I can’t imagine that you Southern Republicans are falling for Mitt Romney’s grits-liking pander. But here’s a limerick, just in case any of you think “unofficial Southerner” Romney is being sincere with “y’all.”
A Limerick Letter To Southern Republicans
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Romney’s playing an “out of town game,”
By pretending that he’s just the same
As you Southern state folks.
He likes grits? What a hoax,
With duping “y’all” voters his aim.
Rick Santorum’s campaign is stunningly inept in its failure to qualify for sundry ballots.
Yes, I know that Santorum’s campaign is woefully under-funded. And that he never expected to get this far. But at some point, I can’t help wondering whether Santorum is using the faith-based method of ballot qualification.
Of course all this begs the question: Why the heck can’t Mitt Romney finish him off?
Limerick Ode To An Endless Republican Primary
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Rick Santorum’s campaign is inept,
Under-funded, abysmally prepped.
Yet the contest is split:
Hairline wins made by Mitt
Where the Gov should have easily swept.
What Romney Wants, What He Really, Really Wants (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Mitt Romney would love all this over:
Nomination sewn up, in like clover,
All primed for a fight
To be Prez with the right
To ride Limo One topped with Rover.
Limerick Ode To Super Tuesday
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Super Tuesday’s arrived at long last.
Will Mitt’s wins be decisively vast?
Will his delegate count
Impressively mount,
Thereby ending the press fun too fast?
I’m starting to think Ann Romney doesn’t want to be First Lady. Why else would someone with a family net worth of $250 million make stupidly transparent remarks like this?
“We can be poor in spirit, and I don’t even consider myself wealthy, which is an interesting thing, it can be here today and gone tomorrow.”
Poor Mitt (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dear Mitt, you should tell your wife, Ann,
To stop trying to help out her man.
For your cause, it ain’t healthy
To claim you ain’t wealthy:
Ann’s not feeling rich doesn’t scan.
Did you know that higher education is snobbish and elitist? And that it causes liberal indoctrination? That’s the message we’ve been getting lately from Republicans like Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney. They each have a trio of college degrees … but hey, who’s counting? In fact, why even bother learning to count?
Yes, indeed, there’s a Republican war on college education:
First came Mitt Romney’s dismissive remarks about President Obama’s “faculty lounge” pals. Now Rick Santorum is calling Obama snobby for urging people to go to college – and defending that view in a series of TV appearances.
Education — Schmeducation (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
“Don’t bother your miniscule head
With college — don’t need higher ed.”
That’s the Rick and Mitt screed,
Though they’re multi-degreed.
Informed-voters — yes, that’s what they dread.
Limerick Ode To Mitt “Man Of The People” Romney
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dear Romney, your essence is “rich.”
Your attempts to “relate” are a stitch.
So nobody buys
Your fake empathy tries.
It seems playacting isn’t your niche.
Dear Mitt, A Limerick Love Note
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dear Mitt, I’m enjoying your height.
Not too tall. Not too short. You’re just right.
And I also adore
That your cars number “four.”
Please forgive me for being so trite.
Imagine giving a speech in a stadium meant to hold 65,000 people. Now imagine only 1,200 people showing up.
If you want to see what that looks like, check out this photo of Mitt Romney’s speech in Detroit’s Ford Stadium.
Mitt Romney is holding an event at Ford Stadium which has failed to attract enough people to come even close to filling it up (in fact, you could fit Romney’s 1,200 person crowd in the 65,000-seat stadium 54 times over).
Mitt Romney’s Taxing Crowd Numbers (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Just twelve-hundred folks in a place
Meant for sixty-five-thousand. Bare space!
That’s Mitt in Detroit:
Romney’s team ain’t adroit,
And poor Mitt has a very small base.
Talking heads are always spouting theories, so why can’t I? This one’s for those who think Ron Paul’s being suspiciously nice to Mitt Romney:
A G(Rand) VEEP Scheme? (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Does Ron Paul have a plan rather grand
In helping Mitt further his brand?
Maybe Mitt promised Paul:
“If you’ll kindly play ball,
Then I’ll hand the V.P. slot to Rand.”
In case all those ads haven’t clued you in, Presidents Day is nearly here. To celebrate, I’ve written a pair of clerihews for would-be presidents Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum. What’s a clerihew? A whimsically biographical four-line poem, more fully described here.
Willard Mitt Romney
Has wealth that’s omni.
But he’s stiff as a yoke.
Kindly give that man a toke.
*****
Ricky Santorum
Loves his forum.
Being prez is his quest
In a knit sweater vest.
(My set of eight Eight 4-Liners For The Initial Republican Contenders is here.)
What century is this? The aggressive anti-contraception GOP stance makes me wonder whether I bought the wrong calendar.
Rick Santorum, a man who’s dangerously close to snatching the Republican presidential nomination away from Mitt Romney, apparently wants to preside over an antediluvian America: Here’s Santorum explaining why he wants to fight “the dangers of contraception:”
It’s not okay because it’s a license to do things in the sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.
And Rick is far from the only bedroom-obsessed Republican. GOP over-reach regarding contraception is approaching epic proportions:
Last week, Freshman Senator Roy Blunt (R-MO) filed legislation to allow any employer, religiously affiliated or not, to refuse to cover any essential or preventive health service, not just contraceptives, based on the “religious belief or moral conviction” of the employer. Word from DC is that Blunt and allies will attempt to add the provision as an amendment to other legislation now moving through the Senate….
The fact that American voters are overwhelmingly pro-birth control is apparently irrelevant to Republican politicians.
Perhaps a limerick might help Republican pols get the message:
Dear Bedroom-Invading Republicans (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dear Republican pols, please abstain
From ent’ring my bedroom domain.
And also stay out
Of my bathroom. Don’t pout!
If you’re truly “small gov,” you’ll refrain.
Pity the poor political journalist (or political satirist), who must conjure up constant commentary about a race that’s effectively over.
So it’s no wonder that the media’s in a tizzy over the Rick Santorum Sweep … even though it yielded Rick zero delegates.
Rick Gives Them Something To Talk About (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The press was beginning to mope.
But Santorum’s three wins offer hope
That the race isn’t done,
Mitt may NOT be the one.
But does Rick stand a chance? Answer: Nope!
This headline is funny, but not surprising: Donald Trump Takes Credit For Mitt Romney’s Big Win In Nevada:
“There was a lot riding on that particular race in Nevada and it was interesting, because the numbers were much, much greater than you thought,” Trump gloated. “And a lot of people are giving me credit for that. And I will accept that credit.”
Here’s the limerick that Romney staffers talked Mitt out of sending:
The Limerick Romney Wanted To Send Trump
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dear Donald, big thanks for your backing,
But I fear that your modesty’s lacking.
My win in Nevada
Was ME. You did NADA!
I regret I did not send you packing.
I’ve finally figured out how Newt plans to populate the moon: He’ll catapult the poor onto the moon via trampolines.
Yes, I know that sounds crazy. But I can’t think of any other explanation for this nutty Newt quote:
I really believe that we should care about the very poor, unlike Governor Romney. But I believe we should care very differently from Barack Obama….What the poor need is a trampoline so they can spring up, so I am for replacing the safety net with a trampoline.
Limerick Ode To Newt Lunacy
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The safety net’s bad, prattles Newt,
Suggesting we give it the boot.
From his odd bag of tricks,
Newt throws this in the mix:
Trampolines — out-of-poverty route.
There’s been lots of talk about this Mitt Romney gaffe: “I’m not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there. If it needs repair, I’ll fix it.”
But as Ezra Klein points out, the problem with Mitt Romney isn’t his gaffes, it’s his policies, which would dig a deep hole in that safety net.
Keep The Safety Net Safe From Mitt Romney (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Find some holes in the safety net? “Fix it!”
That’s how hypocrite Romney depicts it.
But we’re onto Mitt’s game
And his policy aim:
What his policies do is deep-six it.
Will Trump endorse Newt? Will The Donald go with Mitt? Will Donald Trump fire himself from The Apprentice so he can run for president as a third-party candidate?
At long last, all that heady speculation has ended.
Trump Endorses Romney – Election Over (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Donald Trump had been sending up flares.
His endorsement speech finally airs:
Despite all that’s been writ,
He is going with Mitt.
I have only one question: Who cares?
Some Republicans are worried they’ll be saddled with a brokered convention. And Newt Gingrich’s statement is upping their anxiety:
With just one full day of campaigning left until the Florida primary and polls indicating that Mitt Romney has substantially widened his lead in the Sunshine State, Newt Gingrich told reporters Sunday he is prepared to fight out the Republican presidential nomination all the way to a brokered convention.
“We have no evidence yet that Romney anywhere is coming close to getting a majority and I think when you take all the non-Romney votes, it’s very likely that at the convention there will be a non-Romney majority and maybe a very substantial one. My job is to convert that into a Gingrich majority,” Gingrich said.
Brokered Convention Blues (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The thought of a brokered convention
Is creating Republican tension:
Will Mitt’s delegate count
Sufficiently mount
If Newt nixes a prez run suspension?
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her non-political humor blog, or stop by her home page.
