Headline: “4 signs of a blue wave from Election Day: Republicans should be running scared”
Most Republican leaders see Trump
As creating a GOP slump.
But not Donald! He’ll brag
And pretend the “Trump drag”
Is “fake news,” as our “blue wave” odds jump.
Donald’s lawyer is rather a cut up,
Saying Mueller should “put up or shut up.”
While Rudy tells lies and lets loose,
Mueller quietly tightens the noose.
*****
Stop trying to peddle
the weasel-word “meddle.”
‘Twas a Russian attack,
so soft-ped’ling it’s whack.
*****
Trump Tweet: “The so-called leaks coming out of the White House are a massive over exaggeration put out by the Fake News Media in order to make us look as bad as possible. With that being said, leakers are traitors and cowards, and we will find out who they are!”
Though he frequently rails about leaks,
When he ran Trump aired NO such critiques;
Once a WikiLeaks fan,
Now an anti-leak man.
He’s the target? Trump bellows and shrieks.
Crazy-sounding, but true:
Why did Rick Saccone’s run turned to ash?
Why’d his edge disappear in a flash?
Here’s my fav’rite absurd
Excuse that I’ve heard:
Rick Saccone “should have lost the mustache.”
From the Washington Examiner:
Frustrated by Saccone’s performance, some Republicans have gone so far as to zero in on his mustachioed appearance.
“It’s a porn stache,” said one Pennsylvania-based GOP strategist. “He should have lost the mustache.”
One of today’s many annoying headlines: “McConnell Sees No Need to Protect Mueller From President Trump”
No need to shield Mueller, says Mitch.
No chance he’ll be tossed in a ditch.
Undermine him? You jest!
No one has such a quest!
And if something goes wrong? Life’s a bitch!
Trump is mad at John Kelly. Here’s why:
Re the Donald’s campaign, he let fly
Quite a wall-vow affront;
It’s surprisingly blunt.
“Uninformed,” though, sounds better than “lie.”
You probably know that Trump’s chimed in on the “Oprah presidential run” conversation. But did you also know that Trump’s already composed two Oprah limericks — one for this year and one for 2020?
Fortunately for my readers, I managed to get hold of the only copy:
Trump’s 2018 Limerick:
Though Oprah’s unlikely to run,
I’ll beat her and have lots of fun.
I know her real well
And I think that she’s swell,
But she’ll surely be YUUUGELY outdone.
Trump’s 2020 Limerick:
Dopey Oprah is sorry she ran.
Being prez is a job for a man.
And besides, it’s not clear
She was even born here.
She’s a mopey old flash in the pan.
Headline: “Roy Moore: ‘Battle Is Not Over’ in Senate Race”
The battle’s not over, says Moore.
All your calls to concede, I’ll ignore
The election was flawed.
I’m sure there was fraud.
So send money. Keep funding my war.
Headline: “Pastor Says Moore Dated Teenagers for Their ‘Purity’”
A flip pastor says Moore dated teens
For their “purity.” I don’t know beans
About biblical teaching,
But what sort of preaching
Overlooks what indecency means?
PoliticalWire Headline: “The Conservative War on the Media Backfires”
Republican pols have been training
Their voters, through lie-packed complaining,
To reject any news
That might challenge their views–
A great aid to Moore’s Senate campaigning.
Russia meddled, our experts maintain;
Our Democracy’s suffered a stain.
But Donald would rather
Buy Putin’s false blather;
Trump’s owned by Vlad’s hard driving reign.
Bill de Blasio’s reign has been poor,
And I’m desp’rate to show him the door.
But the others are worse,
So it seems (with a curse)
I’ll vote “Bill,” but won’t say “Je l’adore.”
I never liked Donna Brazile.
But she’s worse than I thought — just a shill
For her publisher, spurring
Divisiveness, blurring
The truth, hurting Dems, selling swill.
Is Mueller about to be canned?
Does Trump have a “massacre” planned?
Will Congress preempt
Any heinous attempt,
Leaving Donald verklempt and unmanned?
Mueller’s news has the public agog,
So the White House keeps drumming up fog.
Mass confusion’s its aim;
Soon the Donald will claim
That Clinton’s been beating her dog.
Hill colluded with Russia? Explain
How that makes any sense, cuz my brain
Can not fathom collusion
To cause a profusion
Of harm to her own prez campaign.
Is Trump in the throes of affrightment
Over news about Mueller’s indictment?
Who’s been charged? We don’t know
Cuz it’s sealed. Even so,
I’m aglow with a growing excitement.
Unsupportive opinions? Flake views!
Unflattering numbers? A ruse!
No matter the topic,
The Donald’s myopic;
If it isn’t pro-Trump, it’s “Fake News!”
You don’t wish to read Hillary’s book?
That’s just fine, but don’t ask us to brook
All your bitching and moaning,
Begrudging and groaning;
It is YOU who gave US Trump the Crook!
Dear Donald, I wish you’d vamoose
It ain’t safe in DC with you loose.
The whole nation, in fact,
Would at last be less racked,
If you’d simply become a recluse.
*****
The Donald is starting to backtrack
In response to fierce tweets from the whack-track
That their love for him’s gone
Cuz he’s “Amnesty Don.”
DACA deal with the Dems? Cue sad sack-track.
*****
The media’s only too glad
To opine that Trump’s pivoting. Sad!
Though he turns on a dime,
Those ain’t pivots; Each time
It’s a sign he’s insane. The guy’s MAD!
*****
CNN Headline of the Day: “Trump has nominated 42 people for US attorney. Only one is a woman”
No doubt Ivanka is VERY disappointed.
*****
Devastating Hurricane: “WRONG Time To Mention Climate Change!”
Mass Shooting: “WRONG Time To Mention Gun Control!”
Anyone detect a pattern here?
*****
Headline of the Day: “Upbeat Trump raves to Schumer, Pelosi about news coverage of their deal”
Donald loves to be praised in the press,
Which is rare, cuz his reign is a mess.
But the deal he just made
With the Democrats paid
Off in cov’rage that’s easing his stress.
Seems the same can’t be said for old Mitch
And Paul Ryan. (Betrayal’s a bitch!)
With high hopes for some wins,
They put up with Trump’s sins.
Their reward? They’ve been dumped in a ditch.
******
Press Query: What will you do about X?
Trump: We’ll see.
Child’s Query: Can I do X? Can I? Can I?
Parent: We’ll see.
*****
Trump has a long history of taking undeserved credit for donations. Will Hurricane Harvey be yet another example?
Do not rush to give Trump an ovation
For his one million dollar “donation”
To victims of Harvey;
Though pledges are marvy,
Please buck promise and payment conflation.
******
Trump proclaimed he’d treat Dreamers “with heart,”
But his vow was a lie from the start.
Dumping DACA, he’s dashed
All their dreams; hope’s been smashed
By a bigot who’s slashed us apart.
*****
This probably sounds cynical, given Trump’s obvious instability.
But despite Donald’s mental unfitness, I don’t believe the powers that be will ever use the 25th Amendment to remove him from the presidency.
Hence my limerick rant:
Has the Donald succumbed to a funk?
Is his psyche okay? Oh what bunk!
Why fret NOW? It’s too LATE!
Foolish votes sealed our fate.
That ship’s sailed and, alas, we are sunk.
*****
Is anyone else sick of stories claiming that Ivanka and Jared tried really, really hard to get Trump to do the right thing?
Poor Ivanka and Jared are sad,
Once again disappointed by dad
After trying sooooo hard.
If you buy this canard,
You’re as blind as daft Donald is mad.
*****
Two-Verse Limerick:
Have you read Donald’s tweet-rants today,
Aimed at partners of DPRK?
They clearly were meant
To scare China. Trump’s vent
Was a threat to stop trade. Foolish bray!
Even Donald would rather not crash
Our economy. That would be rash.
So his threat to stop trade
With China charade
Is naught but nonsensical trash.
*****
Trump to Pence: I saw photos of you in Houston, hugging Harvey victims and clearing debris.
Pence: Just doing my part, Mr. President.
Trump: Stop trying to make me look bad!
*****
Dearest Trump fans, condemning Obama
For Katrina, with Sturm, Drang, and drama,
Is a waste of Snopes’ time.
Dopey gripes are a crime.
Did he also cause Black Tuesday trauma?
*****
Dear Donald, I hope you’re aware
That you’re poor at pretending to care.
Though some suckers still buy
Ev’ry pretense and lie,
Being selfish is all that you share.
*****
Trump: “Harvey. It sounds like such an innocent name, but isn’t.”
Me: Donald. It sounds like such an innocent name, but isn’t.
*****
Trump on the Hurricane Harvey recovery: “We want to do it better than ever before. We want to be looked at in five years or 10 years from now as this is the way to do it.”
I, for one, am looking forward to all the congratulatory phone calls Trump will be inventing.
*****
Pro-brutality, favors rascality,
Can’t accept or contend with reality,
Badly raised, must be praised,
His mentality’s crazed;
Trump’s normality — national malady.
*****
FEMA Adviser: The Dallas Convention Center will house 5000 Harvey refugees.
TRUMP: Unacceptable! I’ve banned ALL refugees!
*****
Journalist: During the campaign, you claimed to have no dealings with Russia.
Trump: That’s right, and I didn’t!
Journalist: Then how do you explain your Moscow Trump Tower “letter of intent?”
Trump: I INTENDED to have dealings. Bigly different!
*****
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her non-political humor blog, or stop by her home page.
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