Headline: “JD Vance’s plan to lower childcare costs: have grandma and grandpa ‘help a little bit more'”
JD Vance has a fabulous plan
To reduce childcare costs. What a man!
It’s not tax breaks or grants:
Just cry “Help!” to the aunts,
Uncles, granddads, and each weary gran.
Pat Robertson can always be counted on to say weird things and give bad advice. Yesterday’s “700 Club” TV broadcast was no exception.
In response to a spurned wife’s question, Robertson essentially said that a man strays because he’s a man. And that instead of focusing on spousal cheating, a wife should make the house so enticing that her husband doesn’t want to stray.
Pat counsels spurned wives to appreciate the positive:
“Does he provide a home for you to live in,” Robertson said. ‘Does he provide food for you to eat? Does he provide clothes for you to wear? Is he nice to the children… Is he handsome?”
Limerick Ode To Pat Robertson, Marriage Counselor
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dear gals, if your husband has strayed,
There’s no need to feel mad and betrayed:
Be grateful instead
That he pays for your bed.
That’s Pat Robertson’s notion of aid.
If you’re a Colorado spouse abuser, take heart: Republicans have vowed to protect your right to bear arms against Dem meanies, who mean to take it away.
Clueless In Colorado (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Good news for domestic abusers,
Bad news for their victim-accusers:
Colorado is where
The Republicans swear
To guard gun rights for battering bruisers.
Karen Handel has resigned from the Susan G. Komen for the Cure breast-cancer charity. And Handel, a major architect of Komen’s stop-funding-Planned-Parenthood PR disaster, didn’t go sotto voce:
Karen Handel’s Dissonant Departure From Komen (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Sweet music — Ms. Handel’s resigned,
While wailing that SHE’s been maligned:
Blaming HER’s prejudicial,
The ousted official
Complained, leaving bedlam behind.
According to Newt Gingrich, his serial wife-cheating makes him “normal,” better able to relate to the problems of average people, and more electable. You’ve got to give that fellow Brownie-points for creativity. Who else could turn multiple affairs into a plus?
In an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network this afternoon, Newt Gingrich picked up Rick Perry’s torch in the so-called “war on religion,” promising that he would fight back against judges who are “trying to drive God out of life.” The thrice-married Speaker then defended his personal marital history, claiming his multiple affairs “make me more normal than somebody who wanders around seeming perfect” because he can understand “the human condition and challenges of life for normal people.”
Limerick Ode To “Normal” Newt Gingrich
By Madeleine Begun Kane
My affairs make me “normal,” says Newt.
As defenses go, Newt’s is a beaut:
Seems perfection is bad,
And unless you’re a cad,
Your empathy skills are minute.
For someone who claims we’re broke, John Boehner certainly has some interesting priorities:
House Republicans plan to pay former Solicitor General Paul Clement and his legal team from King & Spaulding as much as $500,000 of taxpayer money to uphold the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) on behalf of House of Representatives…
As Steve Benen says:
… Boehner has been running around for months, falsely claiming, “We’re broke.” It’s how he justifies proposed cuts in critical areas like education, medical research, infrastructure, job training, and homeland security, even if it makes the jobs crisis much worse.
That brings me to my latest limerick:
DOMA Dollars
By Madeleine Begun Kane
John Boehner asserts that we’re broke,
But wastes cash to please wingnutty folk:
Big taxpayer bucks
On a lawyer deluxe
To save DOMA — for bigots bespoke.
Have you ever answered a “what’s your worst fault” question from a prospective employer by mentioning a positive trait?
Newt Gingrich is apparently familiar with that technique. What else can explain the excuses he gave for having been unfaithful to two sick wives? It seems his infidelity was “partially driven by how passionately [he] felt about this country” and the fact that he “worked far too hard.”
So, you ready to hire him for the next White House opening? What about dog catcher?
Newt’s Fishy Excuses
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Mr. Newt has an oddball excuse
For something that’s close to abuse:
Abandoning wives
Who were ill just derives
From his working too hard? How obtuse!
(More Newt Gingrich humor here.)
Oh goody — Newt Gingrich is exploring the possibility of maybe, conceivably running for president. Either that, or it’s yet another of his book publicity stunts:
Run, Newt, Run! (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dear Newt, I don’t care if you run—
Changed my mind — a Newt run would be fun.
Your divorces and scams
And your ethical jams—
I can’t wait to see just how they’re spun.
(More Newt Gingrich humor here.)
It seems Gawker’s got the goods on Rep. Christopher Lee, a conservative, married Republican congressman who serves the 26th District of New York. Apparently, “when he trolls Craigslist’s ‘Women Seeking Men’ forum, he’s Christopher Lee, ‘divorced’ ‘lobbyist’ and ‘fit fun classy guy’ — the sort of guy who’ll even email a shirtless photo to show just how ‘fit’ he is.
Congressman Lee is claiming to be innocent, blaming everything on his being hacked. Unfortunately, the hack post-dates the Craigslist missives. And that brings me to my latest limerick:
Limerick Ode To Rep. Christopher Lee
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The married conservative Lee
Is now weeping a sad “Woe is me!”
Claims his Craigslist transgressions
Were not indiscretions
But hacks jobs, with “proof” we can’t see.
UPDATE: Christopher Lee has resigned.
Have you heard about the Bible-based Christian S & M cult? Of course, CDD (Christian Domestic Discipline) doesn’t consider itself an S & M cult, but it sure as hell sounds like one:
Just when I think I have seen it all, I stumble upon something called Christian Domestic Discipline (CDD) marriage, a rising trend in conservative Christian households. A CDD marriage, for the uninitiated, is “marriage is one in which one partner is given authority over the other, and has the means to back up that authority, usually by spanking.” And, of course, that one partner with authority is always the man…
That brings me to my latest limerick:
Religion Hits Bottoms
By Madeleine Begun Kane
CDD is an odd Christian fad
For punishing wives when they’re “bad.”
Is it weird? Just a smidgeon.
They call this religion:
Spousal ass spanking. Gals, you’ve been had.
Related Post:
I Won’t Graciously Submit To Mike Huckabee
Up until now, I’ve avoided writing about Tiger Woods’ serial philandering. But Brit Hume’s outrageous comments leave me no choice. According to Hume, if Tiger Woods wants forgiveness, he must convert from Buddhism to Christianity:
Tiger Woods should turn his back on Buddhism and become a Christian to be forgiven for cheating on his wife, Hume told Fox News’ Chris Wallace Sunday.
“The extent to which he can recover seems to me depends on his faith,” said Hume. “He is said to be a Buddhist. I don’t think that faith offers the kind of redemption and forgiveness offered by the Christian faith. My message to Tiger is, Tiger turn to the Christian faith and you can make a total recovery and be a great example to the world.”
You can watch the charming video over at Crooks and Liars.
And that brings me to my latest limerick:
Telling Tiger To Convert Just Ain’t Kosher
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Tiger Woods’ rep has really been hurt.
Hume’s solution? The guy should convert:
Be a Buddhist no more —
Enter Christian faith’s door.
Get redemption for chasing each skirt.
Related Posts: Fuming About Hume; and Petraeus and Crocker Face Hume Humiliation
Senator John Ensign surely celebrated when Governor Mark Sanford’s soul-mate scandal took Ensign’s sex-capade off Page 1.
But not for long! Ensign’s scandal is back, and it’s better than ever:
Dueling Scandals (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Some scandals appear to be fleeting,
Like Ensign’s with Sanford competing.
But Ensign’s is back
With his pay-off scheme flack.
Guess whose scandal is next — please, no cheating.
South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford shouldn’t resign because he’s an unfaithful, lying, hypocrite … although he’s all that and more. He should resign because he’s a moron! Only a blithering idiot could, in one breath, publicly describe his lover as his “soul mate” and, in the next breath, vow to salvage his marriage and fall back in love with his wife, Jenny.
Ode to Mark “Sweet Talker” Sanford
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dear Sanford, you need to stay mum
Cuz your statements are dumb as they come.
Tell me: Why would your wife
Take you back in this life,
When your soul mate’s another? You bum!
All the explanations for Gov. Mark Sanford’s absence — the recharging, the writing, the catching up on projects, the naked Appalachian Trail hiking — are officially inoperative. Come to think of it, Sanford did take a hike — from his obligations to his wife and family and to his constituents.
A secret Argentinean affair! Wow! You have to give the righteous Republican Brownie points for creativity:
Mark Sanford’s Trail … Of Hypocrisy (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The myst’ry of Sanford is solved.
We have learned an affair is involved.
Argentinean tryst!
Now that’s quite a twist.
Say goodbye to his Prez hopes. Dissolved!
The omni-presence of Dick and Liz Cheney on (as Rachel Maddow loves to call it) “the TV machine” is nearly enough to get me to toss out my televisions. Of course, to have even a shot at avoiding their tortured lies, I’d have to cancel my Net connection, throw out my radios, and avert my eyes in the unlikely event that I encounter a newspaper.
Ode To The Deceitful Cheneys (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
There once was a daughter named Liz
Who joined in the family biz.
The business was lying,
With all members vying
For liar-in-chief — each a wiz.
How to become a GOP family values champion:
1. Marry your cousin.
2. Pretend you didn’t know she was your cousin.
3. Get your lengthy marriage to your mystery-cousin-wife annulled.
4. Marry someone else, have kids, then cheat on your second wife very publicly and notoriously while you’re New York City mayor.
5. Inform your wife that you want a divorce via press release.
Rudy Giuliani sounds like the perfect anti-same-sex marriage spokesman, don’t you think?
Rudy’s Family Values (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
To marry your cousin is fine.
To pretend not to know it — divine.
To flagrantly cheat
On your wife — that’s just sweet.
But same-gender marriage? Malign!
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her non-political humor blog, or stop by her home page.
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This Spam’s An Abortion
Tuesday, May 31st, 2011I never thought I’d say this, but spam can be enlightening.
I’m referring to a recent spam flurry promoting home abortion kits. And we have Republicans to thank for this disturbing trend. After all, newly empowered Republicans have been targeting abortion rights in a big way. And at the state level they’ve been very successful at severely limiting women’s reproductive rights.
Who knew that when Republicans claimed to be pro-small business, they were talking about abortion kit scam artists?
That brings me to my latest limerick:
This Spam’s An Abortion
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A new (to me) flavor of scam
Came by email for gals in a jam.
Yes, a legal cascade
Against Roe versus Wade
Has inspired abortion kit spam.
Tags: Abortion Rights, Comment Spam, Family Planning, Feminism Humor, Feminist Limerick, Gender Humor, Home Abortion Kits, Legal Satire, Legislation Humor, Reproductive Rights, Republicans Humor, Roe v. Wade
Posted in Abortion Rights, Family Values Humor, Feminism Humor, Gender Politics, Law Satire, Legal Limericks, Legislation Humor, Political Limericks, Republicans Humor, Wingnuts | 10 Comments »