I hope you enjoy my humor columns, limericks, haiku, and cartoons related to physical health and mental health:
Steeley Plan For Health Care "Life would be ever so much easier, if only RNC Chairman Michael Steele had Barack Obama’s gig. For instance, we’d be able to solve our health care problems in a nanosecond. ...”
Doc Mockery "A nervous young fellow named Phil
Asked his doc if he needed a will. ...”
Ode To Tropical Breeze Colonoscopies "It wasn’t bad enough that Sen. Jeff Sessions cited “tropical breezes” in extolling the glories of Gitmo. Now we have Sen. Jim Inhofe bragging about Gitmo’s health care — colonoscopies for inmates over fifty-five. Whoopee! ...”
Secession? Did I Say Secession? (Limerick) "For such a fan of secession, Texas Gov. Rick Perry sure is quick to ask for federal bucks. Hurricane disaster assistance? Check. Antiviral medications to combat swine flu? Check. ...”
ADD Ode (Limerick)
“Hey, doc, have I got ADD?
My attention span’s short as can be. ..."
Can’t Win An Argument On The Merits? Just Use The “Distraction” Gambit. (Limerick) “Republicans love to attack Obama’s initiatives by claiming they’re distractions from his “fix the economy” job. Apparently, if the economy continues to tank, it’s because he wasted all that time signing an executive order opening up stem cell research. ...”
De-Stress or Distress? "Are you stressed out? A quivering blob of nerves? Are your muscles lodged in a permanent clench? Here's what not to do..."
Dental Verse “I think I’m becoming unglued —
Not my mind, but a cap caught on food. ...”
“Dear Son” Letters (Limerick)
“Whenever my husband gets mail
From his mom, this is true without fail: ...”
Healthy Verse (Limerick and Haiku)
"Maladjusted men sometimes say, “Doc,
Chiropractic is naught but a crock. ..."
How To Become An Insomniac "Becoming an insomniac isn't as easy as it might appear. But with the help of these guidelines, dark circles and a cranky disposition will soon be yours..."
Dental Deal "Does the very thought of a dentist set your teeth on edge? Is pudding too challenging to chew? This contract should help mitigate your pain."
Sleepless In Bayside "My husband can catnap at will,
And my jealous reaction is shrill. ..."
SCHIP Haiku "At long last, the real reason George W. Bush vetoed SCHIP..."
Fishing For Company "I’m an insomniac and I must admit to taking a bit of solace at learning from a podcast that 'zebrafish - a common aquarium pet - can have a genetic mutation linked to sleep problems.' ..."
Obstreperous Verse "An obstreperous fellow named Joe
Picked a fight with a long-standing foe ...”
This Is A Warning "Please be careful when closing that door.
If it hits you, you’re bound to be sore. ..."
Weeding Out Crazy Lawsuits ("As a result of a neighbor’s lawsuit, a Swedish woman can no longer smoke in most of her garden. (And you thought the United States was a litigious country.) ..."
Ode To Unselfishness (Limerick)
"My husband is great—good as gold.
And there’s no one more giving, I’m told. ..."
A Biting Limerick (Limerick)
"'Ow! My tooth aches,' a man told the nurse,
Whose answer was biting and terse: ..."
Is Mental Health Overrated? (Limerick)
"There once was a drunken, loud fellow
Who ordered his drinks with a bellow. ..."
Tacky Verse (Limerick)
"These armchairs are tacky and lack
Sound support for my weary old back. ..."
Give Me A Break! (Limerick)
"The play was quite talky and lacked
Something crucial. It had but one act. ..."
Ode To Ambling (Limerick)
"Deserting my day-to-day scramble
When the weather is nice, I will amble ..."
Healthy, Or Half-Baked? (Limerick)
"My spouse likes to lie in the sun,
Absorbing those rays just for fun. ..."
Dopey Decision Explained In Verse "How dare you smoke that evil grass!
Your pain is no excuse.
The doctor who prescribed your weed,
We'll string up with a noose..."
Ode To Starbucks (Humor column about cappuccino addiction, the Starbucks revolution, and life in Bayside, Queens, New York)
Election News Alert "Health care professionals throughout the United States are bracing for a severe outbreak of National Election Withdrawal Syndrome..."
Margarine Is Good For You. Oops -- Never Mind. "It's hard to follow the news lately without reading some scientific red alert about an everyday food. Not long ago, for instance, The Center for Science in the Public Interest announced that pastries are bad for you. All I can say is: Exactly -- that's why we eat them..."
Garbage Out, Garbage In "How would you like to own a precocious trash bin? If Ohio based NCR Corp. has its way, your next garbage can will have a higher IQ than you..."
Comics' Relief: Late Night Comedians Begin Group Therapy "In the wake of the terrorist attacks on the United States, political humor has virtually disappeared, replaced by patriotic platitudes. Deprived of their customary targets, late night TV talk show hosts are at their wits' end, struggling to find a new humorous voice that entertains without offending. So it's not surprising that Jay Leno, David Letterman, Conan O'Brien, Jon Stewart, and Bill Maher have sought comic relief in group therapy. Here's the transcript of their first joint therapy session, leaked to me by someone I'll simply call Deep Doc..."
George Dubya Bush Channeler Seeks Therapy "Doctor's Notes: An unusually difficult first session. Patient was referred by Employer law firm, who has placed Patient on indefinite mental health leave. HR files furnished by Employer report erratic behavior dating back eight months, including: 1. Patient refused to address sundry judges as "Your Honor" on seven occasions, leading to..."
It Is Hereby Resolved "What is it about December 31st that spurs fantasies of self-reform? Is it too much food and drink? Seasonal exuberance? Lunacy induced by crowds?"
