Every so often, radio talk shows give up their quest for amusing guests and interview me instead. I always welcome the opportunity to be exposed to a 4:30 a.m. audience of roughly eleven people. Why? Because it helps promote my humor writing. And because it really impresses my parents.
Although such programs would seem to be the ideal forum to show off my wit, things sometimes go terribly wrong. A case in point is the one I did just last week. Perhaps you heard it -- if you rise with the roosters and live within the three-mile reach of a certain station that shall remain nameless: KLULES FM.
For those woefully deprived souls who missed it, I offer a transcript of the interview:
HOST: Welcome, Mad Kane, to KLULES Talk.
MAD KANE: Thanks for inviting me.
HOST: I must ask you this: What's the best movie you ever saw in a drive-in?
MAD KANE: Could you please repeat the question? I could have sworn you asked about drive-in movies.
HOST: Well yes, I did. What's the best movie you ever saw in a drive-in?
MAD KANE: Why on earth are you asking me movie questions?
HOST: Not just movies. Drive-in movies. It's on the list my producer prepared for me.
MAD KANE: But I'm not here to talk about movies. I'm here to...
HOST: Let me check to see if I have the right list. Yes, that's the one. You're definitely here to talk about movies. It says right on top: Questions for Drive-In Mad Columnist Mad Kane.
MAD KANE: I'm afraid there's been a mix-up. I'm not the Drive-In Mad Columnist. I'm the Driven Mad Columnist.
MAD KANE: Driven Mad Columnist. Driven Mad. As in automobiles.
HOST: Oh. That's not good.
MAD KANE: Why don't you ask me something about cars? I'm very funny on the subject of cars.
HOST: This is a movie show. I don't know anything about cars. I'm gonna kill my producer!
MAD KANE: I'm sorry, but...
HOST: You're just going to have to talk about movies.
MAD KANE: That's impossible. I don't know anything about... Wait, I've got it. Ask me about James Bond movies.
HOST: Great! Have you ever seen a James Bond movie in a drive-in?
MAD KANE: No I haven't, but I'm so glad you asked me that. Did you know that the U.S. Military is a big fan of James Bond films?
HOST: That's amazing!
MAD KANE: In fact, the Army drew inspiration from Bond's Lotus Elan in The Spy Who Loved Me when it designed its one-million-dollar Ford F350 pickup truck.
HOST: You're making that up, right?
MAD KANE: Not at all. That Army vehicle can squirt out oil slicks, smokescreens, and pepper spray just like Bond's car. It can even spit out tacks. And its electric doors can stun and disable an intruder.
HOST: Wow! I'd sure love to watch a Bond movie in that sucker.
MAD KANE: That sounds like fun. But I'm pretty sure they save it for high security situations -- like transporting foreign dignitaries in Presidential motorcades.
HOST: What a shame! Well, this sure has turned into a great segment. I hope to have you back soon. Maybe even next month.
MAD KANE: To talk about cars?
HOST: Of course not. This is a movie show.
MAD KANE: But I don't ... uh... That sounds great. Next time I'll tell you about BMWfilms.com, BMW's car movie site with a hot film featuring Madonna.