Talking heads are always spouting theories, so why can’t I? This one’s for those who think Ron Paul’s being suspiciously nice to Mitt Romney:
A G(Rand) VEEP Scheme? (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Does Ron Paul have a plan rather grand
In helping Mitt further his brand?
Maybe Mitt promised Paul:
“If you’ll kindly play ball,
Then I’ll hand the V.P. slot to Rand.”
When I see a title like this, I pretty much have to write a limerick: Santorum Good for Chastity-Belt Sales? Manufacturer Says, “We’ve Had a Boost”
The Chastity Chase (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Here’s good news for Republican men:
You can guard against gals with a yen
For sex you deem evil
With something primeval:
Yes chastity belts — Curb your hen!
Many GOP leaders are understandably upset by the remaining quartet of presidential aspirants. Their solution? A brokered convention featuring the brother of “He Who Can Not Be Mentioned.” Yes, Jeb Bush, as Republican Savior.
Republicans’ Bush-League Fantasy (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Some Republicans weave quite the web
Of fantasy — Florida’s Jeb:
They’d replace their prez roster
With Bush, who will foster
A fix for the GOP ebb.
In case all those ads haven’t clued you in, Presidents Day is nearly here. To celebrate, I’ve written a pair of clerihews for would-be presidents Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum. What’s a clerihew? A whimsically biographical four-line poem, more fully described here.
Willard Mitt Romney
Has wealth that’s omni.
But he’s stiff as a yoke.
Kindly give that man a toke.
*****
Ricky Santorum
Loves his forum.
Being prez is his quest
In a knit sweater vest.
(My set of eight Eight 4-Liners For The Initial Republican Contenders is here.)
After yesterday’s post, I’d hoped to be done with birth control commentary for a while. But then I saw this headline: Santorum Sugar Daddy Foster Friess Gives ‘Gals’ Contraception Advice: Put An Aspirin Between Your Knees. And that story lives up to its headline:
Appearing on MSNBC with Andrea Mitchell today, Foster Friess, the main donor to the Super PAC backing Rick Santorum’s presidential bid, dismissed the controversy surrounding President Obama’s new birth control rule by suggesting that women should just keep their legs shut…
FRIESS: “On this contraceptive thing, my gosh, it’s so inexpensive. You know, back in my days, they used Bayer Aspirin for contraceptives. The gals put it between their knees and it wasn’t that costly.”
More Contraceptive Madness (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Rick Santorum and Friess — quite the pair
In their “stop contraceptive care” guerre:
Don’t want kids with your squeeze?
Put a pill ‘tween your knees,
Like Bay’r asp’rin, sez Rick’s billionaire.
What century is this? The aggressive anti-contraception GOP stance makes me wonder whether I bought the wrong calendar.
Rick Santorum, a man who’s dangerously close to snatching the Republican presidential nomination away from Mitt Romney, apparently wants to preside over an antediluvian America: Here’s Santorum explaining why he wants to fight “the dangers of contraception:”
It’s not okay because it’s a license to do things in the sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.
And Rick is far from the only bedroom-obsessed Republican. GOP over-reach regarding contraception is approaching epic proportions:
Last week, Freshman Senator Roy Blunt (R-MO) filed legislation to allow any employer, religiously affiliated or not, to refuse to cover any essential or preventive health service, not just contraceptives, based on the “religious belief or moral conviction” of the employer. Word from DC is that Blunt and allies will attempt to add the provision as an amendment to other legislation now moving through the Senate….
The fact that American voters are overwhelmingly pro-birth control is apparently irrelevant to Republican politicians.
Perhaps a limerick might help Republican pols get the message:
Dear Bedroom-Invading Republicans (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dear Republican pols, please abstain
From ent’ring my bedroom domain.
And also stay out
Of my bathroom. Don’t pout!
If you’re truly “small gov,” you’ll refrain.
Before I get to today’s Rick Santorum limerick, here’s a post from my other blog about the Mary Todd Lincoln portrait hoax.
Getting back to Santorum, Rick (not to be outdone by Ron Paul’s newsletter disclaimers) is feigning ignorance over his very own book:
Only days after having to explain a comment about women and emotions in combat, Rick Santorum seemed to struggle a bit on Sunday to explain a remark in his 2005 book “It Takes a Family” that blamed “radical feminists” for undermining families and for trying to persuade women that they could find fulfillment only in the workplace.
Asked on the ABC News program “This Week” about the book’s contentions, Mr. Santorum noted that his wife, Karen, had written that section — though only his name is on the cover and he does not list her in the acknowledgments as among those “who assisted me in the writing of this book.” …
In the interview on Sunday, Mr. Santorum pleaded unfamiliarity with the citation, saying, “I don’t know – that’s a new quote for me”…
Limerick Ode To Rick “What Book?” Santorum
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dear Rick, when you author a book
You have placed yourself square on the hook
For the contents inside.
You’re a coward to hide
From your screed. Either that, or a schnook.
Pity the poor political journalist (or political satirist), who must conjure up constant commentary about a race that’s effectively over.
So it’s no wonder that the media’s in a tizzy over the Rick Santorum Sweep … even though it yielded Rick zero delegates.
Rick Gives Them Something To Talk About (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The press was beginning to mope.
But Santorum’s three wins offer hope
That the race isn’t done,
Mitt may NOT be the one.
But does Rick stand a chance? Answer: Nope!
This headline is funny, but not surprising: Donald Trump Takes Credit For Mitt Romney’s Big Win In Nevada:
“There was a lot riding on that particular race in Nevada and it was interesting, because the numbers were much, much greater than you thought,” Trump gloated. “And a lot of people are giving me credit for that. And I will accept that credit.”
Here’s the limerick that Romney staffers talked Mitt out of sending:
The Limerick Romney Wanted To Send Trump
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dear Donald, big thanks for your backing,
But I fear that your modesty’s lacking.
My win in Nevada
Was ME. You did NADA!
I regret I did not send you packing.
I’ve finally figured out how Newt plans to populate the moon: He’ll catapult the poor onto the moon via trampolines.
Yes, I know that sounds crazy. But I can’t think of any other explanation for this nutty Newt quote:
I really believe that we should care about the very poor, unlike Governor Romney. But I believe we should care very differently from Barack Obama….What the poor need is a trampoline so they can spring up, so I am for replacing the safety net with a trampoline.
Limerick Ode To Newt Lunacy
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The safety net’s bad, prattles Newt,
Suggesting we give it the boot.
From his odd bag of tricks,
Newt throws this in the mix:
Trampolines — out-of-poverty route.
There’s been lots of talk about this Mitt Romney gaffe: “I’m not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there. If it needs repair, I’ll fix it.”
But as Ezra Klein points out, the problem with Mitt Romney isn’t his gaffes, it’s his policies, which would dig a deep hole in that safety net.
Keep The Safety Net Safe From Mitt Romney (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Find some holes in the safety net? “Fix it!”
That’s how hypocrite Romney depicts it.
But we’re onto Mitt’s game
And his policy aim:
What his policies do is deep-six it.
Will Trump endorse Newt? Will The Donald go with Mitt? Will Donald Trump fire himself from The Apprentice so he can run for president as a third-party candidate?
At long last, all that heady speculation has ended.
Trump Endorses Romney – Election Over (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Donald Trump had been sending up flares.
His endorsement speech finally airs:
Despite all that’s been writ,
He is going with Mitt.
I have only one question: Who cares?
Some Republicans are worried they’ll be saddled with a brokered convention. And Newt Gingrich’s statement is upping their anxiety:
With just one full day of campaigning left until the Florida primary and polls indicating that Mitt Romney has substantially widened his lead in the Sunshine State, Newt Gingrich told reporters Sunday he is prepared to fight out the Republican presidential nomination all the way to a brokered convention.
“We have no evidence yet that Romney anywhere is coming close to getting a majority and I think when you take all the non-Romney votes, it’s very likely that at the convention there will be a non-Romney majority and maybe a very substantial one. My job is to convert that into a Gingrich majority,” Gingrich said.
Brokered Convention Blues (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The thought of a brokered convention
Is creating Republican tension:
Will Mitt’s delegate count
Sufficiently mount
If Newt nixes a prez run suspension?
With the powers-that-be on the right hitting Gingrich hard, he’s surely in the market for endorsements. But I suspect Newt could do without imprisoned, former Rep. Randy “Duke” Cunningham’s stamp of approval:
Cunningham tells Gingrich in an electronic message he says he sent to the candidate last month that his fellow prisoners, and their families, support Gingrich:
“Newt, a voice out of the past. Down but not out and still fighting. First I do not want anything from you but have been watching the debates. I have 80% of inmates that would vote for you. They might not be able to but their extended families will.”
Newt’s Endorsement Blues (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Newt Gingrich, endorsed by a Duke:
From Duke Cunningham — praise not rebuke.
The imprisoned ex-Rep
Endorsed Newt with great pep—
One old colleague Newt doesn’t make puke!
I can’t decide whether naming Santorum’s fund-raising appeal Conservatives United Moneybomb is stupid … or brilliant. Either way, it’s bringing in a scary amount of money.
Rick Santorum’s Acronym Antics (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Choosing acronyms tends to be tricky,
And it’s wise to be cautious and picky.
But Rick’s fundraising C.U.M.
Has raised a huge sum!
Rick Santorum, on Google, still icky!
According to Newt Gingrich, his serial wife-cheating makes him “normal,” better able to relate to the problems of average people, and more electable. You’ve got to give that fellow Brownie-points for creativity. Who else could turn multiple affairs into a plus?
In an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network this afternoon, Newt Gingrich picked up Rick Perry’s torch in the so-called “war on religion,” promising that he would fight back against judges who are “trying to drive God out of life.” The thrice-married Speaker then defended his personal marital history, claiming his multiple affairs “make me more normal than somebody who wanders around seeming perfect” because he can understand “the human condition and challenges of life for normal people.”
Limerick Ode To “Normal” Newt Gingrich
By Madeleine Begun Kane
My affairs make me “normal,” says Newt.
As defenses go, Newt’s is a beaut:
Seems perfection is bad,
And unless you’re a cad,
Your empathy skills are minute.
Newt Gingrich seemed way off his game at last night’s Florida debate. And at first, I attributed this to Mitt Romney’s new, improved debating style.
But Newt apparently needs the adrenalin rush that comes with cheers and applause. And last night’s NBC debate rules precluded such a rush: Audience feedback was limited, in the interest of using the time for actual debating.
So now Newt (always on the outlook for another excuse to bash the media) is petulantly threatening to boycott any debate that limits the audience’s free speech:
Mr. Gingrich’s performance in the debate in Tampa on Monday night was far more muted. Critics noted that he seemed to be off his game. The National Journal, which co-hosted the NBC debate, compared Gingrich to “a stand-up comedian whose routine suffers without echoes of laughter egging him on.”
Mr. Gingrich clearly noticed something was off, too. “We’re going to serve notice on future debates,” he told Fox. “We’re just not going to allow that to happen. That’s wrong. The media doesn’t control free speech. People ought to be allowed to applaud if they want to.”
Hmmm…., I wonder how Newt feels about boos.
Limerick Ode To Newt’s Latest Temper Tantrum
By Madeleine Begun Kane
No cheering at last night’s debate!
This has Gingrich quite peeved and irate.
He says cheers from the crowd
Simply must be allowed.
Without cheers, will Newt Gingrich deflate?
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her non-political humor blog, or stop by her home page.
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