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Cheney Misfires Big Time & Other Dick Cheney Humor

Back in 2001 when I did my first interview with Vice President Richard Cheney, he told me his cave door's always open. And sure enough, it is:

MADKANE: Mr. Vice President, welcome. Let's start with the rumor that you're about to be kicked off the Bush/Cheney ticket. Is there an imminent threat that President Bush will run with somebody else?

CHENEY: Absolutely not.

MADKANE: What about a dangerous threat?


MADKANE: A serious threat?

CHENEY: Negative.

MADKANE: An immediate threat?

CHENEY: None whatsoever.

MADKANE: What about a mortal or grave or serious and mounting threat?

CHENEY: No, and I am not amused.

MADKANE: Or a...

CHENEY: And for the record, I never once characterized the Iraq threat as imminent.

MADKANE: Actually you did, Mr. Vice President, but moving on...

CHENEY: Did you say Move On? The traitorous organization that compared the best president this country has ever had with Hitler? Because I refuse to be interviewed by anybody associated with such a heinous organization.

MADKANE: I merely said moving on, sir, as in changing the subject. But...

CHENEY: Which reminds me: Liberal! Liberal! Liberal!

MADKANE: Excuse me?

CHENEY: Liberal! Liberal! Liberal! The Dems trying to steal George's job.

MADKANE: Even Senator Lieberman?

CHENEY: Especially Lib Lieberman.

MADKANE: I see. But going back to your previous point, the lawyers tell me I need to say that is a fine group which never...

CHENEY: If you continue to defend those infidels I will terminate this interview immediately.

MADKANE: Okay then. Moving ... I mean ... turning to a different topic, please give me your thoughts on Paul O'Neill.

CHENEY: He's a lying nincompoop!

MADKANE: But weren't you great friends? And aren't you the person who recommended him to President Bush?

CHENEY: That's no longer operative.

MADKANE: Let's talk about Halliburton for a moment.

CHENEY: Great company! Fine, upstanding company. The only firm capable of doing the job in Iraq.

MADKANE: What about recent revelations that some Halliburton employees took bribes from...

CHENEY: Never happened.

MADKANE: Excuse me sir, but Halliburton has acknowledged that this occurred.

CHENEY: Never happened.

MADKANE: But that's not even being disputed.

CHENEY: Asked and answered.

MADKANE: Okay, then. What about the French investigation into Halliburton bribery that took place while you were its CEO and the possibility that you'll be indicted.

CHENEY: I do not recognize the legal system of Old Europe.

MADKANE: So you aren't denying that bribery took place under your watch?

CHENEY: I deny everything.

MADKANE: Everything?

CHENEY: Everything.

MADKANE: Do you deny that you went duck hunting with Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia?

CHENEY: Absolutely.

MADKANE: But Mr. Vice President, even Justice Scalia admits that you two went duck hunting together.

CHENEY: Never heard of the man.

MADKANE: Do you also deny that under the Bush/Cheney administration the deficit has soared to record highs.

CHENEY: That's a lie spread by the liberal media. We have a large surplus...

MADKANE: But sir, everyone knows that the Clinton surplus is long gone.

CHENEY: Not true.

MADKANE: Yes it is.

CHENEY: Not it's not.

MADKANE: Yes it is.

CHENEY: No it's not.

MADKANE: Yes it... I'm guessing you've found Saddam's WMDS?

CHENEY: Absolutely.

MADKANE: And captured bin Laden?

CHENEY: Did it last week.

MADKANE: And created more jobs than any prior administration.

CHENEY: Of course.

MADKANE: I don't suppose you've personally found a cure for cancer.

CHENEY: Yup! Just yesterday.

MADKANE: Thanks so much for doing this interview Vice President Cheney.

CHENEY: What interview?

© January 31, 2004 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.

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