Limerick Ode To Newt Gingrich
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Here’s some news that inspires a laugh:
Newt Gingrich has lost his main staff.
They quit him en masse.
(Do they think him an ass?)
Newt’s so peeved, he may shoot a giraffe.
UPDATE: Was my “giraffe” reference too obscure? For those who don’t know what it refers to, just follow the link in the last line of my limerick.
Presidential wannabe Jon Huntsman’s pandering is rather impressive, especially his gushing about Paul Ryan’s Medicare Demolition Plan in the Wall Street Journal:
I admire Congressman Paul Ryan’s honest attempt to save Medicare. Those who disagree with his approach incur a moral responsibility to propose reforms that would ensure Medicare’s ability to meet its responsibilities to retirees without imposing an unaffordable tax burden on future generations of Americans.
Limerick Ode To Jon Huntsman
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Take a gander at Huntsman’s non-candor,
As he pulls off a Paul Ryan pander.
Seems he’ll say what it takes
In the GOP stakes
To become U.S. prez/chief commander.
Newt Gingrich is still out on his I didn’t say what I said tour. He even tried to get back in Rush Limbaugh’s good graces by claiming his Meet The Press Paul Ryan plan comments had nothing to do with Paul Ryan or his plan.
Open Limerick To Newt Gingrich
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dear Newt, campaign’s over — fini!
I’ll admit it — I say this with glee.
You insulted Paul Ryan,
And nobody’s buyin’
Your stories — you’re no nominee.
(Lots more Newt Gingrich humor here.)
It amazes me that anyone could call David Gregory’s Newt Gingrich interview a “gotcha” interview. Yet that’s exactly what Newt’s been doing in the wake of his campaign’s self-destruction.
However, if you read the Meet The Press transcript, it’s clear that nobody trapped Gingrich into condemning Paul Ryan’s Medicare plan as undesirable “right-wing social engineering.”
So here’s my theory: Newt and his fellow Republicans have been coddled and spoiled by Fox News. As a result, many of them have lost their edge and can no longer handle themselves when asked even-handed questions.
I never thought I’d be saying this but…
Thank You Fox News (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
While Fox has been tempting to mock
Cuz its cov’rage is mostly a crock,
Softball questions spoiled Newt,
Who can’t handle a brute
Like Dave Gregory — Fox News, you rock!
UPDATE: To add to my amusement, Newt Gingrich is trying to forbid people from quoting his Ryan Plan criticism in an ad. Here’s Newt: “any ad which quotes what I said on Sunday is a falsehood. Because I have said publicly those words were inaccurate.”
Lots of luck with that, Newt.
Newt Gingrich’s presidential campaign is imploding with breathtaking speed. So he’s earned himself yet another limerick:
Newt Already Needs A Reboot
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dear Newt, you’ve imploded too fast.
And I fear that I’m rather aghast.
Cuz a drawn out campaign
Would sure entertain.
But you’ve screwed up too quickly to last.
(More Newt Gingrich limericks here)
Surprise, surprise — Donald Trump has announced he isn’t running for president. Of course there’s no way Donald Trump was ever going to seek the presidency — the man’s a self-described germaphobe.
Donald’s Trumped Up Campaign
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Were you hoping for President Trump?
There’s a hurdle he simply can’t jump:
The hand-shaking mob —
On the stump, that’s his job.
And a hand is a germ-laden sump.
(More Donald Trump humor here.)
Just what we need — another Ron Paul son in the Senate:
Liberate Me From The Paul Clan
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Yet another ambitious Paul son?
How I’d hoped there was only the one.
First Ron and then Rand
And now Rob? What a band!
Please tell me we’re finally done.
White House and Congress
bought and managed by donors —
puppet theater.
*****
An epidemic —
political hypocrites —
Today’s GOP.
*****
Unlimited cash
from corporations to pols —
democracy dies.
****
Economic growth
still not translating to jobs —
Republicans shrug.
*****
Republican cuts
to budget sure to kill jobs —
Boehner: “So be it.”
*****
Deliberately
destroying economy
seemed unthinkable.
No longer a silly thought —
GOP election goal.
******
Author’s Note: These haiku and tanka were inspired in part by the following prompts: puppet, epidemic, unlimited, growth, and silly.
Limerick Ode To Donald Birther Trump
By Madeleine Begun Kane
I once met a man, Donald Trump,
In my lawyering days — what a lump!
This was long, long ago —
Way before his big show.
He’s no brighter while out on the stump.
Author’s Note: Yes, I really did encounter Donald Trump decades ago, early in my legal career. And no, I don’t really believe Trump will run for U.S. president. But he’s certainly on the stump … for publicity. And if you want to read about Trump’s increasingly malevolent dive into Birther-politics here’s the latest from Political Wire.
Have you ever answered a “what’s your worst fault” question from a prospective employer by mentioning a positive trait?
Newt Gingrich is apparently familiar with that technique. What else can explain the excuses he gave for having been unfaithful to two sick wives? It seems his infidelity was “partially driven by how passionately [he] felt about this country” and the fact that he “worked far too hard.”
So, you ready to hire him for the next White House opening? What about dog catcher?
Newt’s Fishy Excuses
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Mr. Newt has an oddball excuse
For something that’s close to abuse:
Abandoning wives
Who were ill just derives
From his working too hard? How obtuse!
(More Newt Gingrich humor here.)
I almost always disagree with George Will. So it pains me to say this, but George Will is right. I’m referring, of course, to Will’s column lamenting the Republican 2012 presidential prospects — more specifically, the “vibrations of weirdness emanating from people associated with the party.” He illustrates his column with recent Mike Huckabee and Newt Gingrich shenanigans. And he doesn’t sound all that thrilled with the rest of the Republican pack.
That brings me to my latest limerick:
Weirdness from George Will
By Madeleine Begun Kane
George Will wrote a column with bite
On the GOP president fight.
He finds weirdness within
The candidate din.
Had to happen one day — Will is right.
Oh goody — Newt Gingrich is exploring the possibility of maybe, conceivably running for president. Either that, or it’s yet another of his book publicity stunts:
Run, Newt, Run! (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dear Newt, I don’t care if you run—
Changed my mind — a Newt run would be fun.
Your divorces and scams
And your ethical jams—
I can’t wait to see just how they’re spun.
(More Newt Gingrich humor here.)
Senator Joe Lieberman of Connecticut has announced that he won’t be running for a 5th term. And that means I won’t have Joe Lieberman to kick around much longer.
That brings me to my latest Joe Lieberman limerick and haiku:
Finally, Joementum In the Right Direction
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dear Joe, glad to hear that you’re leaving.
This Democrat sure won’t be grieving.
I know you’ve no shame,
So you won’t accept blame
For aiding the right in their thieving.
I’ll never tire
Of the phrase “Joe Lieberman
Is retiring.”
In the wake of the Arizona shootings, there isn’t much news to celebrate in rhyme. But I finally came up with something: Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-Texas) was sentenced to three years in prison for “conspiring to launder corporate money into political donations during the 2002 elections.”
That brings me to my latest limerick:
Want Tom In Prison — No Delay!
By Madeleine Begun Kane
There’s a glimmer of good news today:
It’s prison for Thomas DeLay.
His sentence? Three years.
So let’s hear it: Three cheers!
Please no stay! Want DeLay put away.
Delaware’s Christine O’Donnell may have lost her U.S. Senatorial campaign big time, but she isn’t through entertaining us. No … Fox News hasn’t hired her. Not yet, anyway. But she’s currently in the news because the U.S. Justice Department and the FBI are investigating her alleged misuse of campaign funds for rent and other personal expenses.
One former O’Donnell staffer, Kristin Murray, recorded an automated phone call for the Delaware Republican Party just before the primary, accusing O’Donnell of “living on campaign donations — using them for rent and personal expenses, while leaving her workers unpaid and piling up thousands in debt.
Another former aide, David Keegan, said he became concerned about O’Donnell’s 2008 campaign finances as she fell behind on bills and had no apparent source of income besides political contributions. He submitted an affidavit to CREW alleging that she used campaign money to cover meals, gas, a bowling outing, and rent to a landlord, Brent Vasher.
Christine O’Donnell’s response is to call the Fed investigation “thug tactics.” And my response is to write a limerick:
Christine O’Donnell: Not A Witch, But Possibly A Jailbird
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Here’s some news that’s delightfully rich:
Seems that gal who denies she’s a witch
Unlawfully spent
Campaign cash on her rent,
Which could land her a Fed prison hitch.
It’s nearly 2 a.m. here in New York City, and most of the national election news is bleak. I’m so upset, I can barely write:
Election Results Madness (Audio Version)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
I’m glued to the screen through the night,
Watching Dem after Dem lose our fight.
Masochistic? I guess:
Can’t stop watching this mess.
Where the hell is this long tunnel’s light?
Pre-Election Jitters (audio version)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
I am feeling freaked out and may weep
Cuz I fear a Republican sweep.
I’m bracing for news
That’s so awful my views
Said in verse will require a bleep.
(If you’d like to hear me recite this limerick, click here for Pre-Election-Jitters.)
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her non-political humor blog, or stop by her home page.
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An Open Limerick To Republican Supporters
Thursday, October 28th, 2010As you know, I think Republican supporters are wrong about everything. But I have to assume they have a good faith belief that Republican pols want to make things better for the American people. And I’d like to think some of them would reevaluate their votes if they knew about the GOP’s real priority.
What am talking about? In an interview with National Journal, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell has admitted to a totally different goal:
There’s no ambiguity here: Republicans are taking a strong stand for partisan politics over good policy. And that leads me to my latest two-verse limerick:
An Open Limerick To Republican Supporters
By Madeleine Begun Kane
To those who are suff’ring frustration
And see GOP wins as salvation,
Those pols led by Mitch
Dragged us into this ditch
And will not do what’s good for our nation.
No, they won’t get us out of this hole,
Cuz McConnell has one single goal:
Make the Prez a one-termer,
He brags — does not murmur.
So please think when you go to the poll.
Tags: Campaign Satire, Election Humor, GOP Humor, Kentucky, Mitch McConnell, National Journal, Obama Verse, Partisan Politics, Republican Humor, Senate Satire, Voting Limerick
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