Dubya's White House Daze -- Week 61   This Week  Last Week  Archives  Main  Home

March 18, 2002

Dear Diary -- I can't believe what's goin on between Daschle & Lott -- they're fightin like cats & dogs. Which is kinda an insult ta birthday girl Spotty come ta think on it. But I guess she won't mind, cause she turned 13 yesterday & enjoyed her party.

Gettin back ta the fight, Lott's mad on accounta the Pickering nomination. So he's punishin Daschle by blockin a FCC nominee, plus he's holdin up cash fer some Judiciary Committee investigation. And now Daschle's threatenin ta get back at him with a subpoena on Ridge. Not over my dead body is that guy testifyin! And if things get much worse, I may have ta bring Zinni back from Israel ta mediate.

Which reminds me -- I invited Saudi Prince Abdullah to visit me at the ranch, & he said yes. Boy is Jiang Zemin gonna be jealous!

Dick, who did the actual invitin when he was runnin around the Mideast, says Abdullah hesitated at first. But he finally agreed ta come, once Dick promised we won't make him hear Ashy sing.

March 20, 2002

Dear Diary -- Bad news from Dick -- It turns out that tradin Israel fer Iraq is tuffer than we thought. Not that I'm worried. Cause when Prince Abdullah visits the ranch, Condy'll dance with him, I'll charm the pants off him, and everything'll be fabulous.

Which is more than I can say about catchin bin Laden. Cause it's never happenin. Plus some bin Laden relative crawled outta a cave long enuff ta tell some reporter the evil one's still alive. Of course he also claims the guy isn't evil.

Talk about bad timin! I almost had people convinced that gettin bin Laden isn't important. And that I never called it my number 1 priority.

But now reporters will keep on houndin me bout why we still haven't caught the ultimate parasite. I guess I'd better rehearse the "bin Laden doesn't matter speech" Karl made me memorize: "I don't know where he is. I don't care where he is. I never think about him. And he isn't important."

Sayin that with a straight face is really tuff. Even fer me.

March 22, 2002

Dear Diary -- I took a break from fund raisin ta do some Latino travel. I really wanted ta cancel, cause it's kinda scary south a the border, especially in Peru's bean city. But they said I've gotta live up ta my macho image. So I told the media types that no two-bit terrorist's gonna stop me from goin. And that includes Castro!

When I get back, I guess I'll have ta bite the bullet & sign that damn campaign finance bill. Though I sure could thinka better things ta do with that bullet. Like maybe aim it at John Kerry!

Of course, lotsa folks are PO'd cause they say I shoulda used my political capital ta prevent the bill from passin. Who are they ta tell me what I should waste my capital on? Anyway, there won't be anything left a that law once Ken Starr's done attackin it.

Which reminds me, I'm real disappointed by Ray's Whitewash Report. Sayin they found lotsa fishy stuff, but nothin they could prove, isn't exactly a satisfyin finish. Too bad! Cause watchin a double Clinton indictment woulda been lotsa fun. Oh well... At least certain people in the House aren't through with the Clintons yet.

And speakin bout the House, the Appropriations Committee's been giving Mitch Daniels a real ruff time. They even threatened ta cut off money if Ridge doesn't testify. Plus they claim my Executive Branch has a "severe attitude problem." Well I don't like their attitude either. So there!

Even some supposed Republicans are makin waves, especially that irritatin Istook. That fella better not need any reelection help! And what the heck kinda name is Istook?

Mitch was on his best behavior & said we acknowedge their constitutional role. Like I've gotta choice! Of course my shadow government will soon be taking care of all that.

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