Dubya's Early White House Daze -- Week 26   This Week  Last Week  Archives  Main  Home

July 16, 2001

Dear Diary -- There's a whole lotta upheavin in the House on accounta last Thursday's campaign finance reform funny business. I don't really understand what happened. But Dick says don't worry -- nobody else does neither. The only thing I know is McCain the Pain is involved even tho I'm pretty sure he works for the Senate.

Hissy-fit Hastert is blamin the whole mess on me. He says if I'd threatened a veto like he asked, he wouldnta hadda do whatever it is he did to squash the bill. But like I told him, Karen won't let me threaten a veto cause it'd hurt me in the polls. And I gotta listen to her! Cause like she keeps remindin everybody, she was right bout my numbers tankin if I threatened a patients rights veto. She even warned Karl that bad-mouthin lawyers -- fun tho it is -- wouldn't save me in the polls.

And damn it, she was right! But if she says I told you so one more time, Karl will probably deck her. Tho I'll bet she could take him easy at kick boxin.

Gotta go now and do a buncha deep thinkin bout stem cells. Maybe I'll do some sit-ups at the same time.

July 17, 2001

Dear Diary -- I thought the theme of the week was gonna be my 2nd Europe trip. But instead it's energy. Ari says this'll keep the liberal media busy arguin bout whether or not we invented the energy crisis. And whether Dick's taxin his ticker too much runnin round & spoutin off on oil. Then maybe they won't notice me mispronouncin names and misreadin more souls.

Which reminds me -- the Russia/China friendship treaty's got me real PO'd. Just what I need is more countries gangin up on me! I take back all the nice stuff I said bout Putin & his red-eyed soul. I'm gonna be seein him in Italy & this time I'm not bein friendly.

But I'm kinda lookin forward to this trip now that I've got one under my belt. And I can't wait to meet the Pope & Queen Liz!

No time for anymore writin -- I haveta practice my Popial etiquette.

July 18, 2001

Dear Diary -- Damn that IRS! We had a nice tax rebate PR thing goin and they hadda go & mess it up. They sent a whole lotta people letters promisin too much money on accounta some computer glitch. So now they gotta send em a "never mind" letter and rile em all up. What a disaster! But like Rummy says, at least those guys aren't in charge of missle tests.

I'm takin off soon for Europe & I'm real psyched! My World Bank speech has got those nasty demon strators on the ropes & set me up for a great visit! (Note to self: Don't forget to remind everyone that the Cold War's over!)

London's my first stop & this time they're lettin me get a good night's sleep before makin me meet anyone. They said it's safer that way.

I sure hope the hotel's got a gym!

July 19, 2001

Dear Diary -- Here we are in England & Laura's real excited bout shoppin & gettin to meet the people. So far it's ok except they warned us bout the food and they were right! These Brits don't even know how to make a proper jelly sandwich!

I was hopin to have a relaxed breakfast, but I haveta take another look at those cards Ari wrote for me. They're a buncha answers that can fit just bout anything I might be asked. So I'm supposed to memorize em all & try to pick the best one for each question. But Ari says don't worry if I don't know which is best. They're all kinda mix & match & none of em will get me into trouble.

The problem is I keep forgettin em. Maybe if I write em down here it will help. Okay, here goes:

• We had a very good meetin and we shared ideas and agreed to consult with each other. (One of my favorites.)

• I am standin firm on Kyoto and missile defense. (Makes me feel kinda like John Wayne.)

• Russia is not our enemy and the Cold War is over. (People always look annoyed when I say that, but Ari says to ignore em.)

• We should not adhere to a treaty that prevents freedom-lovin people from developin defenses. (Kinda long. Ask Ari to shorten.)

• We believe we all should work together to reduce greenhouse gases. However the Kyoto protocol is not the proper way to proceed. (Even worse too long than the other one.)

• We share the same goals but the methodology needs to be assessed. (Ask Laura what assessed means.)

• The US stands ready to help. (One of my favorites -- already use it all the time.)

• It's amazing! (So is that line!)

• We had a very interesting discussion. (Will be using that one a lot!)

They're ready for me, so studyin time is over. Today I'm eatin with Queen & visitin Checkers. I must remember to ask Tony if it was named after Nixon's pooch.

July 20, 2001

Dear Diary -- I spoke at some museum yesterday & they kept botherin me bout Ratfink Daschle & the mean things he said bout me in USAToday. I wanted to say what I really think of that damn Dem punk, but they made me take the big road. I hate doin that!

But I explained how important bein bypartisan is & that I represent American interests. I also told em bout friendship renewin, & what a good listener I am, & how plain & openlike I speak. Mostly tho I used Ari's answer list. I'm so glad I copied it into yesterday's diary -- it came in real handy!

Except Laura told me I've been usin amazin too much, so insteada sayin London's amazin, I said it's spectacular & beautiful. Laura promised to teach me more adverbs tomorrow.

I almost forgot my favorite part -- I did a whole big flattery thing, sayin how much I like Churchill & his bust fer standin on principal. Karen says if you talk bout admirin leaders fer standin on principal, you can make people think you do too.

Later on me & Tony talked bout dialogues & consultin & we agreed that values are valuable. We also had frank discussions & made a special agreement to keep our special relationship special.

Ater that we had a press conference where I pointed out that I'm plenty capable of conducting foreign policy. I also adlipped another toothpaste joke, but I don't think Tony got it.

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