Are you facing yet another blind date with fear and dread? Are you tempted to throttle anyone who cajoles you into going out with an allegedly attractive friend? Believe it or not, blind dates can actually be fun. All you have to do is work out a few details in advance:
AGREEMENT entered into this ____ day of ______, 20__ by two jittery people hereinafter referred to as "Male" and "Female".
WHEREAS, a mutual friend is nagging Male and Female to go out on a date;
WHEREAS, Male and Female loathe blind dates and believe that people foolish enough to go out on them deserve whatever they get;
WHEREAS, their mutual friend assures Male and Female that they both have wonderful personalities;
WHEREAS, Male and Female would rather undergo root canal than date, but it is the only way they know to get their friend off their backs; and
WHEREAS, Male and Female believe that a pre-date agreement will minimize the pain and suffering normally associated with blind dates.
NOW, THEREFORE, Male and Female hereby agree to the following blind date terms:
1. The date shall commence promptly at 8:00 P.M. on __________, 20__ (with a fifteen minute grace period) and shall continue until midnight. The termination time may be extended only if both parties are enjoying themselves a whole lot more than they expect to.
2. The date shall commence in the following manner: (Check either (a) or (b).)
---(a) Male shall pick female up at her apartment, condo, co-op, house, tent, hut, or other place of abode. Male shall not be required to bring Female flowers, candy, perfume, toothpaste or any other token of affection, the parties having heretofore agreed that such transfer of gift items would be premature in that neither party has the remotest idea what the other one likes, except as indicated by their mutual friend whom they both deem to be utterly unreliable.
---(b) Male and Female shall meet at the location designated in Paragraph 3, after having traveled via whatever car, cab, bicycle, skateboard or other means of transport each in his/her sole discretion may select. (The parties acknowledge that their choice of this meeting option is intended to permit either party to make an easy get-away before midnight, should the other party turn out to be as boring as their mutual friend.)
3. The date shall consist of one or more of the following: (Check all that apply.)
---(a) Dinner at a restaurant to be mutually selected by the parties no later than 72 hours prior to the commencement of the date, via telephone conference call(s) to be held by the parties, with arbitration to be conducted, if necessary, by their mutual friend. The parties agree that the meal shall not consist of Tex-Mex or sushi, and that the price per person including drinks, tax, and tip shall be no less than $30 and shall not exceed $50. The parties further agree that Male shall pay for dinner provided, however, that such payment shall not be deemed a precedent for other disbursements by him, in the unlikely event that further dates transpire.
---(b) A movie to be selected by the parties in a manner consistent with that described above for restaurant selection. Notwithstanding the foregoing, the parties agree to avoid all movies that are dubbed or contain subtitles and further agree that only movies with R and PG ratings and 3 or more stars shall be considered. The parties shall bear the cost of the movie, the popcorn and other goodies equally, provided that if a tall person sits in front of Female, Male agrees to cooperate completely and without complaint as to any seating change Female may deem to be in her best interest.
---(c) End of Date coffee/drink at a public place to be selected by the parties some time during the date. If the parties can not agree on such location, this clause shall be deemed void and the parties shall be free to and should in fact go their separate ways. The first one home shall be entitled to call their mutual friend no matter how late the hour, and torture him/her with all the gory details.
4. The parties agree that in no event shall they consider, discuss, pressure the other for, or actually partake in a post-date drink in the abode of one of the parties, unless a chaperon is present. The parties further agree that neither a chihuahua nor a parakeet shall be qualified to act as chaperon.
5. The parties agree that any waiver of Paragraph 4 shall not be deemed an agreement to engage in any activity beyond kissing, hugging and/or second degree necking.
6. Any of the following shall be grounds for unilateral early termination of the date.
(a) Either party talks or snores during the movie or, in the case of snoring, any time during the date.
(b) Female sends more than one food item back to the kitchen or eats Male's desert after saying she's on a diet.
(c) Either party bursts into tears and whimpers about unrequited love.
(d) Male groans at the menu prices or disappears just before the check arrives.
(e) Male leers at the well-endowed waitress (or waiter) and/or crawls under the table to chew on Female's foot.
7. If Male and Female actually manage to have a reasonably good time and decide to hazard an additional date, they may toss this agreement aside. But they probably ought to hold on to it -- just in case.