I live in New York City (Bayside, Queens), and much of my humor relates to New York City and State. This page will lead you to humor columns and song parodies about Wall Street, The GOP Convention in New York City, swing dancing in Manhattan, New York cabbies, driving to East Hampton, celebrity ogling, New York drivers, Long Island traffic, car alarms, tubing upstate on the Esopus River in Phoenicia, and Bill and Hillary Clinton's Chappaqua house in Westchester County, New York.
Street Metal (Limerick)
"While I drive, I espy something bright.
To avoid it, I swerve to the right. ..."
A Baysider's Ode To Queens "Both a county and a borough,
Part of New York City too.
On Long Island, yet not of it.
I'm confused as hell. Are you? ..."
Weathering New York Weather (Limerick)
"The weather outside isn’t nice,
And the walks are all covered with ice. ..."
A Lamb On The Lam "I couldn’t resist writing a limerick about the seven-month-old lamb that escaped a live-animal market in The Bronx, New York and led police on a several block chase before it was captured. ..."
Spring In New York (3 Haiku)
"Calendar says spring,
But the weather disagrees.
Hope they work it out. ..."
An Arresting Affair (Limerick)
“A gal in New York was arrested
For strolling outdoors while bare-breasted. ..."
Only In Queens, New York (Limerick)
“'Wanna ride?' says a cop on the force.
I decline, though politely, of course. ..."
New Yawkers Are Polite ... So There! "I'm a proud New Yorker, so I was pleased (and unsurprised) to read that a Reader's Digest poll ranks New York 'the most courteous major city in the world.'..."
Pondering Rudy "I live in New York City, so I’m pretty familiar with the pros and cons of Rudy Giuliani. And yes, there are pros. What pros? Well, Rudy does love opera. ..."
Ode To The Can-Do Comic, Fran Capo "Without planning to, I seem to have launched an “Entertaining New Yorkers” series of limericks. ..."
The GOP’s In For A Rudy Awakening "As a long-time New York City resident, I’m amused by Rudy Giuliani’s candidacy. As a long-time New York City resident, I’m amused by Rudy Giuliani’s candidacy. And I find it ironic that Rudy doesn’t dare brag about the one thing that might appeal to people put off by his pro-choice, pro-gay rights positions — Giuliani’s aggressive stance against free speech...."
Ode To Starbucks (Humor column about cappuccino addiction, the Starbucks revolution, and life in Bayside, Queens, New York)
False Alarm My husband Mark and I have a weekend hideaway, a respite from the pace of New York City life. Our country haven is smaller than most; it was once optimistically measured at 400 square feet. ..."
The GOP Hits New York Song Parody (to be sung to "When Johnny Comes Marching Home Again")
"The GOP bash will soon be here.
Oh, no! Oh, no!
Won't give 'em a hearty welcome cheer.
Oh, no! Oh, no..."
On Wall Street (To be sung to "On Broadway")
"They say that things are really bad on Wall Street.
They say there's much malfeasance in the air.
But I don't want to hurt my friends.
And tough laws give my pals the bends.
Then donors drop right off and I'm nowhere..."
Ode To Judy Carmichael, Stride Pianist "I live in New York City, so my husband Mark and I often catch great musical acts, plays, art shows, and other entertainment and cultural diversions in the Big Apple. ..."
Jump, Jive, & Sweat "You're gonna swing dance in this weather? Are you insane?"
I've been asked that a lot lately, which isn't surprising when you consider this summer's humidity and heat wave. New York City's weather has been so unbearable, that felons have switched from car theft to stealing AC's...
Surf The Net In A Cab? Not On Your Life! "If you don't get enough Net surfing in at home or on the job, you now can do it in some New York City cabs, thanks to a Yahoo! Inc. and Medallion Financial Corp. pilot program. This should help distract Big Apple taxi riders, who spend most of their time clutching door handles and each other, while praying they'll make it to their destinations with most of their bones intact..."
E-Mapping It Out "When my husband Mark suggested an impromptu trip to Long Island's East Hampton, I instinctively reached for a map. Then I remembered; we no longer own any maps. They were soaked beyond redemption in a flash flood that destroyed our car during our last impromptu trip. We replaced the car, but not the maps..."
Kerik Alert "George Dubya's named his nominee
To head Homeland Security.
He's Rudy's man from head to toe.
But why Bush wants him, I don't know..."
Ogling Eyes "I was ogled last night by a very handsome, classy looking, much older man. Now most women (and I'm no exception) are secretly gratified by the occasional gawker ... unless catcalls and droopy drawers are involved. (Okay, maybe not the sponsors of the Anti-Ogling Addendum to the ERA)..."
Driving By The Book "Like most people, I'd love to make it into the Guinness Book of World Records. Unfortunately, I've never come up with a category that suits my unique talents. I'm afraid "World's Least Car Savvy Car Columnist" probably wouldn't cut it..."
Traffic LIES "Dear American Highway Users Alliance: We've been gypped..."
Tubing Blues "Tubing - the masochistic act of hurtling down a fall-fraught river while clinging to an inner-tube. Somehow my husband Mark talked me, a devout wimp, into trying it..."
You Really Want A House? Okay, Here's The Drill. "President Clinton recently picked up a cordless electric drill and joked that he'd be needing one now that he's about to become a homeowner..."
Iraq, Iraq (To be sung to "New York, New York" from "On The Town")
"Iraq, Iraq, I refuse to back down.
Most hawks say yup, but some others just frown.
Hussein belongs in a hole in the ground.
Iraq, Iraq, I refuse to back down..."
The Rantings Of Trent Lott (To be sung to "The Sidewalks Of New York" by Lawlor & Blake)
"Sounding off in DC
From his Senate stoop,
In his right-wing meetings,
Lott leads a scary group..."
