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Madeleine Begun Kane,
Humor Columnist,

Madeleine Begun Kane

Bob Newhart Names Madeleine Begun Kane Winner of Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor


Welcome to the food and drink humor section of my site. I should probably start by saying that I'm a terrible cook. In fact, when I was invited to contribute a recipe to the Doctors Without Borders fundraiser blogger cookbook, I responded with this limerick:

Cook? Who? Me?
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I fear I'm a terrible cook,
And I just don't belong in this book.
I'm okay at reheating,
And decent at eating.
But my recipes all taste like gook.

But despite my culinary ineptititude, I do have some strong opinions and feelings about food and drink. I hope you enjoy my food and drink humor, light verse, and limericks by Madeleine Begun Kane:

  • Lemon Of A Crime "A Seattle Crime Report: A man walked into a KFC and hurled a round, yellow, $5.19 KFC-brand lemon cake at store employees..."

  • Elephant Dung Coffee Beans? I'll Pass
    "This brew concept’s hard to digest.
    It’s a crappy plan — far from the best..."

  • Limerick For National Rum Day
    "A gal called her husband a lout
    And threatened to highball it out ..."

  • Limerick Ode To Kale
    "“Woe is me! There’s a shortage of kale,”
    Bitter health nuts are starting to wail..."

  • Distilling The Truth
    "Don’t sulk, but the bulk of the rye
    Labeled heirloom’s a hand-crafted lie..."

  • Genius? Or Half-Baked?
    "Kindly can any concept of cake
    That you spray from a can and then bake..."

  • Would You Waste Your Bread On This?
    "Are you burning for your photo
    To appear on toasted bread?
    Do you sense that such a portrait
    Might just help you get ahead?..."

  • Yet Another Excuse To Eat Chocolate (Limerick)
    "If you want yet another excuse
    To engage in some chocolate abuse..."

  • Dining Out
    "There are rest’rants that set a good mood
    And are great at adjusting your tude. ..."

  • Limerick Ode To National Martini Day
    "The martini’s a drink for the tough,
    Cuz that cocktail is strong, sometimes rough..."

  • Limerick Doubt
    "A chef who was never in doubt,
    When challenged would glower and shout..."

  • Limerick Ode To National Corn On The Cob Day
    "It’s Corn on the Cob Day today.
    A great dish for a summer buffet..."

  • Limerick Ode To National Escargot Day
    "There are foods I won’t touch on a bet.
    They may well be quite tasty, and yet— ..."

  • Limerick Ode To National Wine Day
    "It’s Wine Day on May twenty-five.
    Don’t go guzzling your beer in some dive. ..."

  • Dining On Limericks
    "A fellow was trying to dine,
    When a teenager started to whine..."

  • Show-Off Limerick
    "A fellow was trying to show
    He was savvy, refined, in the know. ..."

  • Lush Limerick
    "A fellow who drank to excess
    Got to work in a state of undress: ..."

  • South African Pinot’s Too Pricey? Blame The Baboons. "Are you a wine aficionado? A fan of pinot noir? Apparently baboons like pinot too, which is providing quite a challenge for South African vineyard owners and winemakers. ..."

  • Half-Baked Limerick
    "There once was a baker, Lenore,
    Who’d been baking three decades or more. ..."

  • Cooking With Jazz (Queens, New York Restaurant Review in Limerick Form)

  • A Limerick Meal

  • Vintage Wisdom "Are you a Winus Ignoramus? Do wine connoisseurs make you feel insecure? I once felt the same way … until I discovered that NOBODY KNOWS ANYTHING, especially when mouthing off about wine. ..."

  • Ode To Cappuccino (Limerick)
    "When my hot cappuccino’s denied me,
    I am steamed. I must have it inside me. ..."

  • The Five-Second What??? "I guess I must have led a very sheltered existence. Why do I say that? Because I’d never heard the phrase “five-second rule” until my husband Mark used it as an excuse to eat some treat he’d just dropped on the floor. (And yes, we’re still married.) ..."

  • Multitasking Mania (Limerick and Haiku)
    "It’s risky to drive while you eat,
    Most especially pasta with meat:..."

  • Caffeinated Verse (Limerick)
    “I’ve rarely been tempted by tea,
    And coffee does nothing for me. ...”

  • Creature Of Habit (Limerick)
    "“Shall I tell you our specials today?”
    Asks the waiter, who knows what I’ll say: ..."

  • Wine and Spirits Limerick & Haiku
    "The bartender offered cheap brandy.
    'No fine cognac?' I whined—wasn’t handy. ..."

  • The Poetry Of Dating
    "The gal was enjoying her date
    Till her escort became quite irate. ..."

  • Television Nightmares "Do you want to lose weight? Then I recommend that you watch Gordon Ramsay’s new Fox show Kitchen Nightmares during dinner. As the good Gordon might (and often does) say, 'Oh my God!' ..."

  • Some Dishy Verse
    "We’re discussing our favorite dish,”
    Said the gal. “Please chime in if you wish. ..."

  • This Doesn't Pass The Smell Test "According to this odd story, a smoking ban in British pubs has managed to make British bars smell even worse. Apparently, the acrid smell of smoke is a delight compared to all the foul odors smoke used to mask: “stale food and beer, damp, sweat and body odour, drains and - how do you put this nicely - flatulence. ..."

  • Amusing Wine (Limerick)
    "When experts say wine is amusing,
    It’s a compliment. Ain’t that confusing? ..."

  • Tasty Verse (Limerick)
    "There are folks who like food rather bland,
    Where all trace of flavor’s been banned. ..."

  • Ode To Takeout -- Song Parody -- Sing To My Favorite Things
    "Baked meat lasagna and Indian curry.
    Sesame noodles. I'm famished! Please hurry!
    Buddha's Delight that is fit for a king.
    Takeout is one of my favorite things..."

  • Wine Tasting Robots, Oh My! "Would you trust a wine tasting robot? What about a robot that thinks humans taste like bacon? ..."

  • Ode To A Grudge-Holding Judge (Limerick)
    "There once was a federal judge
    Who was famous for holding a grudge. ..."

  • Where's The Beef?

  • Ode To Spinach
    "I’ve never been fond of fresh spinach,
    Or the cooked kind. That word makes my throat twitch..."

  • Temper, Temper (Limerick and Haiku)
    "A felonious fellow named Mort
    Went to jail cuz his temper was short. ..."

  • Ode To A Greedy Squirrel (Limerick)
    "A squirrel who wanted some food
    Did something I’d call rather rude: ..."

  • How To Disorganize Your Life

  • Ode To Starbucks (Humor column about cappuccino addiction, the Starbucks revolution, and life in Bayside, Queens, New York)

  • Margarine Is Good For You. Oops -- Never Mind. "It's hard to follow the news lately without reading some scientific red alert about an everyday food. Not long ago, for instance, The Center for Science in the Public Interest announced that pastries are bad for you. All I can say is: Exactly -- that's why we eat them..."

  • Hazardous House-Guests "Has your country home been converted to an inn by people you scarcely know? Can friendship withstand a weekend stay with homeowners who long to be alone..."

  • Pretzel Producers Allege Dubya Defamation, File Multibillion Buck Lawsuit "The National Association of Pretzel Producers ("NAPP") filed suit late yesterday against President Bush... NAPP's complaint, which seeks five billion dollars in compensatory and punitive damages for "pretzel product slander, pretzel product libel, and defamatory snack food disparagement," alleges that Bush and his codefendants "did willfully and maliciously and/or with reckless disregard for the truth, publish and disseminate false and/or untrue statements about the activities of one or more pretzels..."

  • Garbage Out, Garbage In "How would you like to own a precocious trash bin? If Ohio based NCR Corp. has its way, your next garbage can will have a higher IQ than you..."

  • Bracing For That Blind Date "Are you facing yet another blind date with fear and dread? Are you tempted to throttle anyone who cajoles you into going out with an allegedly attractive friend? Believe it or not, blind dates can actually be fun..."

  • Revel With A Clause (funny contract) "Your closest friends keep badgering you to join them on a trip. You're running out of excuses and may be forced to go along. Can friendship survive seven days of constant contact? Will you loathe each other by the time you return..."

  • Obligatory Post-Thanksgiving Poem
    "We visited my in-laws
    And we ate too fast.
    I fiddled on their piano,
    And we talked about the past...."

(For humor organized by subject matter, I hope you'll visit my humor sections about politics, the law, media, marriage and family, holidays, technology, feminism, money, cars, education, health, pets and animals, work, travel, my home town -- New York City, and my Humor Blog.)

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