According to this strange interview, Republican Kelly Maher, a political analyst, is so depressed by Donald Trump that she bought a pet wallaby for emotional support.
About Trump, Kelly’s very upset.
She’s so jumpy, she got a new pet
To help with her sadness
And wall off the madness.
Will a Wallaby help her not fret?
Trump’s “Four Pinocchios” keep mounting up, as The Donald amplifies his conspiracy-theory-fed attacks on Hillary Clinton.
The latest is for suggesting foul play in the (to quote Trump) “fishy” 1993 suicide of Vince Foster.
The Donald will use any source
(Even chain mail from fringe groups, of course)
In attacking a rival.
His key to survival?
Coarse indiff’rence to truth, sans remorse.
The very least one can expect from presidential candidates, is that they NOT root against our nation’s economy. Yet Trump apparently did exactly that:
Two years before the housing market collapsed in 2008 and millions of Americans lost their homes, Donald Trump said he was hoping for a crash.
“I sort of hope that happens because then people like me would go in and buy,” Trump said in a 2006 audiobook from Trump University, answering a question about “gloomy predictions that the real estate market is heading for a spectacular crash.”
Dear supporters of Trump, don’t be rash
And back someone who hoped for a crash
In the house market so
He could make lots of dough,
Brashly rooting against us for cash.
Dear Bernie: Only a candidate who cares more about himself than about our nation, could refer to choosing between Clinton and Trump as “the lesser of two evils.”
“The lesser of two evils” —
That’s the phrasing Bernie used
To describe the coming battle,
Hill v Trump. I’m NOT amused.
Revealing his true colors
In that line for all to hear,
He let bitterness at losing
Spur a reckless, noxious smear.
I’ve attempted but failed to account
For the YUUUGELY surprising amount
Of folks who applaud
Donald Trump and who laud
That deranged instability fount.
I was really hoping that Bernie Sanders would behave like a statesman in the wake of the horrific behavior of Sanders’ supporters in Nevada.
Instead, he released this press release, with only the most mealy-mouthed general criticism of violence — a press release dominated by his own recitation of campaign grievances.
When supporters of yours misbehave
Please don’t act like a put-upon knave.
You should strongly indict
Pro-Bern violence with bite,
And not feed them the pep talk they crave.
You’re a Bernie supporter? That’s fine.
You’re a “Bernie or Buster?” Go whine
And spread lies on some page
That’s more friendly. Vent rage
Against Hill somewhere else. Not on mine!
I keep seeing headlines like this: “Trump Reversal on Fundraising Not Hurting Him.”
So I decided to make up some headlines of my own:
“Trump Reversal on CHANGING HIS GENDER Not Hurting Him.”
“Trump Reversal on KIDNAPPING POLO PONIES Not Hurting Him.”
“Trump Reversal on EVICTING CALIFORNIA Not Hurting Him.”
Feel free to create your own fake (yet almost plausible) Trump headlines using this format:
“Trump Reversal on {BLANK BLANK} Not Hurting Him.”
You may either use your own words, or choose one word from “Group 1” and one word from “Group 2.”
Group 1:
Abusing
Adopting
Appointing
Arresting
Banishing
Banning
Beating
Berating
Bilking
Borrowing
Bribing
Building
Burying
Changing
Cheating
Complimenting
Curing
Declaring
Decorating
Demolishing
Destroying
Disclosing
Donating
Drooling
Envy
Evicting
Firing
Forgiving
Freeing
Hacking
Helping
Hiding
Humiliating
Impeaching
Incorporation
Insulting
Inventing
Kidnapping
Negotiating
Killing
Lampooning
Legalizing
Locking Up
Lowering
Lying
Manipulating
Marauding
Mocking
Mortgaging
Mourning
Selling
Occupying
Ordering
Outlawing
Pardoning
Pillaging
Praising
Promoting
Punishing
Raging
Raising
Raping
Refinancing
Renaming
Renting Out
Revolting
Rewarding
Slaughtering
Smoking
Shooting
Strangling
Subdividing
Suing
Switching
Tearing Down
Torturing
Unburying
Voting
Winning
Worshiping
Group 2:
Amazon
Animal Sacrifice
Art Museums
Asians
Assets
Bankers
Bankruptcy
Bathrooms
Ben Carson
Bernie
Bezos
Birth Certificate
Blood
Brand
Budget
Builder
Bums
Cabinet Member
California
Canaries
Cheapskates
Cheater
China
Clinton
Clouds
Clown
College
Conspiracy
Corpses
Court
Crickets
DNC
Debate
Debt
Defendant
Democrats
Disclosure
Donations
Dope
Election Fraud
Elephants
Executive Orders
Fairness
Figure Skating
Flautists
Gender
Ghosts
God
Golf Course
GOP
Haters
Health Care
Heathens
Hillary
History
House
Illegals
Immigrants
Immigration
Insurance
Iran
Iraq
Israel
Jews
Justice
Kindergarten
Latinos
Lawyers
Liars
Litigation
Loans
Loser
Mars
Math
Media
Medicare
Megyn Kelly
Men
Mental Illness
Mexico
Miss Universe
Models
Monkeys
Monopoly
Moron
Mosquitos
Muslims
Neanderthals
Negotiator
New York
Obama
Oboe Players
Order
Parties
Paul Ryan
Peace
Penis
Penis Envy
Plaintiff
Pluto
Polls
Polo
Ponies
Porn
Press
Prison
Privacy
Protesters
Putin
Rain
Real Estate
Republicans
Respect
Revolution
RNC
Running Mate
Russia
Science
Secrets
Senate
Shadows
Slob
Snow
Social Security
Supreme Court
Tacos
Taxes
Tax Returns
Terrorists
Total Loser
Turtles
Unfairness
Vagrants
Vampires
Voters
Waitresses
Wall
Wall Street
War
Wealth
White House
Women
Zombies
“I self-fund cuz I’m rich. Really rich!
I’m too rich to be bought!” was Trump’s pitch.
“Keep your money,” he said.
But that policy’s dead
In a typical Trump bait and switch.
Dear Ted, you’re a wack and a hack,
And I’m tempted to make a snide crack,
But I almost feel pity;
It sure won’t be pretty
When Senators “welcome” you back.
Senate takes 2016 sabbatical
The chamber is in session for the fewest days in 60 years, straining Mitch McConnell’s claim that the chamber is ‘back to work.’
It’s a tough NON-accomplishment race,
But the GOP Senate’s on pace
To work less then it’s ever
Pulled off — this endeavor
Makes “back to work” false on its face.
As a running mate, I’d be ideal.
But I’ll never be yours, so get real!
Be advised, I insist:
Keep me off of your list.
Even Hillary has more appeal.
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her non-political humor blog, or stop by her home page.
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