Do you cringe at the very sight of yet another bewildering privacy policy? I offer, as a public service, my extremely unofficial guide to privacy policies:
What It Says: Our goal is to maintain individual anonymity and personal privacy.
What It Really Means: Our goal is to keep the Feds off our back.
What It Says: Web surfers may opt-out of providing Non-Personally Identifiable Data by following the opt-out procedures set forth below.
What It Really Means: Web surfers may opt-out of providing Non-Personally Identifiable Data by following the opt-out procedures set forth below assuming they can:
(a) find them;
(b) understand them; and
(c) complete them before being knocked off line.
What It Says: If a web surfer has elected to provide Personally-Identifiable Data, that data may be used to assist with targeting ads to that web surfer’s preferences and behaviors and for other sales and marketing efforts.
What It Really Means: If a web surfer can't afford a lawyer to translate our 3700 word privacy policy and, consequently, has provided Personally-Identifiable Data, that data may be used any way we want to including, but not limited to, an appearance on a Times Square billboard next New Year's Eve.
What It Says: We have a strict internal security policy with respect to the confidentiality of customer and other data, limiting access to only those employees who have a need to know such information for the purpose of effectively delivering our products and services.
What It Really Means: We have a strict internal security policy with respect to the confidentiality of customer and other data, limiting access to only those employees who have a need to know such information for the purpose of effectively delivering our products and services. However, due to a high-tech labor shortage, employees with a need to know will probably include ex-cons.
What It Says: Cookies help us provide a more fulfilling, results oriented experience on the web, increasing the amount of relevant data viewed by web surfers.
What It Really Means: Cookies help us provide a more fulfilling, results oriented experience on our Income Statements.
What It Says: A web surfer may choose to opt-out of receiving the benefits associated with our use of cookies at any time by following a simple procedure to manually delete his or her cookies. Web surfers should refer to their respective browser’s user manual for instructions on taking such action.
What It Really Means: A web surfer may choose to opt-out of receiving the benefits associated with our use of cookies at any time by following a simple procedure to manually delete his or her cookies, if he:
a. can locate and/or lift his user's manual; and
b. is willing to risk removing essential data from his hard drive.
What It Says: We share certain Personally-Identifiable Data and Non-Personally Identifiable Data with several partners listed below. You may wish to refer to their privacy policies for further information.
What It Really Means: We share certain Personally-Identifiable Data and Non-Personally Identifiable Data with more than thirty partners listed below, whose privacy policies are even more onerous and confusing than ours, and who change them at least once a week for sport.
What It Says: We are very sensitive to the issue of children's privacy and make every effort to protect the privacy of children surfing the web. If you believe your child has provided us with Personally-Identifiable data and you would like to have it removed, we will do so immediately at your request.
What It Really Means: We think protecting children is the parents' responsibility. However, the "Powers That Be" told us we have to pretend to be sensitive to the issue of children's privacy. So if you believe your child provided us with Personally-Identifiable Data while you were falling down on the job, we will remove it immediately at your request, even though it's all your fault.
What It Says: We make every effort to maintain the security of our network and the data we collect. However, no data transmission over the Internet can be guaranteed to be 100% secure. As a result, while we strive to protect your personal information, we cannot ensure or warrant the security of any information you transmit to us, and you do so at your own risk.
What It Really Means: We make every effort to maintain the security of our network and the data we collect. But if anything goes wrong, we'll blame Bill Gates.
