As most people know by now, President Bush and Senator Kerry have signed on to a 32 page debate agreement. But few are aware that they also signed a secret addendum to that agreement. Fortunately, MadKane.com has an exclusive copy of that secret addendum, provided by a DC insider whom I will identify only as "Debate Throat."
TOP SECRET ADDENDUM TO ELECTION 2004 DEBATE AGREEMENT, entered into on September 20, 2004 by President George W. Bush (hereinafter referred to as "Bush") and Senator John F. Kerry (hereinafter referred to as "Kerry")
WHEREAS, The interesting thing about being the President is you don't have to explain things;
WHEREAS, If this were a dictatorship, it would be a heck of a lot easier; and
WHEREAS, Bush and Kerry have entered into a Debate Agreement and wish to modify it and memorialize certain secret debate terms.
NOW, THEREFORE, Bush and Kerry hereby agree to the following top secret provisions:
1. Kerry shall be required to answer all debate questions in French.
2. Bush shall be required to answer all debate questions in English.
3. Throughout each debate, the backdrop behind Bush shall feature several U.S. flags, the precise number of which is subject to further negotiation.
4. Throughout each debate, the backdrop behind Kerry shall feature a map of Massachusetts and two life-size photos of Kerry with Jane Fonda.
5. During the debates, Kerry shall address Bush as "Mr. President" or, if Kerry so elects, "Monsieur President."
6. During the debates, Bush shall address Kerry as "Senator Kerry" or, if Bush so elects, "Senator Flip-Flop."
7. Bush may, if he so chooses, elevate his torso by sitting on one or more padded telephone books. Alternatively, he may debate atop his mountain bike.
8. Kerry may, at his sole option, fluff up his hair, provided that Kerry's hair elevation shall not exceed 1.2 inches above scalp level.
9. Both Bush and Kerry may, but shall not be required to, wear a hat while debating (hereinafter referred to as "optional head-wear.") Bush's optional head-wear shall be a cowboy hat, and Kerry's optional head-wear shall be a beret.
10. Both Bush and Kerry shall wear business attire during debates one and two. However, during the third debate Bush may, if he so elects, wear a flight jacket, and Kerry may, if he so elects, where whatever garb he wears when he windsurfs.
11. All debate attendees shall be required to sign Bush/Cheney loyalty oaths, including all members of the media, except those employed by Fox.
12. Notwithstanding paragraph 11, Dan Rather shall be excluded from each debate, unless a panel of 6 experts unanimously confirms that his Bush/Cheney loyalty oath is not a forgery.
13. If Bush does not wish to answer any given question, he shall so indicate by saying "I'm glad you asked me that question," at which point the questioner shall thank him for his excellent answer and pose the same question to Kerry.
14. Kerry shall be required to sigh at least three times per debate. Moreover, additional sighs shall be required if any cameraman misses the shot.
15. Bush shall not be asked any question that requires him to pronounce the words nuclear, solidarity and/or Abu Ghraib.
16. In the event Kerry is declared the winner of any debate, Bush shall be entitled to a recount.
SIGNATURES: _______________ (President George W. Bush) _______________ (Senator John F. Kerry)
The GOP Convention featured a rather unsubtle, if not unseemly, display of military music. So I figured I'd reciprocate with "Shipping Bush/Cheney Back Home." I hope you enjoy singing it to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along" using this midi link:
Shipping Bush/Cheney Back Home (Sing to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along")
By Madeleine Begun Kane
On the Hill, on the dale,
Kerry/Edwards will not fail.
We'll be shipping Bush/Cheney back home.
In and out, hear us shout,
Count'ring lies by right wing louts.
We'll be shipping Bush/Cheney back home.
Then it's hi! hi! hee!
USA's democracy.
Broadcast our message loud and strong.
For where 'er you go,
You will always know
That we're shipping Bush/Cheney back home.
Needless wars, jobless blight,
Action left beats action right,
So we're shipping Bush/Cheney back home.
On the hunt, pushing fear,
Bush will soon be shedding tears,
Cause we're shipping Bush/Cheney back home.
Then it's hi! hi! hee!
USA's democracy.
Broadcast our message loud and strong.
For where 'er you go,
You will always know
That we're shipping Bush/Cheney back home.
Dubya brags, Dubya crows.
Thousands died so Bush could pose,
So we're shipping Bush/Cheney back home.
Bush misused all our might.
Many won't survive the fight,
So we're shipping Bush/Cheney back home.
Then it's hi! hi! hee!
USA's democracy.
Broadcast our message loud and strong.
For where 'er you go,
You will always know
That we're shipping Bush/Cheney back home.
I can't wait, tick, tick, tock,
Till the Johns have cleaned Dub's clock,
And we're shipping Bush/Cheney back home.
On the Hill, on the dale,
George and Dick should go to jail,
So we're shipping Bush/Cheney back home.
Then it's hi! hi! hee!
USA's democracy.
Broadcast our message loud and strong.
For where 'er you go,
You will always know
That we're shipping Bush/Cheney back home.
If you enjoy song parodies (and if you're a MadKane regular, you probably do) don't miss this excellent MP3: If George Only Had A Brain And speaking of political satire, I also enjoyed the Kerry vs. Bush 2004 animation.
On a more serious note, I finally saw Bush's Brain on DVD and thought it was quite good, provided you don't compare it with a Michael Moore documentary.
I also hear tell that Bushisms is now available on DVD. It's hosted by Comedy Central's Brian Unger and includes Bushism video clips, interviews with Al Franken and Jacob Weisberg, and music videos by The George W. Bush Singers. I haven't seen it yet, but it certainly sounds promising.
We have great news on the jobs front via Dick Cheney: The jobless numbers and other bleak economic factors are no longer meaningful, because so many people are making a killing on eBay. As soon as I heard this I rejoiced ... and wrote a poem:
Cheney's E-Bray By Madeleine Begun Kane
Be happy and be gay.
It's a fabulous new day.
Things are A-okay.
Cause you're trading on eBay.
Praise Cheney. Don't delay.
Never, ever speak français.
Kerry's so passé.
Cause you're trading on eBay.
Spend money. See a play.
Do not think about Ken Lay.
Never say "Oy vey!"
Cause you're trading on eBay.
Bush/Cheney! Do not stray!
Kerry/Edwards love ballet.
Skip the Dem soirée.
Cause you're trading on eBay.
You're jobless? Lost your pay?
Got no food or place to stay.
Pray and shout "Hooray!"
Cause you're trading on eBay
Thanks so much to Steve Bates,Talk Left, and Jack O'Toole for posting 9/11 birthday wishes to me ... despite the fact that I didn't even mention it on my blog ... until now. And thanks so much to my wonderful husband Mark, who rose to the challenge and somehow managed to made the day an enjoyable one.
Oh ... and a belated happy birthday to fellow 9/11 birthday-er Kos, even though I'm still AWOL from his blogroll.
There once was a turncoat named Zell,
Whose soul to George Bush he did sell.
Gave a speech so insane,
That Dub's love for him waned,
So Karl sent the man packing pell-mell.
I'm still seething from Tuesday night's speeches -- the lies and snideness, the pomposity and fake folksiness. I can barely stand to think about it, let alone write about it. But the speech that riled me the most was Rod Paige's Ode to No Child Left Behind. That particular pack of lies so infuriated me, that I dug up and posted the "education lies" essay I wrote for the anti-Bush anthology Big Bush Lies.
I'm working on a new song parody in honor of the Convention's military music display last night, and it should be ready later on. But in the meantime, here are my latest Un-Conventional Haiku:
Today's haiku feature "moderates" on stage plus convention confetti made up of (believe it or not) pictures of George & Laura Bush and Dick & Lynne Cheney:
What's the biggest advantage of blogging the convention from the streets of New York? Access, access, access. And access is exactly what got me a copy of Bush's latest entry in Dubya's Dayly Diary:
August 29, 2004
Dear Diary -- Well, the big day's comin in just a coupla days. Though I'd just as soon skip it and go directly ta my 2nd inauguration. Cause speech-makin in New York isn't exactly my idea of a good time. Actually, anything in New York isn't exactly my idea of a good time. Except maybe acceptin really big checks.
I still can't believe one of the twins wants ta teach school in that evil city. And in Harlem yet, just a coupla blocks from the guy whose recession I inherited.
And speakina has-been ex-presidents, Dad called me again ta congratulate me, but I refused ta take his call. Cause I sure as hell don't need ta go through the whole Iraq war argument with him again. Plus he's still hopin I'll change my mind at the last minute and let him speak at the convention. Just what I need is old Poppy tryin ta make me look bad again. How's it my fault that I didn't inherit the old feller's way with words?
I couldn't resist writing another song parody to "celebrate" the Republican Convention in New York. (My first convention song, The GOP Hits New York, is here.) I hope you enjoy singing "The Oust George Bush Song" to "Five Foot Two" using this midi link:
The Oust George Bush Song (Sing to "Five Foot Two" a/k/a "Has Anybody Seen My Gal?")
By Madeleine Begun Kane
GOP,
NYC,
It's time to oust them from DC.
Evict George Bush and all his pals.
Screwed New Yawk,
Yet those hawks,
Act as if they did not balk
At sending help to our locale.
Now if you run into
A Bushie crew,
Wand'ring the streets.
Tell them you
Love Dubya too.
Then explain that west is east.
But don't you shove.
That won't do.
Cops will grab you right on cue,
Which only helps George Bush's pals.
GOP,
NYC,
It's time to oust them from DC.
Yes, throw them out of work, we shall.
Dubya's pose,
Dubya's prose,
Flips and flops. Let's Bush depose.
George Bush is much like root canal.
Now if you run into
A Bushie crew,
Don't you act mean.
Say that you
Love Dubya too.
Then you send them east to Queens.
Big Apple doves
Say adieu.
George and Dick are almost through.
John Kerry will restore morale.
GOP,
NYC,
It's time to oust them gleefully.
Evict Bush/Cheney and their pals.
Screwed New Yawk.
They're all talk.
They pretend they did not balk
At sending bucks to our locale.
Now if you run into
A Bushie crew
Wand'ring the streets,
Tell them you
Love all their views.
Then explain that west is east.
But don't you shove.
That won't do.
Cops will grab you right on cue,
Which only helps George Dubya's pals.
It's time to dump George Bush and his pals.
August 20, 2004 (Swing For Kerry; Daily News Haiku; Liberal Laughs)
If you're in New York this weekend, why not swing for Kerry this Sunday? That's what hubby Mark and I will be doing and -- just to be perfectly clear -- I'm talking about dancing.
Today's news haiku feature Ralph Nader, Bush misspeaking for a change, and lawn sign thievery:
So I thought I'd celebrate our lefty GOP Convention blogger-fete with a new song parody, "The GOP Hits New York." I hope you enjoy singing it to "When Johnny Comes Marching Home Again," using this midi link.
The GOP Hits New York (Sing to "When Johnny Comes Marching Home Again")
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The GOP bash will soon be here.
Oh, no! Oh, no!
Won't give 'em a hearty welcome cheer.
Oh, no! Oh, no!
They'll swarm our bars and they'll crowd our streets.
They'll praise and laud their nominees.
And we won't feel gay when
The GOP hits New York.
Republican pols in NYC.
Oh, no! Oh, no!
Big Apple bit by the GOP.
Oh, no! Oh, no!
They'll bash and sneer at the Democrats.
They're sure to act like plund'ring rats.
And we won't feel gay when
The GOP hits New York.
George Dubya and the Dick here too.
Oh, no! Oh, no!
The thought of them both, it makes me blue.
Oh, no! Oh, no!
We'll demonstrate and we'll speak our minds.
We'll flash our Kerry/Edwards signs.
And we'll have our say when.
The GOP hits New York.
My cyber-stalking nemesis, Ann Coulter's even-more-evil cousin, Ayn Clouter, is at it again. Apparently, she thinks my news haiku writing proclivities are ... uh ... unnatural. Perhaps the poor woman will like this limerick better:
Dub & Dick's Limerick By Madeleine Begun Kane
George Dub has a Veep named Dick Cheney.
Next to Dub he appears rather brainy.
But they both lie and scheme.
They're an oil man's wet dream.
Need a White House that's GOP stain-free.
We have a misleader named George.
On power and lies he does gorge.
Sneers and smirks way too much.
Tries to fake common touch.
Soon we'll Dub and Dick Cheney disgorge.
Ever since my Bush birthday haiku experiment, I've wanted to play some more with that much-harder-than-it-looks 17 syllable form. If it works out, I'll probably make News Haiku a regular feature:
I was thinking about doing a song parody to spoof Bush's I'm a war president, I'm a peace president nonsense. But then I realized I already did it back in November 2003. Here's just a bit of my The Spinning Song to be sung to Spinning Wheel:
Soldiers are dyin' just for Bush.
Spinners lie. Truth is hushed.
Stop all our troubles at the votin' polls.
Time to take George Dubya off the government dole.
War is peace. Peace is war.
Pow'r and oil, that's what it's for.
Cov'rin' up Bush fumbles takes a lot of spin.
White House packed with phonies causin' death as Bush grins.
And speaking of the law, I've just added the new and very promising Lawyer News to my Regular Reads Blog Roll. It features daily legal news updates and info about lawyers, law firms, law schools, and the practice of law and is "dedicated to connecting lawyers with information about the business of being a lawyer, and consumers with information about the practice of law."
July 14, 2004 (Ode To John Edwards a/k/a The Trial Lawyers Song)
I've figured out why Republicans refused to condemn Dick Cheney's four-letter word Senate outburst. It's because Republicans view Democrats as so evil, that anything goes. Especially those Democrats who are liberal and/or trial lawyers, both of which condemnations must be said with curled lip and a disapproving hiss.
Note, however, that trial lawyers are perfectly fine and upstanding individuals, if they happen to be Republicans seeking a Senate seat, like Mel Martinez. Which brings me to my latest song parody, "Ode To John Edwards" a/k/a "The Trial Lawyers Song." I hope you enjoy singing it to "Moon River," by Henry Mancini and Johnny Mercer, using this midi link.
Ode To John Edwards (The Trial Lawyers Song) By Madeleine Begun Kane
Trial lawyers
Go that extra mile,
To see that all those vile
Guys pay.
They're risk takers
And rain makers.
They're able and knowing.
Wrongdoers they slay.
Corp grifters
Ripping off the poor.
They always want some more
For free.
But Edwards and like-minded men
Fight hard to rip-offs end,
And warning message send,
To stop corp'rate greed.
Rove lackeys
Go that extra mile
To Edwards' rep defile
Each day.
They're base fakers,
Tall tale makers.
They put down trial lawyers
Unless GOP.
Martinez,
Rove's trial lawyer pick,
For Florida's Sen tick,
You see.
Hypocrisy taints Rove attacks.
Can't beat our Johns with facts.
Rove's shameless lying hacks
We soon will defeat.
UPDATE:The evil and infamous Ayn Clouter, that nemesis of all things good, who attacks so many of my posts she should be designated a blog stalker, has maligned me once again. How dare she parody my song parody with her own anti-Edwards anti-trial lawyers song parody! If Ayn Clouter's compulsive need to attack me weren't so pathetic and sad, I'd sue what's left of her.
Well, yesterday was the big day! No, I'm not talking about Kerry's "Edwards is my running mate, even though he's much cuter and more charming than I am, damn him" announcement.
Happy birthday, Dub.
The Presidency, you flubbed.
Back to Crawford, bub!
And yes, I know that, technically, haiku isn't supposed to rhyme. But you don't expect me to let a little thing like a poetry rule stand in my way, do you? Okay, just to prove I too can be obedient on occasion (but please don't tell hubby Mark), here's my non-winning entry:
"Let freedom reign," George?
We know that you meant "wane," George.
You are freedom's bane.
Last week, when Dick Cheney inspired me to write him my Ode to the F-Word poem, I never expected to revisit the topic. But then I started noticing a new trend among lefty bloggers: verbing Cheney and turning his name into a delightful new curse word. So I couldn't resist writing yet another poem, which I hereby dedicate to the "Dump Bush/Expletive Deleted" campaign:
Cheney 'Em All! By Madeleine Begun Kane
The "F word" and the "C word" and the "S word" and the rest
Must make some room for "Cheney."
As a curse word, it's the best.
Instead of saying "f**k you," just say "Cheney you" next time.
You'll like it, I assure you.
As a curse word, it's sublime.
And when perchance you want to tell some bastard where he stands,
Explain that he has "Cheney'd up,"
If "f**ked up" seems too bland.
