UPDATE: Due to a family health situation, I have to extend this Limerick-Off by one week. The new deadline for entries is February 9 at 10 pm. (Eastern Time) — Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: PLANE, PLAIN, COMPLAIN, Or EXPLAIN at the end of any one line
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using PLANE, PLAIN, COMPLAIN, or EXPLAIN at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to LIGHTING, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best LIGHTING-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on February 10, 2019, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you three full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, February 9, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
When a girl told her mom she was bored,
Her mother grew angry and roared:
“How dare you COMPLAIN!
Can’t you see I’m in pain?
Go play house, or I’m cutting the cord.”
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Badly Behaved Children, Boredom, Child Humor, Children Limerick, Competition Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Mom Limerick, Mother Humor, Parent Humor, Parental Humor, Parenting, Parenting Humor, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
Dear World, we would like to explain
That our country has not gone insane.
An electoral glitch
Put that sonofabitch
Where we hope he will not long remain.
To go to a war zone she’s fain
But made preparations in vain
Encouraging troops
Is off the list. Oops!
So Nancy, just get off the plane
Strong sunlight can kill many germs
(And lead to employ legal firms)
Cause all that he said
And rumors he fed
Could mean that he won’t get two terms
My British friend wants to explain
That Brexit would just be insane.
But still, it’s in play,
And he blames Mrs. May,
Not his pals, who all voted Remain.
Please replace earlier version with bad B-rhyme. NOOOOO, I DIDN’T FIX IT
Our lightbulbs were once incandescent,
And then they were compact fluorescent.
Now everyone speeds
To buy LEDs.
These changes are truly incessant.
Rhyme fixed, at last!
Our lightbulbs were once incandescent,
And then they were compact fluorescent.
Are now who agrees
To buy all LEDs?
These changes are truly incessant.
If you’re a deplorable and go out to eat,
At the restaurant many of those elite will meet,
They will call you many a bad name,
Their behavior on you they will blame,
Without verbalizing their hatred they feel incomplete.
Walking away they feel holier than thou;
The country should know what the diner is now?
They thrive on disdain,
They act inhumane,
Their behavior compares at best to a sow.
*****
From Mad Kane: Unless I’m missing something, you haven’t used either the rhyme word or the theme.
The Donald is proud to explain
Why Nancy can’t fly on his plane
While Melania soars
To cavil with boors:
“It’s clearly because I’m insane!”
Politicians? Why do we deride?
As a job lot, they’re bent and they’re snide.
First, we vote, then complain,
Do it over again,
And seem always surprised that they lied.
“It’s a combatant’s right to complain,
All that drilling and marching’s a strain.
If a soldier cain’t bitch –
Have a moan, scratch an itch –
Then the whole gosh-danged show’s down the drain.”
“Drunk again?” is her constant refrain.
She derides all attempts to explain.
It were better, I think,
To foreswear further drink,
Than to suffer that woman’s disdain.
“There were bugs in me bedroom in Spain,
And foul odours would waft from the drain;
But the booze were dead cheap;
I’d get drunk, then I’d sleep,
So, I couldn’t be arsed to complain.”
The Donald was heard to complain:
“It’s fake news that I haven’t a brain!
I’ve got one in a jar
That belonged to my Ma –
It may still come in handy again.”
I really don’t want to fuss and complain
But, political landscape is insane
Both parties fail to agree
Gridlock we didn’t foresee
Trump endlessly has Twitter on his brain !
In our doublewide it’s quite exciting
Our resident ghosts mess with the lighting
Spirits making lights flicker
Then, they hide the good liquor
Cost of replacing bulbs is frightening !
His obsession with walls is insane;
His advisers should try to explain
That a wall won’t keep out
Any Mexican lout
With a ladder, a boat, or a plane.
I misread – My apologies.
If you’re a deplorable and go out to eat,
At the restaurant many of those elite will meet,
Their verbal goal will be to complain,
Their behavior on you they will blame
Without verbalizing their hatred they feel incomplete.
Walking away they feel holier than thou;
The country should know what the diner is now?
They thrive on disdain,
Which they won’t explain,
Their behavior compares at best to a sow.
The girl was too shy to complain
When the Donald said “Blow me again!”
But she sucked him too hard,
And the great tub of lard
Cried “Oh, darn it, you swallowed my brain!”
(Double)
Says Trump. “What’s that light in the sky?
It’s too bright, and I’m starting to fry.”
“It’s the sun”, they explain.
“That’s a lie! I maintain
That my son is no brighter than I.”
According to logophiles, the lyrics: “The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain are incorrect! So:
“My Fair Lady”
The mistakes in this well-known refrain
Are expressions that shouldn’t remain!
The words “in” and “stays”
Form an incorrect phrase
Cause the rain in Spain FALLS ON the plain!
Fran is a dame from a small town
Whose sense of a thrill draws a frown
She won’t ride a train
Or fly on a plane
She says they either crash or come down
The lighting on Trump’s never right
Due to sunlight that’s ever so bright
Thus, the techs should arrange
A refreshing new change
And have him speak only at night.
The vet should be struck off, it’s plain
They said sex with the sheep was to blame
But it wasn’t just Ovine
And the occasional Bovine
He’d been treating the pigs just the same
“Mrs. Whine, you’ve a very bad sprain
Here’s a pill that will take away pain”
“I’m sure doc, it’s great
But to be very straight:
I’d rather go home and complain”
Such behavior is truly a shame,
This shouldn’t be hard to explain,
He says it is mutual,
And not that unusual,
But even his horse did complain.
Changing a light-bulb
The bulb needed changing. They tried,
Bat a hundred Republicans died.
Though the science ain’t rocket,
They all licked the socket,
And ended up thoroughly fried.
Stop mansplaining! Deign to refrain
From acting as if I’ve no brain.
You don’t need to explain
To me why I refrain
From revering you. (HINT: ‘Cause you’re vain.)
Thank goodness this room’s dimly lit
So my boyfriend can’t quite see the zit
On the tip of my nose
That through makeup still shows.
(If he saw it, then surely he’d split.)
We all have a right to complain,
We’re treated with scorn and disdain.
Those in power just scoff,
The pussy grabber gets off.
Please don’t condescend and mansplain.
Ms. Monica noticed a stain
To the world this gal sure did complain
But compared to Pres. Bill
Mr. Trump wins “Hot Thrill”
And was crowned for his “50 Year Reign”
The spotlights illumine the stage
Where the despot will soon stand and rage.
But the nation takes note,
And soon we will vote
That the time’s come to turn a new page.
No matter, we give facts and explain,
Trump’s supporters react with disdain.
They scorn truths and choose
To call it fake news
A position they love to maintain.
A subway rider who’s English not Scotch,
Has thrown bleach on many a man’s crotch,
“For England” she did explain,
“Of man-spread,” I do complain,
“For women’s leg room I’ll continue to watch.”
What a marvelous thing is a dimmer!
On the days I feel older and grimmer,
I just turn it down low,
Make my wrinkles all go,
And look younger and slimmer and trimmer.
If there’s something to mend, fix or tie,
I can just turn the dimmer up high
And produce enough light
To set anything right
And ensure I’ll get by if I try.
Yes, the dimmer is grand altogether,
For both higher light levels and nether –
But I’d be more content
If kind souls would invent
Me a dimmer to tether the weather.
Though the limerick’s meter is plain
And the rhyming’s a bit of a strain,
We write more every week –
For the prize that we seek
Is the smile on the face of Mad Kane!
We are seeing the 30th day
That “essentials” must work without pay –
But they shouldn’t complain:
They’ve a heart and a brain
(Not like Cheat-O, who screwed them that way).
More Cockney rhyming slang. ‘jacksie’, Jack + Danny = fanny
Some doctors hear patients complain
After inflicting on themselves their own pain
One came in a taxi
With a Pole up his jacksie
Or was he Ukranian, or possibly a Dane?
I’m sorry, I came on the train
On my pants the stain is quite plain
After leaving each station
There’s e-jaculation
Oh bugger, it’s happened again!
A Response to John Shardlow’s ‘Vet’ Limerick, above.
That seems harsh. Couldn’t someone explain
That a vet can’t from lovin’ abstain?
If he could but confine
His affections to swine,
And from cattle and sheep now refrain?
A Fuller Response:
Bedside Manner: A Personal Approach
That seems harsh. Couldn’t someone explain
That a vet can’t from lovin’ abstain?
If he could but confine
His affections to swine,
And from cattle and sheep now refrain?
And besides, he may be empathetic,
Or’s run short of the right anaesthetic.
Is it our place to judge?
Or, indeed, to begrudge?
Shouldn’t we, perhaps, be sympathetic?
Bedside Manner: A Personal Approach
That seems harsh. Couldn’t someone explain
That a vet can’t from lovin’ abstain?
If he could but confine
His affections to swine,
And from cattle and sheep now refrain?
And besides, he may be empathetic,
Or’s run short of the right anaesthetic.
Is it our place to judge?
Or, indeed, to begrudge?
Shouldn’t we, perhaps, be sympathetic?
It’s traditional – out on the moors,
Where, for shepherds, a shortage of whores,
Meant the long, lonely nights,
Lacked those carnal delights
Which were taken for granted indoors.
LIGHTING THEME
“Senior” ladies still feel that warm spark
And while taking a stroll in the park
You could meet the right man
And then have a lewd plan
But make sure you get bonked in the dark.
MESSAGE to EVERYONE about a COMMON RHYMING ERROR:
Do NOT Try to Rhyme the Alternative Rhyme Words With Each Other. Rhyme-wise they are effectively the same word because they sound the same.
For example, trying to rhyme PLAIN with COMPLAIN Or PLANE with EXPLAIN would be no better than trying to rhyme PLANE with PLANE.
If you have any questions about this, feel free to email me. Thanks!
It was a dark, and quite cold, stormy night.
Trump waits for notions, like lightning to strike.
Then much to collective dread,
An idea comes to his head.
This is how another crisis takes flight!
Fixing Grammatical Errors in a Previous limerick: Lighting Theme
“Senior” ladies still feel that warm spark
And while taking a stroll in the park
They might meet the right man
Then have a lewd plan
And make sure they get bonked in the dark.
The model complained of the the lighting.
“My boobs look so small, uninviting.”
Though they couldn’t pretend
They were big, in the end
Photoshop made them much more exciting.
May I fan Lisi’s spark?
“I should like to know, where is this park
Where said grannies disport after dark?
I’ve got tinder and fan,
And you have a lewd plan;
We could start a great blaze with your spark?”
I’m a pessimist, let me explain
So I don’t have to say it again
In the tunnel, my friend
Is a light at the end –
Which belongs to an oncoming train.
Those folk who voted to remain
May think they have cause to complain
It’s now a right mess
But nevertheless
We simply just can’t vote again
While flying to beautiful Spain
At first it just started to rain
But then we crash landed
So scared and so stranded
And heard cries of “Dee Plane” and “Dee Plane”
The cafe had soft candle lighting,
Her smile was come-hither, inviting.
But her throat got a lump
When he praised Donald Trump.
They ended up angry and fighting.
“Back To Spain”
While flying to beautiful Spain
We thought it just started to rain
But the buzz of alarms
Clanging, “Please Flap Your Arms!”
Made us think that this ain’t a good plane.
“Gotta Get To Spain”
While flying to beautiful Spain
We noticed it started to rain
So then we got wet
Due to holes in the jet
Joe and I always fly “No-Frills Plane”
Final version –
It seems that some guys need enlightening,
Their view is dismaying- needs brightening.
Beauty comes in all sizes,
They’re in for surprises,
Small gals can give pleasure quite heightening.
For Judith in the hope that it might banish her dismay.
Dear Ms Block, take my hat off to you;
What you say is assuredly true.
For myself, I seek eyes
That betoken surprise.
May your light shine most brightly! Adieu.
There are some, when they come to complain,
Who cannot get it into their brain,
That there’s no need to pout,
Rant and rave, scream or shout;
Best approach is serene and urbane.
Response to Lisi, improved.
“I should like to know, where is this park (Me To Lisi)
Where said grannies disport after dark?
I’ve got tinder and fan,
And you have a lewd plan;
What a blaze could be fanned from your spark!”
The wife’s nagging’s driving me insane
Yesterday she was at it again
But there’s one thing for sure
Now she’s dead on the floor
That’s the last time she’ll ever complain
Is this a rule bender? ‘Complaint’ is a different sound.
As a rule, I’m the soul of restraint,
With the patience and calm of a saint.
Please! No need to explain;
Just don’t do it again,
Or I might give you cause for complaint.
Responding to Valerie’s domestic drama.
A tad drastic, Sir, wouldn’t you say?
Then again, she was nagging. Fair play.
But, please, could you explain
Why the rope and the chain:
But for that you’d have got clean away.
Lighting Theme
Johnny took me to “Get In The Mood”
(A restaurant, very subdued)
We sat by the fire
Just burned with desire
As the bugs swam around in our food
That’s better.
“A tad drastic, Sir, wouldn’t you say?”
‘As I said, she was nagging.’ “Fair play:
But that doesn’t explain
Knife, gun, poison and chain:
But for that you’d have got clean away.”
Tony Holmes, why thank you, kind sir!
Unexpected. My mind’s all a blur.
So insightful and wise
To read what’s in our eyes.
Hope others rethink and concur.
In response to Tony
Mr. Tony, just let me explain
This park is called “Aged Love Lane”
It’s just down the road
Right near my abode
I’m the one with the walker and cane
“Delancey Street, New York, 1929
They fought against sorrow and pain
And “hope” was their way to sustain
At the “drug store” they sat
It felt good to chat
Then they ordered a cool “two cents plain”
Mad: In my response to Tony:
line 3 should not be “It’s right down the road”
It should be “It’s just down the road”
Could you change that for me
Thank You
Lisi
*****
Done.
For Mistress Block.
Ah, Ms Block! Did not Solomon vow,
He’d found wisdom in one in one thou’?
Size and shape will misguide,
And the light that’s inside,
Won’t appear to too many, I trow.
But it’s right that you hold hard to hope;
Better that than surrender and mope.
Your campaign, now begun,
To prove small dames are fun,
Should provide you with plenty of scope.
For Mistress Lisi.
Mr Tony, just let me explain
This park is called “Aged Love lane”.
It’s just down the road
Right near my abode
I’m the one with the stroller and cane.
I am wondering Lis’, is that code?
Sorry, Pilot Error.
Oh, Dear Lisi, no need to explain.
I am all too aware of the strain.
But with tonic and balm –
And long periods of calm
We can minimise damage and pain.
But I’m wondering Lis’, is that code?
Are you teasing and hoping to goad?
When I’m looking for signs,
Should I read twixt the lines?
And for stroller and cane, infer N.O.D.E.?
(Naughty Older Dame, Enticing)
Or, perhaps?
Oh, Dear Lisi, no need to explain.
I am all too aware of the strain.
But with tonic and balm –
And long periods of calm
We can minimise damage and pain.
But I’m wondering Lis’, is that code?
Are you teasing and hoping to goad?
When I’m looking for signs,
Should I read twixt the lines?
And for stroller and cane, infer B.O.D.E.?
(Bold Older Dame: Enticing)
For Tony Holmes..
I really don’t need to explain,
I surely have nothing to gain.
I’ve no need to convince,
By the way- you’re a prince!
These fool guys are just a royal pain.
PLEASE join FaceBook, Tony! We can all more easily have this fun limerick exchange there.
I think Madeleine would probably prefer her blog be limited to Limerick-Off entries. LOL
*****
From Mad Kane. I’m very happy to have Repartee limericks posted in both my blog and on Facebook. However, it’s very true that communication between participants is definitely much easier on Facebook. So if Tony’s inclined to join our Facebook Limerick-Off group, he’d of course be more than welcome there.
But….
That guy’s limerick had made me complain,
His cruel comments had caused hurt and pain,
I had thought he was wise,
His sexist view, I despise.
Hope he’ll see and become more humane.
There was a woman called Joan
Who felt she was never alone.
Turned out she was schiz
And one of six.
Most lights on but nobody home.
I am a guiding light
In act; Redress the plight.
We’re doing wrong
For far too long,
Now needs must put it right.
Not, “Am I willing to be the change?”
But “My life, I have rearranged.”
My action today
Helps light my way
Though unfamiliar and strange.
There was a young girl, very dowdy
Who never ever would say howdy;
Although she was plain
And full of disdain
She was noisy and very rowdy.
Donald Trump in the main
Is a narcissist, selfish and vain.
His greatest fear
Is there’s no one to cheer
So he does it himself, that’s plain.
On the Mayor’s car is his name.
The reason is clearly quite plain.
With your name on your car
You know who you are,
And cars, don’t they all look the same?
A woman always wants the last word,
The whole thing is in fact quite absurd.
I can’t really explain,
‘Cause it’s rather quite lame,
She goes on and on, quite undeterred.
There once was a nation in pain
who had to hear Mike Pence explain
how Trump, in his way,
was just like MLK
till the audience turned scatterbrain.
All these people are boarding this train
For two weeks in the sunshine of Spain.
What they haven’t been told
Is it’s wet and it’s cold;
But that’s oke as they like to complain.
For Judith, who may well revise her opinion of me, I fear. LOL!
Dear Ms J, it has always been plain,
But the point is worth making again;
The last word is, “Yes, ma’am.”
And belongs to the man.
It has ever been so, I maintain.
Two corpuscles, lovers in vein,
Struggled on but succumbed to the strain.
They were doomed from the start,
Still they strove, heart to heart;
And not once did they ever complain.
Careless of me.
Two corpuscles who, lovers in vein,
Struggled on but succumbed to the strain.
They were doomed from the start,
Still they strove, heart to heart;
And not once did they ever complain.
(Double)
While walking at night on the plain
With no lighting, she felt a sharp pain
In the nape of her neck.
“Ouch!” she cried. “What the heck?”
It was Dracula feeding again.
What on earth do they mean by “mansplain”?
I see it again and again,
But I haven’t a clue.
I shall ask my wife, Sue,
To explain – she’s the one with the brain.
For Lisi.
I have ‘Googled’ this ‘Aged Love Lane’
And it seems I can get there by plane.
At Heathrow I embark,
Next stop, ‘Lisi N’s Park’,
I look forward to coming again.
This restaurant looked rather frightful
(I hoped that my date wasn’t spiteful)
The lights were so dim
Made this joint seem so grim
Surprise! All the food was deLIGHTful!
When his buildings collapsed overnight,
All an architect’s crimes came to light.
He escaped to Stonehenge,
Where he plotted revenge
On the rival who shopped him for spite.
The bathroom light didn’t work
She didn’t see her husband, Dirk.
She sat down to pee
And heard him yell, “Whee!
Is this some new sexual quirk?”
If you turn on the lights we”ll be caught!!
Gotta steal all the jewels she bought!
“What I recommend
Is a flashlight, my friend”
“Gee, John, that’s a very BRIGHT thought”
Sweet, Noah, I never complain
So please do not think I’m a pain
On this 40 day cruise
I just don’t want the blues
So, my darling, please pray it won’t rain.
This one is better
Sweetie Noah, I never complain
And please do not think I’m a pain
For our 40 day cruise
I just don’t want the blues
So my darling, please pray it won’t rain.
Your honor, please let me explain
The moment I failed to refrain
From punching that jerk
With a dumb, little smirk
And MAGA hat hiding his brain.
Mansplaining Explained
At a forum a guy tried to mansplain,
Assuming, as a male, the great brain.
With elan described the flight;
She’d designed the satellite!
His data wasn’t even germane.
He’d gone all out to set the right mood
Soft music, and the lighting subdued
But it all went to pot
The chilli far too hot
Several trips to the toilet ensued
The mood was set, the lights turned down low
With candles giving off a warm glow
All to no avail
‘Twas an epic fail
At the sight of his tool she cried ‘No!’
For all of us oldies but goodies: Kingston Trio, “M.T.A”(song about a train)
synopsis: On a tragic and fateful day, Charlie got on the M.T.A.
He never returned and his fate was unlearned.
Now for my limerick: “Why Charlie didn’t return”
“Name’s Charlie; I stepped on a train
My story’s not hard to explain:
I never returned
Cuz my wife I have spurned
Just can’t look at that face. She’s a pain”
I got a note, “Please Explain”,
When I was terribly late again.
Though I leave really early,
All the guards are so surly,
I keep saying, “Hmm. The next train!”
At “Dumb School” we never complain
We know that there’s nothin’ to gain
Like our “Basketball Bout”
That we just did without
Cuz we cancelled it due to the rain.
Mona Lisa was just a real pain
I thought that I’d break from the strain!
I said, “Mona, SMILE!”
But all of the while
All she did was complain and complain.
Here at “Grub Chow” the lighting’s subdued
My plan was just so very shrewd!
Patrons sit in the dark
Never make a remark
And they can’t see the bugs in their food
Howard Hughes built Spruce Goose, the plane
He filmed Russell in ‘The Outlaw’, that’s Jane
What drove men demented
Was the bra he invented
‘Coz they all had tits on the brain
First grade homework is really a pain!
Didn’t do it. I had to explain:
“My pencil was haunted
It made me so daunted
That I drank 3 full jugs of champagne”
Covington students visited the National Mall,
MAGA hats were worn by some, but not all,
About a confrontation of disdain,
News did report but not explain,
And a student the media did choose to blackball.
He hassled an elderly Native American vet,
With a face to face picture showing they met,
What appeared plain,
Was truly feign,
Beating a traditional drum was the Elder, you bet.
Beating a drum in a young teen’s face,
By anyone would be a disgrace,
The lad did not complain,
But with a smile he did maintain-
his ground without fear- no, not a trace.
The media had to go nuts,
Calling the MAGA teens sluts,
racists, bigots, inhumane.
Their chosen side quite plain,
Ignoring the teen standing his ground took guts.
A legislator said MAGA caps should be outlawed,
But for “Hope and Change” shirts one should applaud,
Cell phone cameras did explain,
What happened was a stain-
on the protesters, and we should all be appalled.
For a bus the teens were just waiting,
The Native Elder vet did the baiting,
About phone cameras we could complain,
But they told the whole story one time again,
Of the teens, it was the protesters berating.
Viewing the full video it showed,
The seeds of hate the drum beater sowed,
Then it was very plain,
In the ass, he was the pain,
To the teen in a cap a media apology is owed.
The high school was closed on the Monday next,
Threats of harm and death were not a pretext,
Such hatred is a societal pain,
But there is no video to help explain,
About such a confrontation left many perplexed.
BUT then, the usual Trump bashers who spoke out,
That the teen was the hater without a doubt,
Like safety in a plane,
The video did explain,
This is the narrative the media did spout.
Now I can predict in all candor,
Some follow-up limericks to the media will pander,
Don’t want to cause pain,
Of further comments won’t complain,
Recall the old saying about the goose and the gander.
I think that this pilot’s insane!
So I gave him a look of disdain!
He sat next to me
And thus, I could see
That his cell phone was flying the plane
At “Old Biddy” the lighting’s just right
It’s dark all the day and the night
With our mirrors removed
We sure have improved
And now we’re a ravishing sight.
Accused men have been viewed with disdain
By some women who loudly complain
They were fondled a lot.
On the men it’s a blot,
And they’re groping for ways to explain.
At the bar was a blackout severe,
Caused the lighting to all disappear.
In my seat I stayed.
I was not afraid
And was glad that I had a light beer.
Kipling
Kipling, pre-World War I, did explain
How “you never get rid of the Dane;”
Trump wants cash for his wall
Or the US will fall —
It’s the same thing all over again.
A couple got onto a plane;
Airborne nookie they yearned to attain.
Neither one had a clue
How to screw in a loo.
So they winged it, to mutual gain.
When Santa bent over in pain
The doctor went on to explain:
“The x-ray we saw
Showed your back has a flaw
Inside there’s a large candy cane”
This one is better
When Santa bent over in pain
The doctor went on to explain:
“It seems that your spine
Is way out of line
Cause inside, there’s a large candy cane”
My daddy sure has a good brain!
It was Christmas and let me explain:
We all felt relief
When he strangled a thief
With a yummy and large candy cane
A rosebud smells sweet, (that is plain)
Its fragrance will soothe any pain
But nobody knew
And there just was no clue
Of its meaning to Citizen Kane.
There’s really no need to explain
How my “sweetie pie” drives me insane
But, let’s face it with “age”
John’s now at that stage
Where in bed I get poked with his cane
I was knitting, pearl and then plain
As the guillotine came down again
Shouted Robespierre
From way over there,
“It stuck, well do him again.”
Marie Antoinette looking plain
Was next, full of disdain.
“Let then eat bread,”
Was all that she said,
Only a few now remain.
Fast forward about a year
In the cart is Robespierre,
“Please let me explain,
I’ve people to name,
I beg you, just free me from here.”
Listen and I’ll slowly explain
Why as POTUS I shall remain.
They’d all like to believe
That I just deceive…
I do! To confuse their small brain.
Trump’s shutdown is all about him
Kowtowing to fright-wingers’ whim.
Fed workers are stuck
All because of this schmuck
Whose bulb runs no brighter than dim.
All was darkness. Then: “Let there be light!”
Earth was formed, and the darkness took flight.
If in light we’re created
As Scripture has stated,
Then why isn’t Man very bright?
We looked up at the sky: (Can’t be rain!)
It went fast and our eyes felt a strain!
Was it Superman? NO!
Was it birds? (not in snow!)
There it IS! Oh my GOD! It’s a PLANE!
The old mad moth myth
From the vet to the moth, “Please begone,
A cure for your madness, I’ve none.
Tonight, don’t you think
You’re needing a shrink? “
“I only came in ‘coz your light was on!”
“Air Force One”
New rules that the Pres. must maintain!
They’re not easy and might cause some pain:
Do NOT breathe a word
What you say is absurd
And no tweeting allowed on the plane.
Lord Henry The Eighth felt disdain
For his minions who’d always complain!
He chopped off their heads
Then just tore them to shreds
And refused to get out of the reign.
She caught me!! I had to explain!
I relied on my fabulous brain!
“My back has those scrapes
“Due to combat with apes
I ran fast but just could not sustain!”
I really just have to complain
Colloquial speech gives me a pain
To clean up your house
Or to comfort your spouse
But to me, the word “get” means obtain.
With agents and flashlights galore,
Now Roger is part of the score.
Since Mueller’s so near,
Trump just might need to fear
That 6 A.M. bang on the door.
Trumpty Dumpty held out for a wall
Till the airports proved Trumpty’s downfall.
For five weeks, things looked grim;
Now the spotlight’s on him,
And we revel in watching him bawl.
Said Nancy in speech most inviting
“Your address must be put into writing”
But Trumpty’s reply
Was that “You may not fly
As the airports have very poor lighting”.
Not even Trump’s doc can explain
How he lives with a lentil-sized brain,
With no smarts and no sense.
We don’t want him or Pence,
And their loss would be Nancy’s great gain.
Well, Pelosi has won, it is plain.
While Donald, the man with no brain,
Is whining and fretting,
It’s almost like getting
A competent POTUS again.
Said Trump, “Could ya turn on the lights?
It gets kinda creepy at nights.
The shadows are big,
And there’s some bloated pig
At my desk. Jeez! It gives me the frights!”
I drove to Manhattan last night
But my vision just didn’t seem right!
Later on I felt fine
Cuz I noticed a sign:
“At The End Of This Tunnel Is Light”
“Nostalgia”
In my twenties, I surely did swoon
For my Jimmy; we both sang a tune:
It goes something like this
“Please give me a kiss
And let’s dance by the light of the moon”
this is better (Nostalgia)
In my twenties I surely did swoon
For my Jimmy; he sang me a tune
It goes something like this:
“Please give me a kiss
And we’ll dance by the light of the moon”
My “wifey” just had to complain!
And tell me our sex life’s “in vain”
I was hurt (fell asleep)
Into bed she did creep
(I think she was yankin’ my chain)
“Soft music, dim lighting, and you …
You’re the love of my life. It is true,
When I see you, I’m dazed”,
Murmured Trump as he gazed
In the mirror, his favourite view.
If somebody turned up the light
The Donald would get a big fright
As when he makes faces
It’s not “off to the races”
He just isn’t seeing it right.
A change in a previous limerick: (better)
A rosebud smells sweet in the rain
Breathe it in and you just can’t complain
But nobody knew
And there wasn’t a clue
Of its meaning to Citizen Kane
almost there:GOT IT !
A rosebud smells sweet in the rain
Breathe it in and you just can’t complain
But there wasn’t a clue
And nobody knew
Of its meaning to Citizen Kane
The dominoes fall one by one;
Pretty soon, they will topple the son.
Then, the end of the chain,
When the judges explain
That the President’s first name is “Done”.
(A revised version of an earlier limerick, specially for Judith)
The Donald complained of the lighting.
“My dick looks so small, uninviting.”
Though they couldn’t pretend
It was big, in the end
Photoshop made it look more exciting.
After climaxing high in a plane
My partner got sex on the brain
She’s quite a gasper
And just faking asthma
To hide that she’s coming again
Acrostic:
It’s becoming increasingly plain:
Donald Trump’s so-called “very good brain”
Isn’t all it should be.
On the contrary, he
Tweets and rants like a man gone insane.
Our country (and this is real plain)
Is on its way right down the drain
The Donald and Pence
Shall now be known hence:
As America’s “Ache And The Pain”
As a youngster, I wasn’t too bright
The darkness just gave me a fright
But now I must say
With those bills I must pay
I am really freaked out by the light.
“Bruce Springsteen”
I was blinded by really bright light
I felt I was losing my sight!
“Revved up like a deuce”
What?? Those words ain’t got use!
And I know they were written for spite.
I messed up line 4 in a previous limerick: It should be:
Our country (and this is real plain)
Is on its way right down the drain
The Donald and Pence
Shall be known now as hence:
“America’s Ache and the Pain”
It’s a phobia I can’t explain
The minute I set foot on a plane
I scream and I shout
‘Let me out, let me out!’
As aerophobia strikes again
When T-rump commenced with his fighting,
Her answer was so uninviting.
That blundering louse
Learned the rules of her House:
Pelosi can shut down the lighting.
New rules that we all must maintain!
And some might just think it a pain
Starting today
All passengers may
Not bring any luggage on plane.
I was on stage in Snow White
When some got a bit of a fright.
The tall folk were distraught
At an electrical “short”
But us dwarfs were still in the light.
With you, I cannot complain.
I keep coming again and again.
Oh, what would I give
If you were to live,
Instead of a thick piece of rubberised cane.
So I think that I’m clever and smart
That I’ve made lying into an art.
I could complain,
But I refrain,
Those naysayers, where would I start?
If you want to be believed,
It’s how what you say is perceived.
I just delight
In saying I’m right…
And knowing that most are deceived.
I suppose that I should not complain
That our child flushed the fish down the drain;
Now it’s “closer to God”
But the fish was a cod
Now the pipe is clogged, oh, what a pain!
Is there anyone who can explain
Why this checkout is called “express lane?”
I’ve aged years standing here
In this line and I fear
I have also, alas, missed my train.
Is it a bird, is it a plane?
Oh no, it’s happening again
Another damn drone
In a no fly zone
Disruption all round, what a pain
You could say I’m a frequent flyer
I love going higher and higher
Again and again
Sex on a plane
Sets my erogenous zones on fire
Now, Donald, I’ll try to explain
“Trickle-down economics” again.
Stealing cash that’s not theirs,
They become billionaires,
And they piss on each Tom, Dick and Jane.
Mrs. Ol’bag, you catchin’ a plane?
Be careful, dear, please use your cane!
“I’m not goin’ away”
“But I come here each day”
“Cuz that pat-down just drives me insane”
“Announcement”
This “Lower Price” aircraft’s quite plain
Yet still you have something to gain!
It’s got no T.V.
Or good movies to see
But our tap dancing pilot’s real vain.
An idea from Tim James: my attempt at an acrostic for the lighting theme
L et me go to bed early, all right?
I don’t want to have one more fight!
G et those dishes real clean
H elp me with our routine
T urn off that darn lamp. Nighty night.
Another way to do the above acrostic might be a change in line 5
L et me go to bed early, alright?
I don’t want to have one more fight!
G et those dishes real clean
H elp me with the routine
T hen turn off the lamp. Nighty night
Or perhaps this one: as to not use a preposition for a stressed syllable in line four (lighting theme)
L et me go to bed early, alright?
I don’t want to have one more fight!
G et those dishes real clean
H enry, STOP being mean!
T hen turn off the lamp. Nighty night.
“PLANE” acrostic
P atty Brown has a real savvy brain
L oves to fly and she sure can explain
A viation and flight
N ever wrong; always right
E very journey is Patty’s “domain”
A man was asked to explain
His reason for going insane.
He looked at the world
The conclusion unfurled
That madness was more in the main.
A woman who’d drunk quite a bit
Lost her lights when a thunderstorm hit.
Yet all night she could see.
You ask: how can this be?
It’s not hard when you’ve gotten well-lit.
ACROSTIC: Pilot Announcement:
P lease don’t be afraid on my plane!
I t is safe. Do not leave. Just remain!
L eave the flying to me
O FF WE GO!! And you”ll see
T hat tomorrow we’ll all be in Spain!
Lighting Theme “Edna Has An Idea” acrostic
L et’s go to a place that’s real dark
I thought perhaps “Lover’s Lane Park”
G ive me just what I need
H old me close then indeed
T hat will bring back our lovely old spark
Crammed in close, thigh to thigh on the plane,
With their will to abstain on the wain,
They soon met in the loo
For a slow urgent screw,
Then toasted their lust with champagne.
ACROSTIC
P lease try not to hurt my friend Jane
L et her think that she’s pretty and vain
A girl needs to feel
I mposing so she’ll
N ot think that she’s really so plain
CHANGE IN LINE FIVE OF ABOVE ACROSTIC
P lease try not to hurt my friend Jane
L et her think that she’s pretty and vain
A girl needs to feel
I mposing so she’ll
N ot grasp that in truth she is plain
The passengers thought it was plain
That sobriety was on the wane
When they were in the queue
To go to the loo
Hearing corks popping, fizzing champagne.
They heard banging again and again,
As they waited inside to deplane.
And once out of wine,
With their lust in decline,
They were scared, so they chose to remain.
acrostic
C harlie’s becoming a pain!
H e certainly addles my brain!
E very night he runs out
A nd I scream and then shout
T hat man I just cannot restrain
For Mark Kane:
A woman had sex on the plane
With a very passionate Dane.
No English he spoke
But he sang with each poke.
She wished there had been a “refrain.”
The cows have lined up to complain
That bulls are too hard to restrain.
The cows want a pen
Without any men
So they’ll have a chance to abstain.
correction: syllable change( previous acrostic)
C arlito’s becoming a pain!
H e certainly addles my brain!
E very night he runs out
A nd I scream and then shout
T hat man I just cannot restrain
acrostic
T heresa is such a darn pain!
R uns around, (this gal ain’t got no brain)
A fter hours, when dark
M akes her way to the park
P uffs and pants like a wolf gone insane
“No way I’ll fly a commercial plane,”
The senator scoffed with disdain;
I must have private jets,
If not, send my regrets;
I won’t pay my own way, that’s insane!”
Some told her she was insane
To parachute out of a plane
With a chute with no cord
(All that she could afford);
The coroner will now explain.
Arlo sang to himself on the train
As Eric came lookin’ for cocaine;
“Sorry friend, I got none,”
He replied, “But for fun
Join me and we will sing the refrain.”
“Why are guys like you takin’ a train?”
Asked a porter, “What, no private plane?”
“Folks like us need not fly
When we want to get high!”
They said, “Plus we won’t fly in the rain.”
correction: The Rain In Spain Stays Mainly In The Plain?
Well, not exactly!
“My Fair Lady”
The mistakes in this well-know refrain
Are expressions that should not remain!
“Mainly” and “stays”
Form an incorrect phrase
Cause the rain in Spain FALLS ON the plain!
The payment for flying’s insane!
And everyone knows it won’t wane!
Extra luggage is higher
And now they require
A “carry “OFF” fee on the plane!
The “overhead” section’s a pain
It’s the worst part of taking a plane!
The latest rules say:
“Store your bags right away
With your baby who’s going insane”
There was something SO WRONG with our plane!
The pilot was going INSANE!
Seems he found a rude note
Which the Air Traffic wrote:
“Where were you LAST NIGHT ?? signed Elaine”
When driving while feeling no pain,
You’re left with no room to complain
If they haul it away.
Other prices you’ll pay –
Like walking to work in the rain.
We recommend here on this plane
A process that might seem insane:
Give your luggage a kiss
Cause surely you’ll miss
Never seeing it ever again.
CORRECTION!!
We recommend here on this plane
A process that might seem insane!
Give your luggage a kiss
Cause surely you’ll miss
Your seeing it ever again.
Now rich with their own private plane,
They cavort with no need to explain.
But their pilot’s in pain,
And dares not complain,
As their screams fuel his raging migraine.
I feel I must really explain,
Having sex on an angular plane,
Is really a test,
Of what one feels is best:
The pleasure, the act or the pain.
Trump cried fake news to explain
His Generals were misquoted he feigned
It was live TV
Not a Twitter feed
That stable genius is showing again.
This is actually true (1983) (except we were going to Aruba, but it doesn’t rhyme)
La Guardia! Where is our plane?
I thought we were going to Spain!
We slept on the floor
And heard everyone snore
Next Vacation. To Disney. By train.
My qualifications are plain
They’re proof that I’ve got a good brain!
I shall do a great job
Never dress like a slob
And I’m also a bothersome pain
IMPORTANT UPDATE:
Due to a family health situation, I have to extend this Limerick-Off by one week. The new deadline for entries is February 9 at 10 pm. ( Eastern Time)
ROAD RAGE
To badmouth but simply in vain
I truly don’t like to complain
I keep myself sane
And let my ire wane
Elsewise just what would I gain?
“Pilot Announcement”
“If you’re flying “First Class” on this plane
You never will feel any pain:
If this craft should go down
We just know you won’t frown
Cause you’ll croak while you’re sipping champagne”
Oops! I rhymed pain with pain (try again)
“If you’re flying “First Class” on this plane
You really have so much to gain:
If this craft should go down
We just know you won’t frown
Cause you’ll croak while you’re sipping champagne”
(In honor of Capt. Rosemary Mariner, U.S.N.)
Her mission was flying a plane;
In fighter jets she would remain.
Thus paving the way
For her sisters today;
Our nation had so much to gain.
“The Producer” acrostic
T he play starts; the actors “explain”
H ow charming the music refrain!
I n the back round, romancing
E ach scene lovely dancing
F at producer has so much to gain
While flying on “Not So Great” plane
The jargon just drove me insane!
“In the UNLIKELY EVENT”
Crap! I knew what that meant!
So the next time I’ll sure take the train.
Back on the plane
When flying on “Not So Great” plane
The jargon just drives me insane!
“This plane is non-stop??”
HOLY COW; CALL A COP!
Or we’ll end up on Troposphere Lane!
Some road signs are really insane!
Now please let me try to explain!
There’s just one you MUST read
That says, “Please Take Heed !
This street may get wet due to rain”
We seniors all have a great brain
For instance, please let me explain:
We don’t need T.V.
Or the paper to see
Precisely just when it will rain.
We seniors will never complain!
Cause there’s NOTHING that we can’t retain!
And when we forget
We do not get upset
It’s just a small fart of the brain.
(Third Grade Acrostic Quiz)
T ake this quiz, kids, now just use your brain
R opes and horses no longer remain
A nd YIKES! some high-speed
I t’s real fast, guaranteed!
N ow electric. No more to explain
Doctor Jones gave me pills for my pain
He said I’ll no longer complain
If those meds really worked
I wouldn’t feel irked
And my wife would no longer remain
No, I never heard of him either, maybe we could adopt him as our patron.
A Norseman in Ireland, a pain
Munster people were under his reign
His heirs are called Paddy
But who was the daddy?
It’s Ivar of Limerick, the Dane!
I desperately tried to explain
My attempt was sadly in vain
She’d heard it all before
I got kicked out the door
My cheating’s cost me yet again
As soon as you’re up in the sky,
Attendants come pleasantly by.
First-class on a plane
Earns a happy refrain;
It should, since the steaks are so high.
Airline hostesses must use their brain
And remember to always maintain
Their composure and calm
In case there’s a bomb
And parachute out that damn plane
She played us a joyful refrain
On her flute as she quaffed some champagne
But imbibing the bubbles
She encountered some troubles
Her error was patently plain.
Airline Hostesses
Airline hostesses never complain
Even though they are under a strain
They use certain “code words”
For annoying damn turds
“Be right back” is one common refrain
Airline Hostess Announcement:
I don’t mean to be a big pain
But “no cell phone use” here on this plane!!
I’ll return in a bit
I must get to the “pit”
And text to my lovey dove, Wayne
She told him “It’s hard to explain;
Arousal I now have to feign.
Perhaps that your beard,
So lengthy and weird,
Keeps straying outside of its lane.”
Her clapping? Well, let me explain:
His SOTU address was a pain.
She had to resort;
Reading Mueller’s report
Announcing the end of his reign.
My name is Donald the Chump,
And my ratings have dropped with a whump.
Would you kindly explain
This ratings game,
And why mine continue to slump.
Two very similar…
It’s a little hard to explain
Why I was naked, out in the rain.
So I won’t even bother
And you’ll discover
A mystery it shall remain.
It’s a pretty hard to explain
Why I was naked, out in the rain.
Number one rule of thumb
It’s best to stay schtum
So a mystery it shall remain.
I prefer the second one
So, I don’t like their views
So I simply call it Fake News.
If I were to complain
Those views would remain,
So my tactic helps them diffuse.
So Tiffany had a leg sprain
As she tripped when pushed off the train.
She felt like a dolt,
It was her own fault,
She tried very hard to explain.
Would I be the first to complain
If Trump were elected again?
Not if popular vote,
That’s “Popular”, note,
Said, “Donald, as Prezzie, remain.”
Acer, maple and plane
In summer, look much the same
In the fall, different story
They show all their glory
And delight leaf peepers in Main
Drake sailed the Old Spanish Main
Taking gold from Philip of Spain
But against the Armada
He returned to fight harder
Pirate or hero? explain
It seems that they met on a train
It was KISMET! Just let me explain:
He said, “You look tired”
(Her heart he desired)
And now they are “M & M Kane”
ll in response to Mark Kane.
In response to Mark G Kane’s airborne suite of limericks:
That pilot who had a migraine
Took a powder to cover his pain
As the orgy went on
He dressed in chiffon
Sayin’ I auto not look quite so plain.
“Captain Boozy”
The pilot announced with great pain:
“We just cannot make it to Spain!
“I’m a little bit tight
“So today for this flight
“We’ll be landing on “Grand Tipsy Plain”
” The Rhyming Poem” (acrostic)
W e all know it’s really quite plain
O ur passion for writing’s a drain!
“Rhyming Poems” are tough
D id we all have enough?
S urely NOT! Are you MAD ly insane?
A man used his dick for his brain —
He lived in Maine, Spain, or Spokane
Fort Wayne or Champlain,
Brisbane or Ukraine;
I don’t think I need to explain.
My mom says she hates to complain
Yet she does it again and again
And again and again
And again and again
And again and again and again.
There once was a lady so glum;
Her boobs would light up when she’d come
Her lover’d remark
“Why did it stay dark?”
To which she would just answer, “Um.”
There once was a fellow from Hyde
Whose dick would light up when he lied
He said, “You’re the first”
In light the room burst
And now she’s no longer his bride.
“I get it, there’s no need to explain!
You are trying to hijack this plane;
And you want my cash, too?
Here it is, all for you!
You can take my wife too, her name’s Jane.”
“Fifty years I have suffered in vain
While my husband here drove me insane!
Now he says, ‘Take my wife!’
Great! we’ll start a new life
Together — take my bag, where’s my cane?”
“Thank you Madam! Please tell me your name!
And how you made that bad man leave this plane;
Well, whatever you said
That made him jump instead
You have saved us all! Now on to Spain!”
Sorry Kathleen, different lady altogether.
Her language has become quite profane
And I’m finding it hard to explain
She’s just being silly
I know her name’s Jillie
But during sex, I shouted out “JANE ! “
A fellow who lived in Champaign
(That’s a town on an Illinois plain)
Said, “This place ain’t all that.
It’s cold and it’s flat,
Like my ex ― but costs less to maintain.”
She used to be the love of my life
But now she’s just trouble and strife
Does nowt but complain
Again and again
My dear sweet soon to be ex-wife!
This phobia is becoming a pain
The minute I set foot on a plane
I scream and I shout
‘Let me out, let me out!’
As aerophobia strikes again
“The Fighting Illini” (for Tim James)
Please do not make fun of Champaign!
Listen closely; I now shall explain:
It’s a town that just rocks
And will knock off your socks
Cause “The Big Ten” will always remain!
I’m baffled; there’s something not right
My concern has to do with the night
Some say, “after dark”
What a puzzling remark!
Cause the night is just right “after light”
To base instincts he’d just been reverting
But claimed he’d only been flirting
Risking shame and backlash
He was betrayed by the flash
The new penalty’s high for ‘up skirting’
In confession he asks “Is it sin
To want to be her and not him”?
The penance – “Light rockets
In both trouser pockets”
And now it Julie, not Jim
Diane Groothuis and I had some fun with the current Limerick-Off, enjoy!
. . . Mark posted:
Crammed in close, thigh to thigh on the plane,
With their will to abstain on the wain,
They soon met in the loo
For a slow urgent screw,
Then toasted their lust with champagne.
. . . Diane Groothuis replied:
The passengers thought it was plain
That sobriety was on the wane
When they were in the queue
To go to the loo
Hearing corks popping, fizzing champagne.
. . . Mark replied:
They heard banging again and again,
As they waited inside to deplane.
And once out of wine,
With their lust in decline,
They were scared, so they chose to remain.
. . . Diane Groothuis replied:
If you MUST misbehave on a plane
Imbibing excess of champagne
You can try an upgrade
And the cubicle’s made
For comfort and sex for those payin’.
. . . Mark replied:
Now rich with their own private plane,
They cavort with no need to explain.
But their pilot’s in pain,
And dares not complain,
As their screams fuel his raging migraine.
. . . Diane Groothuis replied:
That pilot who had a migraine
Took a powder to cover his pain
As the orgy went on
He dressed in chiffon
Sayin’ I ought not look quite so plain.
. . . Mark replied:
With computers now flying the plane,
The pilot walked down to explain
That he wished to join in,
Because THREE was no sin,
So perhaps they could all “Daisy Chain?”
. . . Diane Groothuis replied:
As they started the long “Daisy Chain”
The intent of the pilot was plain
Though looking so slinky,
His moves were too “kinky”
So they chuted him down to ” Bris- BANE)
. . . Mark replied:
Then the two finished up with some strain.
Try again? No this time he’d abstain,
As he took back control,
With the one simple goal
Of carefully landing their plane.
. . . Diane Groothuis replied:
THE END!
‘Sylvester Stallone” (acrostic)
R emarkable! someone so plain
O f a back round with sorrow and pain
C ompetes with a champ
K eeps a grin like a scamp
Y et CHEERS for a minimal gain!
Mad: line 5 of above limerick: Y et CHEERS! with just minimal gain
should be “Y et CHEERS for a minimal gain!
Could you change that for me?
Thank You
Lisi
*******
Done.
Sexual relations did not take place
Said Bill Clinton, pleading his case
But how could he explain
Monica’s telltale stain
That came back to hit him in the face?
Thanks so much everyone for another fun Limerick-Off. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 315. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Deal.