TO: President, FEBRUARY ANTI-DEFAMATION LEAGUE
FROM: Director of Public Relations
RE: February Bashing
DATE: February 1
During the next few weeks we may expect the usual onslaught of anti-February propaganda. Magazines and Op-Ed pages are sure to be filled with whiny pieces prattling about depression, doldrums, and debt -- all unfairly attributed to February. To counter this, I suggest a full-blown media assault portraying February as the kind, magnanimous month it really is. The following points can and should be made:
1. February's weather is no more depressing than January or, for that matter, March.
2. February is short. As most people know, it is generally confined to 28 days and, thus far, has never swelled beyond 29. People ought to pick on months their own size.
3. Some of our best Presidents were born in February. Not only can we boast about Washington and Reagan, but we can also tout Lincoln without fear of repercussion. (There's no need to pitch the South because it's already pro-February.) As for Vice-Presidents, we won't mention Aaron Burr, of course, but I need your thoughts on Quayle.
4. February isn't the reason people are cash poor; Christmas is the culprit. If they didn't spend so much money in
December, their credit card bills wouldn't haunt them come February 1st. And if you really want to talk money squeeze, think April 15. Slogan -- "Don't Blame February, Blame The Feds."
5. Every February people gripe about being over-weight and lethargic. Well, what do they expect after all that celebrating? People should ask themselves how many parties they gorged themselves at late last year. Not to mention SuperBowl Sunday. That's why they're fat. Remember, nobody celebrates President's Day with eggnog, pizza, beer, and chips.
6. February is the birth month of many fine actors (Hal Holbrook, Red Buttons, Abe Vigoda, Zsa Zsa Gabor); singers
(Enrico Caruso, Marian Anderson, Alice Cooper, Sonny Bono); and writers (James Joyce, Sinclair Lewis, Liz Smith, Helen Gurley Brown). On second thought, scratch Joyce. He's far too verbose.
7. Not only does February feature Valentine's Day, but it includes many outstanding month-long celebrations such as
American Heart Month, Creative Romance Month, Canned Food Month, and the Cordova Iceworm Festival. However, we probably won't want to mention that February is Great American Pies Month, National Macadamia Nut Month, and National Snack Foods Month. (Note: Must check calorie count before making final decision re "Shape Up With Pickles Time.")
8. I'm still researching February's week-long festivals. Unfortunately, all I've come up with so far is National Condom
I'd like to launch my pro-February campaign right away. What do you think?
TO: Director of Public Relations
RE: Bashing Brouhaha
DATE: February 24
I can't deal with this now. Perhaps I'll address it when I return from spa. Right now I'm too depressed. (Dictated, but