Dubya's White House Daze -- Weeks 58-59   This Week  Last Week  Archives  Main  Home

Feb. 25, 2002

Dear Diary -- I'm glad ta be back in the USA, where there's Christian values & honest Merican beef. And students can't ask mean questions.

Plus now that I'm in the Homeland, I can stop makin nice with Asian leaders, who are still in a tizzy over my Axis of Evil. Even though I told em Gore got over it, so why can't they?

Anyway, the whole time I was there I had ta bite my tongue, cause I wasn't supposed ta say the word evil. Okay, it slipped out once at the DMZ, but it wasn't my fault. They were talkin bout axes, which sounds pretty much like axis.

But then all the papers picked it up, & I got yelled at, & I had ta go back ta restrainin myself. Which kept me all tense & pent up. In fact I still feel tense & ... Evil! Evil! Evil! Evil! Evil !Evil! Evil! Wow! That feels almost as good as runnin 3 miles.

Holdin myself back is real stressful. Which is probably why I tripped & almost fell off the Chinese podium. Unless it was a trick platform set ta embarass me.

Speakena embarassin, it turns out that the US & Japan haven't been pals fer a century & a half, after all. Musta mixed em up with someone else.

But Ari says don't worry, cause the stock market doesn't care how long we've been allies. Besides, what's an extra hundred years between friends?

Feb. 27, 2002

Dear Diary -- I watched "We Were Soldiers" with Mel Gibson, Rummy & Condy last night. I figure it's a good flick ta see now that I've gone ta war. And I even picked up a coupla pointers.

Gibson seems like an okay enuff guy, considerin he isn't a ballplayer. But the guests I'd really like ta see are our Olympic champs. Which reminds me -- the Beef Association folks were really pleased with my Sasha Cohen photo op. They said it was well worth the price a my fancy new hat. Course, I think she's a strange choice fer a beef ad campaign. That girl doesn't look like she eats at all.

I'm PO'd cause someone got wind that my Olympic Sasha meetin didn't happen by accident. But I'm even more steamed over the Pentagon leak. If I ever find out who told the press bout our OSI disinfo plans, that guy's gonna be spendin a lot more time with his family. Cause what's the pointa tellin lies, if everyone knows you're tellin lies?

Anyway, Rummy had ta announce we're closin the OSI. Then again, maybe we're not. Hahaha!

And speakena leaks, I'm still boilin mad at my ex-speechwriter. What a nerve claimin credit fer my axis of evil! If he wanted credit fer his words, he shoulda run fer President.

March 1, 2002

Dear Diary -- I was worried fer a while cause I heard Poppy was in hot water. But it turns out it was just a fuss over him callin Johnny Walker a misguided Marin County hot-tubber. It seems some Marin County folks got steamed & demanded an apology. And he gave em one, sorta, which proves Poppy's gone soft. Cause who cares what those damn brie & cheese-eatin, Dem-votin hot tubbers think?

Of course I teased Poppy bout it & also bout my beatin the pants off him in ABC's Greatest Presidents Poll. I'm ranked way aheada him, though I'm only numero 3 behind Kennedy & Lincoln, which is real unfair! I suppose they got brownie points fer gettin killed.

I also reminded Poppy that I have a doctrine named after me & he doesn't. Come ta think of it, I'm pretty sure nobody ever gave Poppy a bullhorn either.

And speaken a bull, the press figured out that Poppy's the one that had Kenny Boy over fer a White House sleepover & not Bill Clinton. Damn! We thought it would take em longer ta catch on. But Ari says it doesn't matter cause nobody reads corrections anyway. So mission accomplished -- most everyone connects Clinton with Lay. Even though he never even gave him a nickname.

Too bad our latest anti-Clinton mission didn't work as well. Yesterday, Ari blamed the Mideast violence on Clinton, just like we planned. Only it backfired big time! We got so much heat, that Ari had ta eat his words. But he was a good little soldier & took the fall. Maybe I'll reward him some day with a non-workin trip ta the ranch.

Which reminds me -- Condy says Jiang's still anglin fer a Crawford invite, but I'm leanin gainst it. Cause "O Sole Mio" or no "O Sole Mio," I've looked inta Zemin's eyes & I don't like his soul. So I told Condy if she wants ta dance with Jiang again, she should invite him to her house.

March 6, 2002

Note From Mad Kane: Dubya's next entry will be on March 7. In the meantime, I hope you'll check out my new Legal Humor Page. And please don't miss my Latest Humor.

March 7, 2002

Note From Mad Kane: I promised a new Dubya diary entry for March 7, but I have to move it to the 8th. Does it help that I have a great excuse? I've been busily writing my latest song parody -- Bush & His Shadow:

Bush And His Shadow (To be sung to the tune of "Me And My Shadow")
"Bush and his shadow
Ruling the United States.
Bush and his shadow
Not a word to Dems whose guts he hates.

And when it's time to act
He turns to Blair.
Bush won't share facts
With Congress on a dare.

Just Bush and his shadow
All alone and feeling great..."

The rest is here.

March 8, 2002

Dear Diary -- That Pelosi dame's movie bout me is bein shown at some film festival today, & I'm gettin sick a pretendin not ta care. How could I let her film me like that? It's one thing ta act silly & charm the pants off the press so they go easy on me. But it's another ta let it get taped.

Karl & Karen are kinda worried bout how the Merican People will react ta Journeys With George. Especially since I can't remember exactly what I did while Pelosi had her damn camera goin. Though I'm bettin I cut up somethin awful.

Of course I'm not all that concerned bout the People. Cause it makes em feel good bout themselves when I pretend ta stoop down ta their levels.

But if even a few a the stunts I pulled end up in that flick, Laura's gonna be steamin mad!

Damn! If it wasn't fer that annoyin 1st amendment, we could shut the thing down. We were hopin ta claim unauthorized tapin or use some national security line. But the lawyer types say that stuff won't fly. So we're gonna haveta ignore the movie & hope it fades away.

And speakena tape, I sure hope ABC's camera guy didn't catch me wavin at Stevie Wonder when he played at my Gala. Cause I kinda forgot the guy can't see.

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