Dubya's White House Daze -- Week 72   This Week  Last Week  Archives  Main  Home

June 3, 2002

Dear Diary -- I've been back from Europe fer almost a week & I'm still jet-lagged. Of course it's all Jebby's fault! He made me get up early my 1st day back & help him out with some enviro nonsense on accounta his reelection's in trouble. I didn't wanna, but he says I owe him big time! He sure is milking the Florida ballot thing!

Karen said helpin Jeb's a good idea anyway, cause token stuff like that'll shut my enviro enemies up. So it's killin two birds with one stone, which I always like ta do. Thou I'd rather use a gun -- hahaha!

Speakina guns, I wouldn't mind shootin off a few rounds right this minute -- maybe it'd help my mood. Cause the lista things I'm steamed bout gets longer every day. Fer thing, I just found out Powell's got a higher job approval ratin than me. How the hell did that happen?

Plus I'm still mad about the problems gettin my message through Saturday ta the people runnin in that breast cancer charity race. I had ta do the whole thing twice & I hate do-overs. Plus the press guys heard me swear when I found out the transmission didn't work. Thank God I said "God dang-it" & not what I usually say.

And that's not all. I hear everyone's makin fun a me just cause I asked the guy in charge a Brazil if he had blacks too. How was I supposeta know Brazil's jam-packed with African-Americans?

But at least my West Point speech went real good. Especially the part where I said that if I so much as think that it's maybe possible that someone in some country is maybe thinkin bout maybe some day doin somethin or other ta the USA, I'm doin it ta them 1st.

June 5, 2002

Dear Diary -- Great news! Karen isn't leavin after all. Okay, she's leavin, in that she's movin back ta Austin. And who can blame her? I'd do all my Presidentin from the ranch, if I could get away with it.

But what I mean is she isn't really leavin me. She's gonna be runnin my new Happy News Bureau. So she'll be doin all sortsa stuff ta boost my numbers, like convincin people the war on terror is goin real good. And that they're much better off now than they were before I took office.

Karen's the one person I know who can pull that job off. Cause that woman can talk anyone inta anything. Hell, she almost had me convinced that I never met Ken Lay!

Karen also promised ta help me with other stuff in between tellin people how fantastic things are. Fer instance, she said that whenever the policy wonk guys confuse me, I can just call her up & she'll tell me my decision.

Anyway, I guess this means Karen really liked me singin Hey Hughes & Five Foot Ten, even though she refuses ta admit it.

June 7, 2002

Dear Diary -- We didn't know what the hell else ta do, so we decided ta reorganize. Of course nobody has any idea if it'll work. But it sure gave me a great excuse ta make a prime time speech & knock that whistleblowin bitch off Page 1.

Andy thinks that turf wars are gonna make the reorg real tuff ta pull of, & he's probably right. But I figure it's a win fer me anyhow. Cause if there's another attack before the reorg happens, I'll just blame the usual suspects -- Congress & the bureaucrats.

And speakina Andy, I think he's lost his mind. He talked outta school ta some Esquire reporter bout Karen's goin back ta Austin, & said some real crazy things. Fer instance, he said how unbalanced things'll be without her here, & that I'm in denial bout her departure. And that with her gone, things'll go wrong & he'll be blamed. Why the hell is he so paranoid? If he doesn't watch out, I'll ship him ta Austin.

I'm goin ta Iowa today fer some pork event -- the eatin kind, not the Congress kind. Then I'm off ta Camp David fer the weekend. It'd be a whole lot more fun without Mubarak.

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