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Madeleine Begun Kane,
Humor Columnist,

Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear DoS Guys:

You've been busy lately making trouble for Yahoo, eBay, Amazon, and a bunch of other big league sites. You guys (Is it sexist for me to assume you're guys?) are really good.

Putting Yahoo out of commission for three hours -- what a fantastic feat! And launching Denial of Service attacks on other biggies like E*Trade, CNN, and -- Wow! I'm almost rooting for you to get away with it. (Note to FBI: I said almost, okay?)

But I do have one serious complaint: You haven't touched my site and, frankly, I'm hurt.

No doubt you have a good excuse. Chances are, you haven't even heard of MadKane's humor columns at But that can be fixed. In fact, if you're reading this, it's already been fixed.

You're probably wondering why I'd want you to hit my site and deny loyal readers the benefit of my humorous services. Nah, you guys are so smart, I'll bet you've already figured it out. But for everyone else, just imagine how much press an attack on this little old (okay, not all that old) humor writer's site would generate. Do you know how much that free media attention is worth? I don't either, but I'm pretty sure it's a lot.

Think of all the surfers who'd flock to, just to see what all the fuss is about. They'd surely figure that if it's worth attacking, it must be worth visiting.

Pretty soon, I'll be up to my eyeballs in fans and venture capital. Oprah will beseech me to visit. Oxygen will beg me to join its network. I'll be so flooded with attention, I'll barely be able to breathe. will get so many hits, emerchants will be begging for banner space.

You may also be wondering whether I'm insured against losses I'd sustain from a DoS attack. I did contact my broker about this. But when I told her how much I gross per week, she giggled and hung up.

Now that you know about me, I'm hoping you can fit into your heavy schedule. I'm not asking for much. A 45-minute outage should be enough to get my name on the emap.

What's in it for you? For starters, the satisfaction of doing a good deed for one of the little people.

Not good enough? Okay, as a sweetener, I'll throw in a five percent finder's fee and put you on my IPO's Friends and Family List.

If, that is, the Feds don't find you first.


Madeleine Begun Kane, Humor Columnist

© 2000 Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.
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