Headline of the Day: “Energy Secretary Rick Perry Says Fossil Fuels Can Prevent Sexual Assault”
What can help prevent sexual assault?
“Fossil fuels,” proclaims Rick. Oy, gevalt!
Keeping track of the crap
That spews from each trap
Of Trump’s crew proves they lie by default.
Headline of the Day: “Energy Department climate office bans use of phrase ‘climate change.’”
How does Donald hold danger at bay?
By deeming some terms not okay
To include in a writing,
Like “climate change” — fighting
Big problems the censorship way!
I’ve finally figured out what qualifies former Texas governor Rick Perry to be Energy Sec: He’s an energetic dancer.
Anyone who believes Perry is qualified to lead the Department of Energy, probably makes this association: “Texas equals oil equals energy.” What a shame that energy resources like oil and gas are handled by a totally different agency: The Department of Interior.
So what’s the main job of the department Trump wants Perry to lead? Hint: sciencey stuff involving nuclear weapons and waste.
What qualifies Perry to be
Donald’s Energy Sec? Here’s my plea:
Kindly don’t mention oil.
(Oil’s Interior’s toil.)
As for Rick’s gig, nuke know-how is key.
A Department of Energy? Why?
I forget what it’s called, but goodbye!
That was Rick Perry’s view.
Now the “Oops!” guy’s Trump’s new
Pick to lead it. Are both fellows high?
What Can They Be Thinking? (2-Verse Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Gilmore’s entered the race. What a snore!
(Does the GOP really need MORE?)
Sixteen guys and one gal–
Most with no rationale
For believing they’ll get to the fore.
Just what keeps them all willing to stump,
As their poll numbers tumble and slump?
While they stand at the brink,
I suppose most pols think:
“I must surely be better than Trump!”
The Republican presidential contender position re federal minimum wage ranges from abolition (Rick Perry and Marco Rubio) to keeping it frozen at $7.25 forever (Jeb Bush’s clarified position, according to the AP.)
Minimum Wage Wars
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Shall we raise the fed minimum wage?
Just the thought makes Republicans rage.
Then there’s Rubio and Perry
Who’d love to make merry
By scrapping that federal gauge.
Most Want President to Have a High School Diploma
A new Public Opinion Polling survey finds that 62% of voters think it’s important for the President to have a high school diploma, compared to only 31% who think it doesn’t matter.
Interesting: “There’s a large partisan divide on the issue: Democrats by an 81%-14% spread think it’s important, while Republicans are evenly divided on the matter at 45%-45%.”
When asked to respond to this poll, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker said, “Only elitists and ISIS supporters would buy into that requirement, whereas Senator Rand Paul said, “Have I mentioned that I’m a doctor?”
Former Texas Governor Rick Perry, a fellow presidential hopeful, disagreed with both men, saying “Don’t glasses make me look smart?”
*****
UPDATE: I was chagrined to learn that my column has fallen afoul of Poe’s Law. What the heck is Poe’s Law? The “literary adage which stipulates that without a clear indicator of an author’s intended sarcasm it becomes impossible to tell the difference between an expression of sincere extremism and a parody of extremism.”
So for anyone who read this and accepted the poll as real and/or any of the quotes as real, this is hundred percent parody. It was inspired by an actual poll related to whether people believe a U.S. President should have a college degree.
UPDATE 2:
Poe’s Law compressed into a haiku:
In extremist times
reality/parody
appear to have merged.
Can you imagine Republicans ever questioning the legitimacy of a criminal case against a Democrat? Alas, that would take intellectual honesty. So don’t hold your breath.
On the other hand, many Democrats are openly questioning whether Rick Perry’s sleazy behavior rose to the level of a criminal act. As for me…
What’s a crime can be sometimes unclear.
Yes the law is confusing, I fear.
I’m a lawyer, but still
I’ve no skill, nor the will
To predict if this case will cohere.
Although Texas Governor Rick Perry hasn’t announced yet, it’s pretty clear that he’s planning to run for the GOP presidential nomination. Now I don’t know about you, but I’m looking forward to some more juicy “oops” moments.
Amusing bits like this will probably be the least of it:
Perry seemed pumped up after his enthusiastic, heckle-free reception at the Register’s Soapbox. When the Register’s moderator thanked him as he came off the stage, Perry said: “You’re welcome. I’m awesome!”
Limerick Ode To “Awesome” Rick Perry
By Madeleine Begun Kane
“You’re welcome. I’m awesome!” said Perry.
Oops, was Perry pumped up? I’d say, “Very!”
Seems another prez run
By that man will be fun.
No debate, Rick will help us make merry.
Texas Governor Rick Perry, whose reputation hasn’t recovered from his presidential campaign debacle, is trying to bolster his right-wing cred with an attack on gays. Perry, an Eagle Scout, “said emphatically Saturday that the Boy Scouts of America should not soften its strict policy barring gay members, and dismissed the idea of bending the organization to the whims of ‘popular culture.’”
Eagle Scout Perry’s Bald Wingnut Pander (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A new policy may be conferred
By the Boy Scouts. At least, that’s the word.
But Eagle Scout Rick
Thinks this change would be sick:
He’d keep flipping gay Boy Scouts the bird.
In case you’re asking
why Rick Perry has dropped out:
Donors talked Turkey.
*****
My head is spinning
from Republican debates.
I’m begging — please stop!
*****
View pols with caution.
Review records and viewpoints.
Behold all the lies.
*****
Brilliance from pols?
No reason to expect it.
Saneness would be nice.
*****
You’ve probably heard that Rick Perry’s idiotic debate remarks, claiming Turkey is run by Islamic terrorists, led to a diplomatic incident. But did you know it inspired George W. Bush to send Rick Perry this limerick?
Limerick Letter From George W. Bush To Rick Perry
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dear Rick, I’ve been meaning to write,
Cuz I watch you debate with delight.
And your Turkey faux pas:
What a laugh — Ha! Ha! Ha!
Thanks for making me look really bright!
Rick Perry’s latest “oops” moment reminds me of this old SNL parody debate line: “It was my understanding that there would be no math.”
I’m referring to Perry’s “impressive” U.S. budget cut pledge:
Rick Perry made another slip on Saturday when he pledged to cut a whopping $5 trillion from President Barack Obama’s proposed budget – a number which is $1.3 million higher than Obama’s total budget, CBS News reported.
Limerick Ode To Math-Challenged Perry
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Perry’s “oops” lines continue to mount.
Of wisdom the guy ain’t a fount:
Touts a huge budget cut
Which exceeds the whole nut.
Guess we don’t need a prez who can count.
A Trump-moderated Republican debate? Even Karl Rove says it’s a terrible idea.
Damn! Me — agreeing with Karl Rove. That’s seriously scary!
Meanwhile, Mitt Romney did the classy thing, for once, adding his name to the list of candidates who’ve declined the Trump Debate Invite. So far, Ron Paul, Jon Huntsman, and Romney have declined to participate, while Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum have accepted.
Limerick Ode To The Immoderate Donald Trump
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Debate moderation’s an art,
And practitioners need to be smart,
Diplomatic, well versed—
In the topic immersed.
Donald Trump? Not just bad. Off the chart!
UPDATE: Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus has come out against the Donald Trump debate, citing as his reason Trump’s ongoing flirtation with an independent run for president. Additionally Perry has now declined his debate invitation.
Herman Cain’s Gone, But The Mockery Carries On (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Herman Cain has dropped out of contention
With his primary contest suspension.
But there’s plenty to mock:
Perry’s gaffes and Mitt’s shock
At the cocky Newt Gingrich ascension.
Rick Perry’s apparent solution to his inability to debate seems to be: Avoid debates!
Yet Another Rick Perry Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A message from Perry’s team states
He might skip the remaining debates.
Stay in hiding and pout
When you can’t win a bout?
More cratering poll news awaits.
It’s time for some more political clerihews — whimsically biographical four-line poems, described more fully here.
I’ve written one for each of the would-be presidents who appeared at last night’s Republican debate:
Mass. Governor Mitt,
A job cutting hit.
He flips and he flops,
As positions he swaps.
*****
Herman “9-9-9” Cain:
(Romney hopes he’ll wane)
Though many think he rocks,
He belongs on Fox.
*****
James Richard Perry:
Is he bright? Not very.
A lousy debater—
Called Bernanke a traitor.
*****
Unhinged Michele
Is sinking pell-mell.
Even crazier than Palin—
Just what is she inhalin’?
*****
Former Speaker Newt,
A pompous beaut.
Purports to be intellectual,
At selling books effectual.
*****
Rick Santorum
Seems lost in this forum.
He’s none too calm
Over his Google Bomb.
*****
Libertarian Ron Paul
Is having a ball.
Doesn’t stand a chance.
But enjoys the dance.
*****
Jon Huntsman jokes
But can not coax
Any support for his reign.
He’s way too sane.
*****
The Republican powers-that-be never liked Mitt Romney. And they’re beginning to panic over Rick Perry’s abysmal debate performances. So they’re back to wooing the obnoxious New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, despite his lengthy list of flaws:
The Crass Chris Christie Craze (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Some powerful GOP men
Are wooing Chris Christie again.
So why do these guys
Think a Chris-run is wise?
They’ve contracted a nasty-man yen.
Just when you thought they couldn’t stoop any lower, Republican presidential wannabes like Mitt Romney, Rick Perry, Sarah Palin, and Michele Bachmann are lining up to kiss Donald Trump’s … uh … ring. After all, nothing says presidential like a Donald Trump endorsement.
Wooing The Donald (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Some Republicans hope for a bump
In their polls if endorsed by Don Trump.
Here’s a warning for those
Who are kissing his toes:
Self-promotion’s “Goal 1” for that grump.
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her non-political humor blog, or stop by her home page.
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