a feminist, even a moderate feminist like me, can make it tough to dodge duties unsuited to the squeamish. In my case, squirrel removal..."

  • Lone Limerick
    "A woman was feeling alone
    Cuz her husband was glued to his phone..."

  • Dancing With A Wild Man
    "My husband has very wild moves.
    So when dancing, it surely behooves..."

  • Ill-Bred Limerick
    "A man who was rather ill-bred
    Often hogged nearly all of the bed..."

  • Wedded Limerick
    "A fellow was planning to wed
    A gal rather awful in bed. ..."

  • Worldwide Limerick
    "A fellow was famous worldwide:
    His two wives had suspiciously died, ..."

  • Slippery Limerick
    "A fellow who just let it slip
    That his wife got a tuck and a nip ..."

  • The Tenor Of Our Anniversary "My husband Mark and I had a wonderful time celebrating our 32nd wedding anniversary on Friday, June 4th in Manhattan. ..."

  • Limerick Affairs
    "A fellow who had an affair
    Got caught by his lovely wife, Claire. ..."

  • Romantic Verse "I couldn’t let International Limerick Day go by without posting a new limerick prompt, could I? ..."

  • Tow Guy Blues "I should put my local tow guy on a yearly retainer. Here’s a typical conversation:
    Me: Hi, it’s me, Madeleine Kane. Guess whose husband left the lights on again. My address is...
    Tow Guy: Still have you down from last week. Have you considered our frequent-user plan?"

  • Brassy Limerick
    "A brassy old woman named Joan
    Loves the trumpet, but hates the trombone. ..."

  • We Don’t Think We Can Dance, But We Do It Anyway
    "My husband and I like to dance.
    Are we good? Oh no way — not a chance. ..."

  • Rehab For Serial Wife-Cheating? Bullox! (Double Limerick) "I don’t know about you, but I’m not buying Jesse James’ (or Tiger Woods’) rehab ploy. ..."

  • Sparring Over Spare Time "Do you and your spouse argue about how to spend your spare time? Togetherness can be tough to achieve when a couple's interests just don't jibe. But this contract may be just the cure for your spare time blues..."

  • Miserly Limerick
    "A miserly fellow name Joe
    Was obsessed with his weekly cash flow. ..."

  • Ode To An Absent-Minded Husband
    "Your umbrella can not have gone far.
    Can’t believe how forgetful you are! ..."

  • Chance Meeting (Wedding Anniversary Limerick) "My wonderful husband Mark and I are celebrating our 29th wedding anniversary today. Happy anniversary Mark! This limerick is my gift to you. (How’s that for getting off cheap?) ..."

  • Ode To Unselfishness (Limerick)
    "My husband is great—good as gold.
    And there’s no one more giving, all told. ..."

  • The Face of Limericks
    "A woman who fell on her face
    When she tripped on her wedding gown lace, ..."

  • Happy Birthday Limerick For My Brother, Arthur Begun

  • A Traveler's Net Woes "If your husband ever invites you to join him on a business trip, be sure to ask him these questions:
       1. Will you ever get to see him while he is not -- technically -- asleep?
       2. What will he do, if you accidentally lock yourself out of your hotel room in the middle of the night while you are not -- technically -- dressed? ..."

  • Taking Our Marriage's Temperature
    "My husband and I can agree
    On most everything—“a” straight through “z”. ..."

  • A Take-Charge Marriage (Limerick)
    "We’re both bossy, my husband and I.
    Domineering, some say with a sigh...."

  • Tubing Blues "Tubing - the masochistic act of hurtling down a fall-fraught river while clinging to an inner-tube. Somehow my husband Mark talked me, a devout wimp, into trying it..."

  • My Confession
    "I’m married, but still like to date.
    It’s good for my marriage — no, great! ..."

  • Quick Story
    "'Quick story,' my husband declares.
    'It’s short — I’m not kidding,' he swears. ..."

  • Hayworth’s Marriage Menagerie (Limerick) "J.D. Hayworth, in an effort to out-wingnut John McCain in Arizona’s Senatorial primary, is claiming that legalized same-sex marriage can lead to man-horse nuptials. ..."

  • Empty Nest (Limerick)
    "A woman was feeling depressed.
    (Her syndrome is called “empty nest.”) ...”

  • Religion Hits Bottoms (limerick about Christian Domestic Discipline (CDD) marriage
    "CDD is an odd Christian fad
    For punishing wives when they’re 'bad.' ..."

  • Harried Spouse

  • Not An American Idol
    "There once was a woman named June
    Whose singing was way out of tune. ..."

  • How To Muck Up Gift-Giving
    "Dear hubby, I’d really be miffed
    If you gave me manure as a gift. ..."

  • Dim-Witted Driver
    "A dim-witted driver named Ed
    Often finds that his battery’s dead. ..."

  • Rudy's Family Values (Limerick)
    “To marry your cousin is fine.
    To pretend not to know it — divine. ...”

  • Love At First Sight (Limerick and Haiku celebrating the event that led to my Wedding day.)
    "‘Twas amoré (yes, love) at first sight
    When I met my dear husband that night. ..."

  • Engagement Bling (Limerick)
    “I’m engaged,” said the gal to her mom.
    “I’m in love and I’m marrying Tom. ...”

  • Sleepless In Bayside
    "My husband can catnap at will,
    And my jealous reaction is shrill. ..."

  • Romance -- A Foreign Concept? (Limerick)
    "Instead of your long-winded rants,”
    Says the gal, “I’d prefer some romance. ..."

  • Ring Of Truth (Limerick)
    "This engagement ring — that’s what I’d like,”
    Said the gal to her boyfriend named Mike. ...

  • Crazy Aunts (Limerick and Haiku)
    "Crazy aunt in your fam’ly? Let’s see:
    Does she scoff at conventions with glee? ..."

  • “Dear Son” Letters (Limerick)
    “Whenever my husband gets mail
    From his mom, this is true without fail: ...”

  • Vacation Verse
    "My husband is swimming outdoors.
    I expect he’ll be back when it pours, ..."

  • Miss Dating? Not Me! (Limerick)
    "Before I was married I dated
    Hardly ever, cause dating I hated...."

  • The Five-Second What??? "I guess I must have led a very sheltered existence. Why do I say that? Because I’d never heard the phrase “five-second rule” until my husband Mark used it as an excuse to eat some treat he’d just dropped on the floor. (And yes, we’re still married.) ..."

  • Bulletproof Backpacks: In Case Your Kid’s Classmate Is Packing "It’s mid-August, which means back-to-school day is just around the corner. And that in turn means it’s time to start shopping for school supplies: rulers and notebooks and pens and lunch boxes and calculators and computers and school clothes and … bulletproof backpacks??? ..."

  • One Of These Days, I’ll Actually Say This (Limerick)
    "We’re annoyed by your motormouth child.
    He is boist’rous and noisy and wild. ..."

  • Charge! (Limerick)
    "'A charge account’s wrong to its core,'
    Said the dad, who paid cash at each store. ..."

  • Motor Boating Just Isn't Our Speed "My husband Mark and I were never meant to own a motor boat. Why not? Any couple who can’t figure out how to open their car hood, should probably stick to something propelled by oars. ..."

  • Misspent Youth (Limerick)
    "We tend to be charmed and beguiled
    By a talented prodigy child. ..."

  • Married To Money (Limerick)
    “He’s a cheapskate, so stingy with cash,
    That he threw an embarrassing bash: ..."

  • A Modest Dating Proposal For Anxious Guys (Limerick)
    “Introducing your gal to your mom?
    Are you worried your intro will bomb? ..."

  • A Limerick Spread
    "A woman was planning a spread,
    Meant to help push her husband ahead. ..."

  • Limerick Mate
    "A woman was peeved at her mate
    Cuz he’d constantly carp and debate. ..."

  • One Father's Day Limerick Too Many?
    "A pregnant young woman named Kay
    Was due to give birth the next day. ..."

  • May I Please Have Your Paw In Marriage? (Limerick)
    "Is your schnauzer in love with your collie?
    Jolly England can help you, by golly: ..."

  • No Sweat Divorce (Limerick)
    “'My husband and I are estranged,'
    Said the wife, 'cause he acts so deranged'. ..."

  • Surmounting Marriage "Before agreeing to marry my husband Mark, I asked him the usual questions: (1) Do you know what a hamper is and have you ever actually used one? (2) Do you spend weekends sprawled in front of a sports- spewing screen, devouring couch potato chips? (3) Are your parents likely to drive me to drink?"

  • Bridling At A Question (Limerick)
    "At his question, I’m fit to be tied
    Cuz it comes from left field. I must hide! ..."

  • A Rueful Rhyme (Limerick)
    "Your inventions are brilliant, it’s true.
    Yes, you’re smart; it’s your rudeness I rue. ..."

  • Sleepless In Geekdom (Limerick)
    "My husband’s a super-smart geek
    Who’s on overnight call once a week. ..."

  • Wedding Anniversary Limerick

  • Marriage Catch (Limerick)
    "Said the fellow, 'I need some advice.
    Tell me how I can catch me some mice, ...'"

  • Mother's Day Limerick Contest Results -- And the Winners Are

  • Sibling Trickster (Limerick)
    "'Pick a card,' was a phrase I would hear
    As a child, from my brother, all year. ..."

  • Traveling Baggage "Vacation travel. A time to relax, mellow out, let loose and forget your cares. To indulge yourself, boogie till dawn, gorge on gourmet fare. To spend an entire day shopping for a "must have" item you forgot to pack..."

  • Is It Spring Yet? (Limerick)
    "We are having a foul-weather bout—
    Lots of snow, sleet, and hail—not a drought. ..."

  • Doggone Limerick
    "“It’s so cute!” said the child, with delight.
    “You can’t have it,” said Mom. “Puppies bite. ..."

  • Mother's Day Limerick
    "A day that's unique, like no other,
    Is the day that we celebrate mothers..."

  • Secret Shopper "'I'm not going in there. No way. Forget it.' My seventy-something mother's stance was as rigid as her words; arms folded across her chest, unyielding legs pointed away from the shop I'd just suggested..."

  • The Up Side Of Winter "Here’s another limerick about our recent New York snow and ice storm: ..."

  • How To Visit An Art Museum "There are many good reasons to visit an art museum. Impressing a date. Vying for a slot in the cultural elite. Some people actually go because they appreciate art. If you're a novice art fan, this is how it's done:
    1. Your virgin museum visit should take place while you're out of town. That way, your displays of ignorance will be witnessed only by strangers..."

  • Obligatory Post-Thanksgiving Poem
    "We visited my in-laws
    And we ate too fast.
    I fiddled on their piano,
    And we talked about the past...."

  • Religious Fervor, Or Fever? "Hey, Madeleine," my husband Mark recently said. "How would you like to convert..."

  • Our Infectious Net "When I was a child, my mother always worried about my catching a virus. Well, I'm a married woman now, and she still worries about my catching a virus. Only these days they have names like the Love Bug and Melissa..."

  • Musical Accord "One afternoon your ten-year old daughter comes home from school, enthused about learning to play an instrument. Your eyeballs start to throb. Your head begins to pulsate. You ask yourself whether tin ears are passed down from parents to their children..."

  • A Poodle Tale "I read recently that elegant dog garb and pricey canine day-care are "in" these days. Frankly, I was pleased to learn this. For until I acquired this seemingly frivolous bit of information, I was seriously concerned about my parents..."

  • Litigation Ode (Limerick)
    "'You don’t care about others. You’re callous,'
    Said the plaintiff, with undisguised malice. ..."

  • Romancing The Stoic "We've lost power!" I shrieked, as the lights went out and a Brahms concerto stopped mid-cadenza. "It's okay," my husband Mark said, in a futile attempt to calm me down. For already I was ransacking the house in search of flashlights, candles, matches and batteries. And as usual, I'd hidden them away in a safe and elusive spot.

  • Mice-Capades "It was a classic scene, with a twist. Mouse scampers across the room. Woman leaps out of its path. And husband hurls himself onto the couch to join her..."

  • Office Party Follies "There are few "fun" activities quite so vexing as the Office Christmas Party; that obligatory gathering of bosses and subordinates, cronies and rivals, back-stabbers and back-stabbees. Plus a horde of husbands and wives who spend the entire night planning their escape..."

  • Jump, Jive, & Sweat "You're gonna swing dance in this weather? Are you insane?"
    I've been asked that a lot lately, which isn't surprising when you consider this summer's humidity and heat wave. New York City's weather has been so unbearable, that felons have switched from car theft to stealing AC's...

  • A Kiss Before Speechifying "Actually, I was trying to send a message to Tipper." So said Vice President Al Gore, when asked if he was trying to send a message to the country with the Gores' nationally televised smooch on the final evening of the Democratic National Convention. For some reason I can't quite grasp, people are making a big deal about the not quite X-rated kiss Al gave Tipper right before he began his nomination acceptance speech...

  • Scouting For Trouble "My husband Mark is a Boy Scout. Not in the literal sense, of course. Although he claims to have earned badges for everything from..."

  • Taking A Vacation on the Contract Plan "Planning a vacation can often be a daunting challenge. Especially when one spouse likes to rough it and the other prefers luxuries like toilets, showers, and cable TV. So what's a couple to do? Well, they can take separate trips. Or they can negotiate and sign on the dotted line..."

  • Going Topless "For months I resisted my husband Mark's vacation idea -- a Key West trip featuring a drive through the Keys in a rented convertible. I don't know about you, but I associate convertibles with youth and coolness. And as much as I hate to admit it, Mark and I are quite a bit beyond the former ... and seem to have skipped the latter..."

  • Is It Safe To Shop With Your Mate? "One sure way to test a relationship is to shop with your mate..."

  • This Driver's Ed "In a Just Shoot Me sitcom episode, Dennis Finch (played by David Spade) moonlights as a drivers ed classroom teacher whose students have been court-ordered to take his class. Spade depicts Finch as a dedicated, MV law-savvy teacher with a dark secret: He doesn't know how to drive..."

  • False Alarm "My husband Mark and I have a weekend hideaway, a respite from the pace of New York City life. Our country haven is smaller than most; it was once optimistically measured at 400 square feet. In fact, it’s so petite that the very act of staying there more than a day without a single quarrel is persuasive proof of a sound relationship..."

  • To Sleep, Perchance To Clean "One of my favorite pastimes (besides begging my husband Mark to teach me how to nap) is unearthing useless surveys and..."

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