Dubya's White House Daze -- Week 73-75   This Week  Last Week  Archives  Main  Home

June 10, 2002

Dear Diary -- That louse Lieberman has some hellofa nerve. The braggart's runnin around takin credit fer my new security plan, just cause it's pretty much the same as the one he came up with last year. And cause Ridge called him up last week ta chew the fat fer a few hours. Pure coincidence -- hahaha!

Anyway, Karl said I had ta seize the initiative with a big time announcement in a hurry. But Ridge & Co weren't comin up with anything worth announcin. So we figured why not seize Lieberman's plan.

The best part is how I get ta make it look like Congress is fallin down on its duty ta protect the American people if they don't pass it right away. The other best part is that the Dems are gonna be so busy dealin with this, they won't have any time ta make noise bout investigatin 9/11 screwups & all of Dick's messes. Or pass any vote-gettin crap like raisin minimum wage. That Karl's almost as smart as he thinks he is.

Speakina Dick's messes, that annoyin Giulianni's been butterin me up lately, probably cause he's anglin ta be my VP in 2004. Well, it's not happenin, even if worse comes ta worser & I'm forced ta dump Dick.

Course, lotsa folks think I should nominate Giulianni fer Secretary a Homeland Security, & I haveta admit the job's right up his alley. Not that I want ta appoint him -- he's way too pushy. On the other hand, it'd be kinda fun ta sic him on Congress whenever they pester me fer info bout security. He'd drive those meddlers mad!

June 13, 2002

Dear Diary -- I've been havin a great time sayin Congress better hurry up & pass my Homeland Security legislation, or else! Course I leave out the part bout my legislation not bein written yet.

The folks up on the Hill were kinda surprised when they found out we won't have anything ta show em fer weeks. Fer some reason, they figured that if I announced I had a plan, I actually had a plan.

Those guys sure are so ... uh ... What's that great word Ari taught me the other day? Oh yeah -- gullible. They're almost as gullible as anyone who thinks I'll actually read whatever Ridge & the lawyer types get around ta writin.

Which reminds me -- the other day some reporter asked Ari if I read the 268-page global warmin report. The one I said I read, that was put out by the bureaucracy while Christie was busy gettin her hair done.

Yeah ... right. I'm really gonna read anything longer than a paragraph. As if!

I've gotta go now and congratulate Dick on our gazillion-dollar fund-raisin record & ask him bout borrowin that Segway bike he's been usin ta get all healthy & buff. Yeah, like that'll ever happen.

Also, maybe he knows when I'm gonna get ta launch my first preemptive strike. I can't wait!

June 17, 2002

Dear Diary -- I just heard a real funny story. Poor ol Al Gore got searched twice while travelein between DC & Wisconsin. Say, I wonder if they found that missin lockbox.

Actually, searchin Gore makes a lotta sense. Cause if Gore was President, al Qaeda'd be runnin America by now. Which reminds me -- there's great news on the al Qaeda front. We drove em outta Afghanistan, & now they're operatin all over the place. Which means I get ta expand my Evil Axis any time I need ta.

More good news: My Ohio State speech was supposta be hit by demonstrations, but we squashed em big time. There's nothin like bein threatened with expulsion ta get a whimpy would-be graduate ta tow the line. Pootie-Poot sure could learn a thing or two from me bout keepin the peace!

Which reminds me -- Goodbye & good riddance ta the ABM treaty, which is finally finito. Except fer that damn Dem lawsuit claimin I acted unconstitutional when I pulled the plug. As if I'd let a little thing like the Constitution stand in my way!

And speakina lawsuits, what the hell's wrong with that batty Bob Barr? He supposta be helpin me crack down on lawyers by cappin pain & sufferin damage awards at $250,000. So there he is doin the cause proud, attackin frivolous lawsuits, when what happens? News breaks that he's sued Clinton, Carville & Flynt fer $30 million fer ruinin his reputation & hurtin his feelins. Since when did Barr have a reputation?

June 19, 2002

Dear Diary -- I was all psyched ta announce my Mideast peace plan yesterday, but I was forced ta postpone it. I hate when terrorists mess with my schedule!

At least I talked this week bout wantin minorities ta own their own homes. Cause like I explained, when ya have a home, ya have neighbors ta love & ta love ya back. Also, havin a home helps ya feel more secure. And gettin the Hispanic vote makes me feel more secure. Anyway, thank heavens nobody pinned me down on fundin.

Speakina security, a buncha Senate & House folk made a stink on accounta me not deliverin my security plan when I announced it. So Andy, Tom & the lawyer-types worked round the clock ta get it done. I wanted ta send over the kinda outline thing I usually send, and let the Hill people do the grunt work. But they said if I wanted a bill passed this year, they needed lotsa detail -- wonky Clinton-Gore type stuff.

I still prefer my version:
    1. Form new dept.
    2. Establish new Cabinet post.
    3. Shove everything connected with security inta the new dept., except whatever Ashy holds hostage.

Dear Diary -- What a terrific week it's turned inta! I raised a ton a money fer the GOP. And I gave lotsa speeches inspired by great minds I never hearda.

The only bad part was when a plane almost hit the White House. We're pretty sure the pilot isn't a terrorist, so I guess he just has a real bad sensa direction.

Talk about a terrible pilot! He's almost as confused as Jeb, who accidentally endorsed Reno fer governor. He was givin a speech ta a buncha high school girls & said it's about time a woman became Florida governor. I bet that's the last time he pretends ta be a feminist. And Jeb's supposed to be the "smart" one in the family. Hah!

Anyway, I was especially happy with Wednesday's fundraiser. Those drug companies sure know how ta throw a bash! They're almost as good at partyin, as they are at writin prescription drug laws.

Plus this week I got ta push 2 a my favorite things -- volunteerin & physical fitness. And runnin a fitness fair right on the South Lawn was a hellofa idea. Like Karl says, if I preach exercise & eatin good, nobody'll notice what we're doin ta the air.

I've gotta go now & ask Dick what we should do bout Powell. Cause I hear Colin's all in a tizzy over the Homeland Security law & losin his visa power. They say he might even be mad enuff ta quit. But I think they're exaggeratin the problem. Why on earth would Colin quit over a charge account?

June 24, 2002

Dear Diary -- Some al Qaeda guy's claimin bin Laden's still alive. Damn! Pootie-Poot was right -- smokin out the Evil One is a whole lot harder than I thought. Thank heavens everyone's forgot it useta be my numero uno goal.

I never thought simply denyin it was ever my goal would work. But then I never thought sayin my trifecta/deficits line dates back ta my campaign would work either. But Karl's right, as usual. The Big Lie always works. Or is it the Big Lay? Hahaha!

Which reminds me, I've got ta remember ta keep sayin my security plan will save gobsa money. Fat chance! The main thing it'll do is keep the Dems so busy fer the next few months they won't have time ta work on anything that'll get em reelected.

Junel 26, 2002

Dear Diary -- It's Wednesday already & I'm still sore from Saturday's race. Not that I'm surprised. Cause like I'm always remindin my reeeeeeeeeeel old pal Chirac, that's what happens when you're over 55.

Course I'd never admit ta bein sore, cause I've gotta maintain my macho Texan image. The Leader a the Free World has ta be fit as a fiddle. Which reminds me -- I have ta yell at Laura. She was supposed ta pack my personals fer the trip ta Canada. And damned if the woman fergot ta pack my pilly.

Speakina Canada, the only good parta goin there is the jet lag isn't bad. I'm in no mood ta be surrounded by a buncha cowards, especially back-stabbin Tony Blair. I was sure he'd back me on dumpin Arafat. But instead, he's goin along with the resta the Euroweenies. He actually said the Palestinians had the right ta elect their own leaders. Amazin! The guy still believes in democracy! Bet he won't like it half so much when he loses his next election.

And Chretien also has got me steamed. Some news guy asked him if he thought my Mideast speech would divert attention from the Africa summmit focus. So what does he say? "No -- because I'm the chairman." Well I've got news fer ya Buddy -- You may be Chairman, but I'm President.

June 27, 2002

Note from Mad Kane: Dubya's feeling lazy today. But someone else has been making a lot of noise.

June 28, 2002

Dear Diary -- Damn those judges! How dare they mess with my Pledge of Allegiance! Everyone with a workin brain knows all our rights come straight from God. And I'm not talkin bout Zeus neither.

Karl says we can use this ta get the public behind my push ta confirm upstandin GOP judges. I just hope no one notices that the guy who wrote the opinion was appointed by Nixon.

Oh well -- at least the judges in that school voucher case made a commonsensical decision. And speakina common sense, there wasn't a whole lotta it floatin aroun that God-awful G8 summit. I'm so glad ta be outta there. Besides everything else, I hate that they gave Chirac the power seat. It shouldn't go by seniority -- it should go by power!

All those Euro-wimps are still actin namby-pamby bout the Arafat thing. Fer a while I thought Chirac'd come over ta the right side, but he's still buyin inta that Palestinian democracy nonsense. As fer Blair, he keeps blarin all kinda crapola bout the West not wantin ta interfere with Palestine elections. Wanna bet? I liked him a whole lot better when he was actin like my poodle.

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