BBC News: “Fox News host Pete Hegseth has confessed on air that he has not washed his hands for 10 years because ‘germs are not a real thing'”.
A fellow on Fox, known as Pete,
Says that germs don’t exist. So don’t greet
That odd man. Take a stand;
He won’t wash either hand!
(I’m not sure what he does with his feet.)
For the record, Hegseth now claims he was joking, but just in case…
Headline: “Trump Brags To Troops About A Fictional Giant Pay Raise He Got Them”
Dear Donald, by lying to troops,
You dishonor and treat them like dupes.
Your “regime” is a mess,
And you menace the press…
Though you DO provide plenty of scoops.
*****
Covert deployment
has been revealed by Donald
who can’t be trusted.
Headline: “Kellyanne Conway complains to Fox News about getting “shut down” on CNN”
Kellyanne has the chutzpah to frown
And complain CNN shuts her down.
But when Conway appears there
She breaks lie-frontiers there;
That Queen of Deceit goes to town!
Pundits tell us to exercise care
Re subpoenas; that Dems should beware
Of behavior too zealous.
Great caution they’d sell us…
Just like GOP warnings they’d air???
Trump’s latest conspiracy theory
(And they all make me terribly weary)
Is that Google is biased;
Bad press appears highest!
Poor Trump — fact-based news makes him teary.
Headline: “Media boost security as Trump ramps up ‘enemy’ rhetoric”
When the media covers Trump rallies,
It’s as risky as ent’ring dark allies.
Donald’s shown us his cards,
So the press now needs guards
Due to menacing crowds and threat tallies.
White House briefings don’t give us the news.
No instead they spread self-serving views
And start lie-fest infernos.
They demonize journos.
Why attend them? The press should refuse.
Donald Trump took a shine to Bill Shine;
Ailes-ally, ex-Fox Newser swine.
Now he’s hired the guy
For a staff job way high,
Cuz to Donald misogyny’s fine.
Donald constantly bashes the press,
Which adds to the media’s stress
And imperils their lives;
With his words Trump contrives
To inspire his base to aggress.
Headline: “Trump grumbles that North Korea deal not earning wide praise”
My deals are the best! They’re top drawer!
I’ve saved millions from nuclear war.
So where is my credit?
Fake News of course shred it.
I’ll sue till they tell me, “J’adore!”
Jennifer Rubin: “I honestly see no reason for the daily press conference. If she lies it is pointless.”
Dear journos, explain: Why attend
Sanders’ pressers? She lies without end.
There is naught to be gained
From “info” that’s feigned.
Do your homework, make calls, phone a friend.
Headline: “Sinclair producer in Nebraska resigns to protest ‘obvious bias'”
The Trump-loving owner Sinclair
Mandates talking points over the air;
Outlets MUST yell “Fake News”
To dupe and confuse.
The target’s all media that’s fair.
PoliticalWire Headline: “The Conservative War on the Media Backfires”
Republican pols have been training
Their voters, through lie-packed complaining,
To reject any news
That might challenge their views–
A great aid to Moore’s Senate campaigning.
Is Donald a threat to free press?
Well of course my response must be yes.
But much more is in peril
From President Feral;
There’s no end to his menacing mess.
*****
As I train my brain
on our Oval Office bane,
staying sane’s a strain.
*****
Donald Trump’s always fighting a war on
The media, trying to score on
The press via Twitter.
The fellow’s a bitter
And nasty old man and a MORON!
Unsupportive opinions? Flake views!
Unflattering numbers? A ruse!
No matter the topic,
The Donald’s myopic;
If it isn’t pro-Trump, it’s “Fake News!”
I’ve gathered into a single batch loads of limericks and other (mostly Trump-related) humor I wrote during the summer of 2017, while recovering from wrist surgery:
*****
I suspect there’s a hole in Trump’s soul;
Donald pardoned a bigoted troll,
Deeming racism kosher.
(What act could be gaucher?)
Bias AIN’T just okay. It’s Trump’s goal.
*******
An unqualified Trump aide named Gorka,
Who’s despised by most ev’ry New Yorkuh,
Has been dumped. Will he rail
In a big pay-day tale?
I’m betting his story’s a corkuh.
*********
Alas, Harvey is fixing to mow
Through Texas, a menacing blow.
Trump’s FEMA’s done little;
Just talk laced with spittle.
But at least, Donald’s helped Sheriff Joe.
*****
Life With Mark and Madeleine:
Mark: I love NPR, except for late afternoons.
Madeleine: What’s the problem?
Mark: Each time I tune in, I hear the same damn story!
Madeleine: Maybe they should call it “One Thing Considered.”
*****
“Alex Jones calls Charlottesville violence a false flag, because alternative facts are still a thing”
What to do when your allies are caught
Doing wrong, and you fear all’s for naught?
There’s the Infowars’ chestnut:
Yes Jones is the best nut
To hatch “false flag” claims, overwrought.
*****
Oval Office blight;
Hope’s plummeting out of sight.
Can’t succumb to plight!
*****
I have run out of patience with those
Who voted for Trump. Your vote blows!
If you still like the guy,
Please do NOT explain why.
I don’t care; You’re to blame for our woes!
*****
Sarah Huckabee Sanders: “The President is probably one of the strongest presidents we’ve had on economic issues.”
So true! Which Is why I can’t wait for Trump’s forthcoming treatise:
Strong Dollar/ Weak Dollar: Which One’s Better?
*****
Trump Advisor: A quick question, Mr. President, before you leave for golf: Any thoughts on naming an Ambassador to South Korea?
Trump: Absolutely not! No ambassador until they stop building nukes!
Trump Advisor: Sir, I’m pretty sure North Korea’s the one with the nukes.
Trump: Double check and get back to me. But first, where are my clubs?
*****
“POTUS has been briefed on [Hurricane] Harvey’s progress, as well as preparations, by his Homeland Security Advisor, Tom Bossert.”
Bossert: Harvey’s headed to Texas, but things are under…
Trump: Paul Harvey! Great radio guy! But isn’t he dead?
*****
Trump’s White House (from Cab Secs to VEEP)
Is so lawless, I just want to weep.
Take the Hatch Act; Ben’s speech
Last night was a breach.
My advice? Plead “I spoke in my sleep.”
(Ben Carson Hatch Act Phoenix Rally)
*****
“Trump to Congress: Fund the Wall or I’ll Shut the Government”
Donald thinks he has magical powers
To bully, till ev’ryone cowers:
“Build my wall!” (His first love)
“Or I’ll shut down the gov!”
No, not Mexico’s government! Ours!
*****
Trump’s Phoenix Rally
Yet another divisive Trump rally!
(Donald’s held way too many to tally.)
He was crazy, yet boring;
I swear I heard snoring,
As hundreds skipped Donald’s finale.
*****
Photo of the Day: “President Trump stares straight into solar eclipse without glasses”
The eclipse had us viewing our skies,
But ev’ryone knows it ain’t wise
To stare at the sun
While the moon’s having fun;
So dear Donald, good luck with your eyes.
*****
Our Naval destroyer collides.
Ten sailors are lost in the tides.
Trump is asked, as the Prez,
To comment, and says:
“That’s too bad!” What a lift he provides!
*****
Mar-a-Lago keeps losing events,
Reducing Trump’s dollars and cents;
Non-profits galore
Wish to be there no more.
Schadenfreude? My case is immense!
*****
Modest Proposal 4 Trump’s Afghanistan speech:
Declare victory. Take credit. Announce immediate withdrawal.
What’s another Trump lie?
*****
Though Trump skirts the truth to the max,
With an attitude far worse than lax,
He defended delaying
Tough statements by braying:
Before speaking, “I like to know facts.”
*****
Both sides good!
Both sides bad!
Me like facts!
Fake media’s mad!
*****
Dear Trump, don’t expect me to cheer
Today’s speech; your reluctance was clear.
Condemnation delayed
Simply won’t make the grade.
Sneers and jeers for your words insincere!
*****
Me great president!
Racism bad!!!
Everyone happy now?
Can I go back to golf?
*****
The Donald’s an arrogant fool
Who possesses just one tiny tool:
The dominance game,
Which is best not to aim
At someone who’s equally cruel.
*****
Trump & North Korea Haiku
“Fire!” “Fury!”
“Locked and Loaded!”
Adolescent bullies, goaded.
*****
Bombings tend to make Trump go to town;
He’ll speak out and he’ll tweet and he’ll frown!
But he’s yet to decry
Friday’s mosque attack. Why?
Have Twitter and Facebook been down?
*****
Seems that Pence has been caught at ambition,
A perilous White House condition.
Pence denies it, of course.
Will Trump force a “divorce,”
As suspicion incites trust attrition?
*****
“Is the Donald about to ‘reset?'”
That’s a query I simply don’t get.
Yet the press loves to ask it.
Instead, I would task it:
Truly cover our national threat.
*****
The Trump presidency could be just the thing that converts me from agnostic to atheist.
*****
Dear Head of the Boy Scouts, explain
Trump’s invasion inside your domain
With a broadside so mad,
You said “Sorry! My bad!”
Tell me: Why would you think he’d act sane?
*****
If Trump’s White House is a “fine-tuned machine,” mark me down for a jalopy.
*****
Sean Spicer has fled from his box,
So the White House is losing his vox,
Which was often embattled;
He lied and he prattled…
Skills soon to be transferred to Fox?
*****
A visit from “Donald, the Cad”
To London’s postponed; the poor lad
Heard that protests were planned,
Making Trump feel unmanned.
Demonstration-fears stopping him? Sad!
*****
Junk health insurance—
Just what the doctor ordered.
*****
Dear Jared, you’ll soon be in hock
To your lawyers, who bill round the clock.
Will they help you to skate?
I say prison’s your fate,
As a chip off the old Kushner block.
*****
Trump’s Voter Fraud “Investigator” Demands State Voter Records, And States Ain’t Happy:
“Just what are they trying to hide?”
Trump’s response, when most states won’t abide
By vile records demands;
Voter privacy stands
Somehow wrong? Trump’s returns, still un-eyed.
*****
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her non-political humor blog, or stop by her home page.
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