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Madeleine Begun Kane,
Humor Columnist,

Madeleine Begun Kane


Ms. LegalPerson is happy to report that Tuesday's Presidential election is over and that Gore ... no ... Bush ... no ... Gore ... no ... Bush ... no....

Hmmm, better begin again in the "do over" spirit that's overtaken the U.S. media. Here goes: Ms. LegalPerson is happy to report that Tuesday is history. Tuesday's election, however, may never end.

With all the election upheaval, Ms. LegalPerson's email box has been flooded with letters asking her to explain, as only a "recovering lawyer" can explain, what the heck happened. Most of the mail came from citizens of other countries who posed this heartfelt question:

"Is everyone in the U.S. insane?"

To that, Ms. LegalPerson can only answer:

"Yes, especially in Florida."

Here then, as a public service, are several post-election questions and answers. You can rest assured that the answers are at least as accurate as the news broadcasts that assaulted us Tuesday night.

Q: When will we know for sure who won the Presidential election?

A: We will have a definitive answer in the next few days, give or take thirty or forty lawsuits.

Q: Can you be more specific?

A: You have my word as a "recovering lawyer," that we'll know who won Election 2000 no later than November 2004.

Q: What happens if the recount gives Florida to Gore?

A: Are we talking about today's recount, tomorrow's recount, the next day's recount, the recount for the day after that, or...

Q: I'm talking about the final recount.

A: Gore will become President, and Congress will spend the next four years trying to impeach him.

Q: It's great to hear a definitive answer.

A: I could be wrong. Clinton may refuse to leave office, in which case Congress will spend the next four years trying to impeach him.

Q: And what happens if the last Florida recount gives the state to Bush?

A: Then Bush becomes President, the Republicans completely control the U.S. government, and my email will be coming from some other country.

Q: Are you sure about that?

A: Not really. Clinton may refuse to leave office, in which case Congress will spend the next four years trying to impeach him.

Q: Why would it take so long? Wouldn't that clearly be an impeachable offense?

A: You're absolutely right. But the public may be so scared by the prospect of a Republican-controlled House, Senate, and Presidency, that they'll oppose impeachment because it's only about sex and not... Ooops! Wrong scandal.

Q: Do you have any final words of election wisdom to share with your readers?

A: Stay the course. Thousand points of light. Stay the... Ooops! Wrong Bush.

© Madeleine Begun Kane November 8, 2000. All Rights Reserved.

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