MAD KANE'S HUMOR BLOG

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook in the last Limerick-Off.  

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

An Irish expatriate male
Yearned for Limerick gals, so set sail
To those faraway shores,
Where he found British whores,
All beyond the proverbial Pale.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special GOSSIP-Themed Limerick Award. In his trio of limericks, Tim imagines a world where children’s rhymes and songs are the subjects of gossip.

Mother Hubbard missed meals and she knew
That her doggy would go hungry too.
Now the word on the street
Is: in order to eat,
She’s been cooking herself canine stew.

That old farmer who lives in the dell
Torched his buildings in town, I hear tell.
Cow and cheese prices crashed
And his cash flow was slashed —
But the payout from Allstate was swell!

Have you heard the hot news about Jill?
Someone told me she went up the hill
With that ne’er-do-well Jack,
Then got down on her back.
I sure hope she’s been taking the Pill.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: CLASS, CATCH, FLASHY, STARE, GAIN.

When a lower-class lout (quite the potterer),
Wed a crone twice his age (thought a lot o’ her),
Said his Pappy, “What fun!
While I’m losing a son,
It appears I am gaining a dotterer!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Mark Totterdell, Rudy Landesman, Tony Holmes, Edmund Conti, Bob Turvey, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: SALE or SAIL-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Moby’s ladylove cried up a gale,
When she caught her man out chasing sail.
Upon hearing her blubber,
One classy landlubber,
Said, “Good God, that’s one hell of a wail!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SALE or SAIL-RHYME DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

A mariner’s spinning a tale:
“How not to prepare for a gale.
It’s known from the past
That removing the mast
Will render a boat not for sail.”

Jean McEwen:

Those large bags of Tostitos, on sale
For $4.99 rarely fail
To draw in the shoppers
Who also love Whoppers–
Preferring them, greatly, to kale.

Lisi Nortman:

At Target, I’d hoped to succeed
In purchasing items I’d need.
But this “Black Friday” sale
Was more like a trail
That led to the Klondike Stampede.

Tim James:

Once again, with the ladies I fail.
When I asked for a night out with Gail,
She said, “Hate to be rude;
You’re a hapless old dude.”
What’s this “hap” and who’s got some for sale?

Mark Totterdell:

In that tale, when the whaler sets sail
On the trail of the palest old whale,
You hope it’ll so be
A win for old Moby,
And pray that the sailors will fail.

Terry Marter:

Archeologists dug hill and dale,
Found an ancient note; fragile and pale.
Spending millions (they said)
We’ve revealed that it’s red
And says: “half off marked price in this sale.”

Lisi Nortman:

I went with my bosom friend, Gail
To “Plus-Size” to check out their sale.
I tried to be kind
When I saw a “great find”
And said, “This would fit YOU or a whale.

Rudy Landesman:

My girlfriend, I’m told, has set sail.
Therein, as you’ve guessed, lies a tale.
She went off to float
In some other guy’s boat.
And I’m glad; I’ve been wanting to bail.

Tony Holmes:

Legend tells of a seafaring snail
Which went cruising traversing a sail.
In the time that it took
To return from Cape Cook
It had learned how to reef in a gale.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (GOSSIP-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)

Edmund Conti:

Did you hear what I heard about Mary
And her deeds that were rather contrary
To our town’s moral code?
(Yes, I’m gonna explode.)
Psst, psst, also Tom, Dick and Harry.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

As for gossip these days, I want none of it;
Though it seems that I’m mired in a ton of it.
How I miss the old days,
With their civilized ways,
When we picked on folks just for the fun of it.

Bob Turvey:

There’s a gossip-mad lady called Fay
Who is gullible too, I would say.
She once started a rumour
That she had a tumour –
And believed it when told the next day!

Terry Marter:

Those who gossip can be such a pain.
They’ve no class, and their views are inane.
E.G: Trump’s a good case;
Gossip spews from his face,
Yet he thinks he’ll be Prez once again.

Jean McEwen:

Prying quidnuncs persistently wish
To find dirt on their foes, so they fish!
They’re expert consumers
Of bruit, tales, and rumors
That yentas reliably dish.

Lisi Nortman, for her “Juicy Gossip:

Did you hear that Mad’s led us astray?
She pilfered our verses last May!
Put them ALL in a book
You can find at “Book Nook”
Titled, “Never Write Lim’ricks This Way!”

Dave Johnson:

Whenever we go for a ride
On horseback, Sue’s quick to confide
Some secret she heard;
Now she’s spreading the word.
Her gossip is taken in stride.

Fred Bortz:

In Yiddish, they call her a Yenta.
She’s the one who believes virtue sent her.
Others’ favor she wins
By recounting your sins,
And there’s naught you can do to prevent her.

Tim James, a 2-verser:

There’s a statue of Zeus in the square,
Where the townsfolk have gathered to stare.
He’s buck naked, you see,
And his package is wee.
(He’s a god, though; that doesn’t seem fair.)

The chatter’s intense. “By my soul,
What poor loser would pose with that pole?”
“This was sculpted from life
By the mayor’s ex-wife!”
Idol gossip is out of control.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: CLASS, CATCH, FLASHY, STARE, GAIN.)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

When my last Class Reunion was done,
Someone nudged me to say that I’d won
At both “Glassy-eyed Stare”
And “Eat Muesli in Chair.”
See, you’re never too old to have fun.

Jean McEwen:

So you wonder why boys gape and stare
At your ass? Well, it’s practically bare!
Listen: Girls who dress flashy
Get treatment that’s trashy.
Attend to the clothes that you wear!

Lisi Nortman for her “Senior Citizen Mahjong Club”

Hot flashes are something we share.
We’ve no eyebrows, but lots of chin hair.
We’ve abandoned romance,
Cause we might wet our pants.
Yet, we still have that come-hither stare.

Edmund Conti:

There once was a golfer so flashy,
A bystander stared and said “Trashy.”
When she heard that oaf mutter,
She threw down her putter
And gave him a whack with her mashie.

Fred Bortz:

The laddie would stare at the lass,
Admiring the curve of her ass.
The way she was built
Got a rise ’neath his kilt,
Showing all that this Scot had no class.

Tim James:

Herschel Walker, a flashy young man
(Years ago), has been part of a plan
For a GOP gain.
It’s become very plain
He’s now only a flash in the pan.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

When I catch a rude stare from some lout,
Then I ponder, “What’s that all about?”
I prefer a good leer.
It may leave me in fear,
But at least it won’t leave me in doubt.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

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