The Ballad Of Joementum Joe Lieberman (To be sung to the tune of Danny Boy)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Joementum Joe, you've long outstayed your welcome.
You've let us down, it's time to pay the price.
You've been disloyal to voters and your party.
You're way too close to Rummy, Bush, and Rice.
Don't want you back, your war support is damning.
You've dealt democracy so many blows.
You could have blocked Alito, but you failed to.
Joementum Joe, Joementum Joe, it's time to go.
You oft behave as if your word's the gospel.
And show disdain for Dems who disagree.
You've helped Bush/Cheney harm our Constitution.
Your words and actions aid the GOP.
To be Dub's pal became your grand fixation.
Your acts betrayed Dem values we hold dear.
You cast aside the virtues of our nation.
Joementum Joe, it's time to end your Sen. career.
In honor of today's first offbeat item, today's snarkery shall be in French ... to the extent I can remember my high school French. (Here's Alta Vista's Babel Fish Translation page, just in case my meaning isn't sufficiently obvious.)
You'd think that with all the disasters overtaking the world, Condi Rice would be far too busy to play Brahms or Shostakovich at a piano recital (and to do all the practicing essential to ensure a respectable performance.) But apparently Condi has some time on her hands:
Hey Condi, When They Asked You To Be A Hands-On Secretary of State, This Isn't What They Meant By Madeleine Begun Kane
Like Rice, I'm a well trained musician.
But if I were in Condi's position,
I wouldn't think it vital
To play a recital,
When working t'wards peace was my mission.
When diplomacy's needed, Bush gropes. With his veto, he murders our hopes.
But there's one thing he's mastered:
It's causing disasters
So huge, we can't measure their scope.
So sorry for my long silence! A family medical emergency (my father's hospitalization) has kept me from posting and out of the news loop. But here's some non-political humor about giving a speech, which you might enjoy. (I wrote it after my first serious foray in public speaking -- a speech on humor in the workplace, which I gave several years ago at Cornell Law School.)
How To Give A Speech By Madeleine Begun Kane
In a moment of weakness you agreed to give a speech. What are you in for? If you're lucky, it won't be any worse than this:
1. Receive invitation to speak because of your expertise in tapestry, arachnids, the World Wide Web. Succumb to flattery and say yes.
2. Spend the next week scheming to extricate yourself from your commitment. Suffer from nightmares featuring you, your microphone, and three angry apes.
3. Rehearse potential excuses. Try to talk your spouse into phoning your regrets. Wonder if your doctor would give you a note diagnosing laryngitis of indeterminate duration.
4. Decide you should really give speech because it will enhance your reputation, be educational, build character. And because it's too late to pull your name from the publicity.
5. Talk about writing speech. Read about writing speech. Obsess about writing speech. Notice an entire month has passed and you haven't started writing speech.
6. Sit down in front of computer and stare at screen. Vow to start writing this very minute and not leave room until you've finished first draft. Leave room to fetch snacks... ("How To Give A Speech" is continued here.)
For Ann, facts are pests that intrude,
And we've learned she's a plagiaristtoo. Though an arrogant liar,
The media buys her,
A "pundit" who's clearly unglued.
It's Tuesday, which means it's time for me to name this week's Blogger-Verse Blogger of the Week. And the winner is Norm Jenson Of OneGoodMove. Here's the personal limerick I've written in his honor:
Ode to Norm Jenson of OneGoodMove By Madeleine Begun Kane
The OneGoodMove blogger named Norm
Religiously posts and informs.
His video files
Of Jon Stewart are wild,
And with laughter my mood he transforms.
The Supremes slapped George Dubya quite hard,
Saying George, you ain't Czar, King, or God.
Though our nation's at war,
You can't break the law,
So stop riding o'er Congress roughshod.
Peter King and his ilk defy reason
When they call the Times "guilty of treason." They'd imprison some press
And they'd stifle the rest,
Cause the truth for such men has no season.
The GOP onslaught against the New York Times illustrates this truism: When people feel threatened, they attack. And recent attempts to paint Kos as some sort of lefty blog MafiaDon provide yet another example. Such anti-Kos accusations are downright silly.
From the Times we know Bush likes to sift
Through our bank records managed by SWIFT.
Court subpoenas? Ho! Ho!
Any safeguards? Heck, no!
Yet again, precious privacy's stiffed.
Last Tuesday I launched my Blogger-Verse Blogger of the Week feature and named Skippy my first Blogger of the Week. As I said back then,
every week I'll pick a deserving blogger and write him or her a personal Blogger-Verse. Well, I'm pleased to announce this week's winner -- Avedon Carol. Here's the personal limerick I've written in her honor:
Ode To Avedon By Madeleine Begun Kane
Ms. Avedon's in the UK,
But she hails from the US of A.
Sev'ral time zones ahead,
When she posts, I'm in bed,
And she always has great stuff to say.
New Yawkers Are Polite ... So There! By Madeleine Begun Kane
New Yorkers are very polite,
Says this study, and damn it, they're right!
We're kind and we're sweet,
And our help can't be beat.
Don't believe me? You're in for a fight.
Needless to say, Mayor Bloomberg's delighted by this poll and eager to use it to attract more tourists. So I thought I'd help out by writing him a new tourism slogan --
Come Visit The Big Apple:
There's nothing worth seeing, but we're really polite.
And that reminds me of the latest Bush excuse for slashing New York's DHS anti-terrorism grant: Bush was kept in the dark about the DHS grant allocations. Isn't it funny how Bush is always out of the loop, when he's looking to evade responsibility for one of his countless lame-brained decisions?
Dub's Shriveling Coalition By Madeleine Begun Kane
George Dubya's Iraq coalition
Is suff'ring from major attrition.
Now Japan will withdraw
From this venture so flawed,
While Bush clings to his pricey, failed mission.
Today I'm launching my Blogger-Verse Blogger of the Week feature. Every week I'll pick a deserving blogger and write him or her a personal Blogger-Verse. And in the words of my first Blogger-Verse winner, yes, I coined that phrase!
A west coast based blogger named Skippy
Is quite funny and snide, but not snippy.
He mocks liars on cue,
And he loves kangaroos.
I suspect that he once was a hippy.
Reid ain't a deep thinker, says Specter,
The GOP's brain wave detector.
I'll take Reid any day.
Arlen's feet are of clay:
His resolve is no more than a spectre.
I've been trying to figure out why the mainstream media keeps letting Ann Coulter get away with verbal murder, and I have a theory that involves an odd form of sexism. Or is it reverse sexism?
Ann's Master Plan By Madeleine Begun Kane
A right-wingnut woman named Ann
Had a book tour publicity plan:
She would spew on TV
Lies and venom with glee,
And they'd let her, cause Ann ain't a man.
There once was a Senator Specter,
Who was briefly a Cheney defector.
For a sec he was brave,
But he speedily caved, Having drunk Cheney's Kool-Aid laced nectar.
I'm Glad He's Dead, But... By Madeleine Begun Kane
Zarqawi is dead, which is great,
But I still must George Dubya berate,
Cause he passed up some ops, To kill him full stop,
Causing thousands to lose kids and mates.
In a series of recent posts, the TalkingPointsMemo has done a great job dissecting John Solomon's misleading AP articles on Senator Reid. Unfortunately, John Solomon isn't the only thing wrong with the AP: Check out Andrew Taylor's Democrats-are-crazed-liberals piece. Or you could spare yourself the anguish of reading it, and just sing my "Mad Kane Reads The AP, So You Don't Have To."
Mad Kane Reads The AP, So You Don't Have To (Sing to Frère Jacques)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dems are lib'rals.
Scary lib'rals.
Must be stopped.
Must be stopped.
Voting Dem will hurt you,
Surely will subvert you.
GOP
Keeps you free.
Dems are lib'rals.
Scary lib'rals.
Vote them down.
Vote them down.
Dems will raise your taxes.
They're the evil axis.
Dems will screech,
And impeach.
Dems are lib-finks,
Fond of red ink.
Dems are odd.
They hate God.
Dems can't handle power.
Things will go real sour.
Dems will sin,
If they win.
Dems are lib'rals.
Scary lib'rals.
Dems eat brie,
Drink chablis.
Lib'ral-run committees,
Dems love inner cities.
GOP
Keeps you free.
I'm late on this, but I just can't resist writing a Bush dynasty limerick:
Jeb For Prez? By Madeleine Begun Kane
George Dubya wants Jebby to win
The White House, Dub says with a grin.
A third Prez named Bush?
What a pain in the tush!
But at least he ain't touting the twins.
Tomorrow (June 4th) my wonderful husband Mark and I are celebrating our 28th wedding anniversary. Happy anniversary, Mark!
Wedding Anniversary Limerick By Madeleine Begun Kane
I once met a man on a train.
He goes by the name Mark G. Kane.
It's been twenty-eight years
Since we married, so Cheers!
I'm so happy I didn't take a plane.
Are Bill and Hill still having sex?
By that question, the Times seems perplexed.
Major issues don't matter.
No substance, just chatter,
In Dems-smearing Times tabloid text.
Ode To Kenny Boy (To be sung to the tune of "Danny Boy") "Oh Kenny Boy, the jails, the jails are calling,
From state to state, and through the world so wide.
The money's gone, and all the chips are falling,
'Tis you, 'tis you must go and you must hide..."
Frist And Hastert Rediscover The Constitution By Madeleine Begun Kane
The Exec branch is free to break laws,
And the rights of the public ignore.
But to mess with a Rep.
Is a terrible step,
Say Frist/Hastert, dissemblers hardcore.
Rep. Jefferson seems to have stashed
90 grand in his freezer - cold cash.
The FBI nailed him.
The Feds want to jail him.
But at least they didn't catch him with hash.
Guys, anybody who isn't happy, please leave this blog and don't come back. I'm serious. Get out...
Sorry John, but feminist issues are just as important as gay issues and all the other issues you raise in your otherwise fine blog. And insulting women and telling women (and the many men who agree with them) to "get out," weakens you as a spokesperson for the progressive causes you do deign to support:
Big Boys Cry Uncle When Wrong By Madeleine Begun Kane
If someone used "gay" to mean coward,
Aravosis would rightfully glower.
But he claims it's okay
To use "big girl" that way.
And gals shouldn't feel disempowered?
Update: Well that sure didn't take long: I posted my limerick in John's comments, and it vanished in well under an hour. Plus, John's entire "big girl" post seems to have dematerialized. No doubt it's some sort of blogger malfunction. Cause John surely wouldn't attempt something as ... uh ... cowardly as a cover up.
And speaking of John, some brilliant spoofer has just launched AravosisBlog. And now that John has given me more than good cause to de-link AmericaBlog, I have room for AravosisBlog on my blogroll. How deliciously serendipitous!
Update 2: And a cowardly cover up it was! After seaching AmericaBlog I discovered that John changed the link to his offensive post, in an effort to hamper blog discourse. I've updated my link which should now work ... unless and until John deliberately breaks it again.
I've no problem with blogs hosting ads.
But some of those ads make me sad.
Would-be Net slayers
Are rather good payers.
But helping their cause is quite mad.
A day that's unique, like no other,
Is the day that we celebrate mothers.
Of course fathers are great,
And our siblings sure rate.
But who could compete with a mother?
Perhaps I'm out of line, but I think that when you get behind the wheel of a gazillion pound motorized vehicle, turn the ignition key, get into gear, hit the gas, and begin to move, you should maybe ... I don't know ... PAY ATTENTION.
This approach has many advantages. For example, if you carefully observe your fellow drivers, you can:
a: Pick up lipstick application tips from the woman going 65;
b: Place bets on how far into your lane the guy next to you will swerve while switching CD's;
c: Ascertain whether the stuff that fellow is trying to dab off his horn, tie, and suit is ketchup or mayo and learn high-speed stain removal techniques;
d. Cancel your newspaper subscription and read the one propped up on some news hound's steering wheel; and
e: Eavesdrop on fascinating conversations. ("I'm calling from my car. Cool, huh?") Bonus Benefit: You'll know whose cell phone to borrow when its owner crashes into you.
Please somebody tell me: What are these people thinking?
I know that we all lead pressured lives. And that people are so busy, they're forced to eat, apply make-up, shave, read, return phone calls, and relieve themselves on the run. Being a compulsive multitasker myself, I'm very sympathetic ... to a point. For instance, I'm not suggesting that breathalyzers be enhanced to test for freshly applied eye shadow and just ingested Big Macs. Hmmm, not a bad idea, come to think of it.
But if you're so pressed for time that extra-car-icular activities are a must, couldn't you please, as a personal favor, do them at red lights or while stalled in traffic jams? And don't tell me you don't have red lights and traffic jams in your neighborhood. Actually do tell me and give me your address ... so I can move there.
The scary part is that things are going to get even worse as Internet-enabled cars become common. Now I have nothing against the Internet. I earn my living ... such as it is ... on the Net. I even suffer from Web withdrawal when I'm away from it for substantial periods like ... um ... 17 seconds.
So I can think of nothing better to occupy my car-bound time than surfing the Net ... assuming I'm not the one at the wheel.
But I don't want to share the road with a fellow who's hard drive just crashed or who just accidentally mass emailed a painfully personal note. I also don't want the driver in the next lane to be busy bowling elves.
Nor do I want to be near any driver who's downloading porn, cursing out a fatal Windows error, or instructing his car computer to tell his home computer to tell his thermostat, fridge, and oven what to do.
Not that I'm against all car gadgetry. In fact, I'm eagerly awaiting the invention of the DDDD -- "Distracted Driver Detection Device." What will a DDDD do? Warn me when I'm near anybody who'd use a gizmo like that, so I can get the heck out of his way.
Since I seem to be off topic from politics today, here's my new song parody about search engine marketing and optimization, which webmasters and advertising folks might enjoy. (Which reminds me, thanks so much to the excellent Adrants for giving it a nice mention.)
Ode To The Signing Statement By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dub's never once vetoed a bill,
Though he's threatened to, sounding quite shrill.
At long last we know why:
His stealth statements defy
All the bills he dislikes from the Hill.
Gen'ral Powell came out of his stupor,
To critique Rummy's war-running bloopers.
I just wish he spoke out
While he still had some clout.
But alas, Powell's timing ain't super.
George Bush and his GOP cronies
Broke FEMA, it's true, no baloney.
Says the Senate, replace it.
The next time we'll ace it.
Methinks that their scheme's rather phoney.
My latest song parody is The White House Shakeup Song, sung to the tune of Good King Wenceslas. And if simply reading it isn't enough for you, you can listen to me sing it right here.
The White House Shakeup Song (Sing to Good King Wenceslas)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Bolten's cleaning house they claim.
He needs staffers brainy.
Upward polls are Bolten's aim.
Why not start with Cheney?
Many think that Don must go.
Rumsfeld's quite abysmal.
Dubya answers no, no, no.
Bush is just as dismal.
Miers may just lose her job.
Nearly was "Her Honor."
Andrew Card worked way too hard.
Now he's just a goner.
Selling our economy.
That's what Snow was there for.
Folks know we're near bankruptcy.
Josh will kick him out the door.
Don't forget Dub's spokesman Scott.
Liar quite transparent.
White House press guy now he's not.
How 'bout one coherent?
Rove lost power, so they say.
What disinformation!
Politics is Karl Rove's game.
That's what runs our nation.
George Bush Has Been Urged To Clean House By Madeleine Begun Kane
George Bush has been urged to clean house,
By his GOP pals and his spouse.
But the changes he makes
Can't repair his mistakes,
Cause the man in the Oval's a louse.
The Fellow Who Ran OMB By Madeleine Begun Kane
The fellow who ran OMB
Helped balloon Fed'ral debt with much glee.
It defies all belief
That he's Dubya's new Chief.
But he's loyal to George Bush, and that's key.
Daniel Henninger's latest Opinion Journal column's a doozy. It seems poor Dan's offended by the language used on blogs, citing as examples MySpace, the Huffington Post, and the Daily Kos. Putting aside the odd juxtaposition of My Space with Huffington and Kos, did you notice anything missing in that list? You guessed it -- apparently poor old Dan couldn't find any offensive language in right-wing blogs. What a surprise!
Daniel Thinks Left Blogs Are Coarse By Madeleine Begun Kane
Daniel thinks left blogs are coarse,
So he mutters atop his high horse.
Methinks that he's scared
Of opinions we air,
And he finds them a threatening force.
Henninger Waxes Loquacious By Madeleine Begun Kane
Henninger waxes loquacious,
Claiming blogs are unduly salacious.
He lumps Kos with MySpace,
But finds no right blogs base.
Dan's hypocrisy's rather audacious.
