I’m pleased to have gotten an Honorable Mention in the Washington Post Style Invitational’s 16th annual Limerixicon limerick contest: Here’s my HM-earning limerick:
If you’re tempted to kiss or embrace
A stranger whose beauty and grace
Make her hard to resist,
Don’t do it! Her fist
Just might land in a delicate place.
Here are my entries in the Washington Post Style Invitational’s “add some words in parentheses” to a song title contest:
Let It Snow (Somewhere Else)
50 Ways to Leave Your Lover (That Don’t Require A Restraining Order)
The Tide is High (Because You Over-Filled The Washing Machine)
(Optometrists Warn Us) Don’t Let the Stars Get in Your Eyes
(Why The Heck Would You Garnish My Martini With A) Peppermint Twist
(I Didn’t Say I Like You) Just the Way You Are (I Said I Like You Just The Way You Were)
I’ll Dance at Your Wedding (If You Guarantee Tips)
(Message) I Care
Guitar Polka (Has To Be Better Than Accordion Polka)
Bridge Over Troubled Water (In New Jersey)
It’s Time to Pay the Fiddler (Cuz He’s Threatening To Strike)
Livin’ on a Prayer (Cuz My Food Stamps Were Cut)
(I Have A Headache, So Don’t) Play that Funky Music
(How I Wish Our House Came With A) Handyman
On Second Thought (I Don’t Take You To Be My Lawfully Wedded Wife)
He’ll Have to Go (To The Bathroom)
Accentuate the Positive (If You Can Find Any)
(I’m Going To Hold My Breath) Until You Come Back to Me (That’s What I’m Gonna Do)
One Bad Apple (Will Ruin Your Pie)
Remember The Time (Our Wedding Is Supposed To Start)
What’s She Doing Now (And How Much Has She Had To Drink)
(You Don’t Deserve A) Good Hearted Woman
To All The girls I’ve Loved Before (I Have Some Really Bad News)
(Pay Your Movie Streaming Bill Or) Get Off Of My Cloud
One Way Or Another (I’ll Win This Contest)
You can find the entertaining winners list (which doesn’t include me) here.
Here are my entries in the Washington Post Style Invitational’s good/bad/ugly contest:
Good: While walking through a wildlife preserve, you encounter a crane.
Bad: It’s moving toward you, getting too close for comfort.
Ugly: A man in a hard hat yells, “Whoops!”
Good: You get a great sounding job and are promised tons of bread.
Bad: The job turns out to be boring.
Ugly: You’re paid in actual bread.
Good: You and your spouse like to dance, so you sign up for swing.
Bad: You enter the club and hate the music.
Ugly: The dancing is horizontal.
Good: You’ve earned an MS in Zoology.
Bad: Despite your credentials, finding a job is tough.
Ugly: You’re finally working in a real zoo … a New York deli.
You can find the entertaining winners list (which doesn’t include me) here.
Since I know absolutely nothing about sports, I probably shouldn’t have bothered entering the Washington Post Style Invitational contest that requested “sports fictoids.”
My failed fictitious sports trivia entries are here:
* One-quarter of all competitive curlers earn money off-season by cleaning houses.
* Over one-percent of all U.S. divorce complaints name the NFL as an “alienation of affection” correspondent.
* A mistranslation almost caused Olympic Basketball to be replaced by Hula Hoops.
* Babe Ruth and O. Henry were bitter enemies.
* The NFL “Super Bowl” was initially called the “Super Plate.”
You can read the winning sports fictoids here.
In a recent Washington Post Style Invitational contest, we were given some crossword puzzle answers and asked to provide our own amusing clues for some of the words. Many of the winning clues are hilarious, and you can read them all here.
But first, here are my losing entries:
ACID: Air conditioner’s name
ACTUAL: When you give it an “F,” little changes
BAGPIPES: Some music lovers would scotch this oboe’s cousin
CAPFUL: Conceited man’s hat
CIAO: An edible farewell
CLEFT: It fits the staff to a T
GUESTTOWEL: If you have to guess where it is, it’s time to go home
HENHOUSE: Its pecking order won’t change, even with a fox in charge
IRAN: I was late, so _____
IRAN: I was caught with nukes, so ______
LAVA: Virginia, in France
LUCKYROLL: Vincent Piazza in Boardwalk Empire
MILK: To take advantage on the farm
MOUE: The sneering sound of a disdainful French cow
OBOE: It begs for a rhyme
OBOE: This wooden wind is A-okay
OBOE: Playing this instrument’s a gamble, with odds of failure 440-1
PLACE: Where a noun you must bring;
neither person, nor thing.
POPSINGLES: Unmarried dads
PROSY: Averse verse
YEAH: Archaic doctor’s order
A recent Washington Post Style Invitational contest asked us to find a REAL headline in any publication, and “then write a ‘bank head’ that reinterprets the headline or comments wryly on it.”
Here are my entries, one of which got an Honorable Mention. Can you guess which? (The answer will appear “upside down” at the end of this post.)
Obama scoffs at people who call him a ‘socialist’
Socialists file libel suit
Saudi Arabian man arrested for giving out free hugs
“What? I should charge for them?” says Saudi hugger
Adam Levine is ‘People’ mag’s Sexiest Man Alive
People demand second opinion
Meet Magnus Carlsen, the ‘Justin Bieber’ of chess
Hunky Norwegian seeks World Chess, World Chest championships
Strand Bookstore ‘uses sprinklers to evict homeless’
Homeless thank Strand for first shower in years
Jake Gyllenhaal Punches Mirror on Set
In “fairest of them all” title dispute
Kidnapped Girl Found After 19-Year Manhunt
A girl-hunt might have been faster
Apple and Google “Dog Fight”
Pet-lovers stage boycott
Some Doctors Challenge New Statin Guidelines
Claim “whoever did the math must be on drugs”
Beaver steals hunter’s rifle
Pleads self-defense
Rob Ford stripped of key powers
Ford strips in protest, powers hurriedly restored
Belief is more powerful than proof
Prove it!
Dow, S&P close at new highs
Fox News explains why this is bad news for Obama
The Rules for Eating Lunch at Your Desk
Rule 1: Don’t!
Ted Turner wants to go to heaven
Clarifies: “No rush! Heaven can wait.”
Amazon Deforestation Rises
Increased e-book sales will reverse trend, Amazon claims
Chicago woman hopes to turn things around after 396 arrests
The 397th time’s the charm
Robots Allow Doctors To Remotely Advise, Diagnose Patients
Shrug off blame for “epidemic of golf course overcrowding”
Head defends dialect ban in class
Body disagrees
Dog Predicts Polar Bear Pregnancy
Denies paternity
Train Heading to NYC Goes Wrong-Way, Ends Up in Philly Suburbs
Stubborn conductor refuses to stop, ask for directions
McDonald’s restaurant turns to opera to drive out loitering teenagers
“Gounod’s Faust drives those devils out in five minutes flat,” says manager
Dinosaur Fossils Recreated Using CT Scanners and 3D Printers
Had great old time “doing it”
Rep. Trey Radel busted in cocaine sting
Poised to challenge Toronto’s Rob Ford in ’14 mayoralty race
Costco sorry for labeling Bibles as ‘fiction’
Relabels Bibles “sci-fi”
And here (in upside down form) is the entry that received an Honorable Mention:
„ɥsnɹ ou„ :sǝıɟıɹɐןɔ
uǝʌɐǝɥ oʇ oƃ oʇ sʇuɐʍ ɹǝuɹnʇ pǝʇ
:pɐǝɹ oʇ sɐ os ʇnɔ sɐʍ ʇı ‘ɹǝʌǝʍoɥ„˙ʇıɐʍ uɐɔ uǝʌɐǝɥ ¡ɥsnɹ ou„ :sǝıɟıɹɐןɔ
uǝʌɐǝɥ oʇ oƃ oʇ sʇuɐʍ ɹǝuɹnʇ pǝʇ
I love learning about the origin of words and phrases. But sometimes you just have to make things up:
1) In the first draft of Charles Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol,” Ebenezer Scrooge said “Bach! Humbug!” (Dickens despised Bach’s Christmas Oratorio.) But Dickens’ editor was worried about lawsuits and changed it to “Bah! Humbug!”
2) The second chair bass player of a now defunct symphony orchestra fantasized about playing first chair bass and marrying the principal bass player’s wife. When pulling strings didn’t work, he tried a different technique — poison. And that’s how he “got to first bass.”
3) In the early days of Broadway theater, actors had a bad habit of showing up for rehearsals dead drunk. Frustrated directors finally struck a deal with Actors’ Equity, which required actors to arrive at dress rehearsals sober. These final run-throughs were designated “dry runs.”
4) “Your Number’s Up” is a prize-winning tale about a society that murders its citizens on their 86th birthdays. The story climaxes with a revolt by the elderly, who “86″ their would-be killers.
5) Philosopher René Descartes was a boating fanatic with a speech defect. This led him to be credited with saying “Je pense, donc je suis” (“I think, therefore I am.”) Alas, what he really said was “Je punt, donc je suis.” But people were so impressed with what they thought he’d said, that he never bothered to correct them. This paid off in dividends, allowing him to purchase more than a dozen shallow water punts.
6) When people are “down in the dumps,”
They’ve been saddened by life’s little bumps.
But that phrase’s first sense
(Please do NOT take offense)
Was “plunged in what comes from our rumps.”
(I wrote these in response to a Washington Post Style Invitational contest that challenged us to write “bogus stories of the origins of familiar expressions.” You can read the winning entries here. And alas, I didn’t win.)
A recent Washington Post Style Invitational contest challenged us to “quote a song title or a line from a song and supply a question that that line might answer.”
I had a lot of fun with that contest, even though I didn’t win anything. Here’s what I submitted:
1) Yes sir, yes sir: Three bags full.
“Did you bring the cash?” — Congressman to Lobbyist
(Baa Baa Black Sheep)
2) Big Bad John.
Who’s the worst Speaker ever?
(Big Bad John)
3) Just Go Away!
“What do you want me to do?” — Obama to Republican leadership
(Just Go Away)
4) The candy man can.
Who can get me coke, quick?
(The Candy Man)
5) Get off of my cloud!
What message do you get when you’ve forgotten to pay your movie streaming bill?
(Get Off Of My Cloud)
6) Spacious skies.
What’s the upside of homelessness?
(America, The Beautiful)
7) Shady Lane.
What’s K Street’s nickname?
(The Naughty Lady of Shady Lane)
8) Doesn’t really matter to me.
How do Republican pols view unemployment?
(Bohemian Rhapsody)
9) Mama’s gonna buy you a diamond ring.
“What happens if I don’t find a husband?”
(Hush, Little Baby)
10) That’s what it’s all about!
Can’t you think about anything besides money?
(The Hokey Pokey)
11) All the girls I’ve loved before.
Why so many paternity tests?
(To All The girls I’ve Loved Before)
12) No more tears!
What do embarrassed Republicans keep saying to John Boehner?
(No More Tears)
13) Girls just want to have fun.
Why shouldn’t a woman be president?
(Girls Just Want To Have Fun)
14) It’s only make believe.
What do nay-sayers say about global warming?
(It’s Only Make Believe)
15) I’m leaving it up to you.
What do Republicans never say to women?
(I’m Leaving It Up to You)
16) I’m gonna be your number one.
What are your plans for 2016, Senator Paul?
(The Tide Is High)
17) I’m gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha!
“What are you planning?” — Obama to Republican leadership
(One Way Or Another)
I found the Washington Post Style Invitational Contest’s request for humorous fake safety regs especially challenging. (You’d think that being a recovering attorney would have helped my case, but no.)
Needless to say, I didn’t win. Here’s where to find the winners list.
And here are some non-inking entries from me:
Lawyers’ Offices: All parties who sign any contract are required to sign a second contract attesting to the fact that they read the first one.
Orthodox Jewish weddings & Bar Mitzvahs: Male dancers must be certified “capable of dancing without killing anyone” by an Orthodox rabbi, who himself has received such certification.
Figure skating jumps at the Olympics and other competitive events shall be limited to two rotations per jump.
Dining: Patrons may not sit near me at a restaurant without first signing a “spillage damage liability waiver.”
Elevators: No entry without breath mints.
In a recent Washington Post Style Invitational contest (Week 1043), we were challenged to invent fake celebrity reality shows. I enjoyed many of the winning entries, especially several of the Honorable Mentions. So be sure to click that link and read about those never-to-be shows.
Alas, no ink for me this week. But here are my three non-winning entries:
“Dancing Behind Bars.” Former “Dancing with the Stars” judge Bruno Tonioli launches his quest for “fast on their feet felons,” after running out of minimally talented dancers in the general population. “Inmates have so much talent, it’s criminal,” raves Bruno. “The cat burglars have stolen my heart! And those death row moves are killer!”
“The Sex Factor.” After losing control of the Miss USA and Miss Universe franchises in yet another bankruptcy, Donald Trump makes a comeback with a weekly beauty contest that, according to Trump, will be “really big” with “lots of bikinis and no interviews.” Says Trump, “girls should be seen and not heard … unless they went to Wharton.”
“Dancing Up In Mars” marks a “new frontier in reality TV, taking dance competitions to the next step.” Says host Newt Gingrich, “the gravity difference presents a grave challenge. But on the upside, Mars doesn’t enforce alimony laws. So no more checks to my six (or is it seven?) exes.”
In a recent Washington Post Style Invitational contest, we were asked “to find a question that was part of a song, and supply a humorous answer.” That “Week 1041” contest yielded some hilarious results, and I was pleased to get an Honorable Mention for this one:
* Why don’t we do it in the road?
The road doesn’t have cable.
(Why don’t we do it in the road? – Beatles)
Here were my other entries:
1) Are you sleeping? Are you sleeping?
Not anymore. Not anymore.
(Frère Jacques)
2) Who’s crying now?
Whoever spilled the milk.
(Who’s Crying Now? – Journey)
3) Where the party at?
On TV, complaining about the other party.
(Where the Party At?” – Jagged Edge)
4) Can U handle it?
Put That Thing Back!
(Can U Handle It? -Usher)
5) Why do I keep counting?
You still have fingers left.
(Why Do I Keep Counting?” – The Killers)
6) What kind of fool am I?
Res ipsa loquitur.
(What kind of fool am I? – Leslie Bricusse and Anthony Newley)
7) How can you mend a broken heart?
I can’t. I’m a gynecologist.
(How Can You Mend A Broken Heart? Bee Gees)
8) Isn’t she lovely?
Finally, an upside to blindness.
(Isn’t she lovely?- Stevie Wonder)
9) Do you wanna touch me there?
I’m calling the cops.
(Do You Wanna Touch Me? (Gary Glitter/Joan Jett & the Blackhearts)
10) Why don’t you get a job?
It’s The Economy, Stupid.
(Why Don’t You Get A Job? – The Offspring)
11) What’s the name of the game?
“What’d I say? Answer a question that’s posed in a song.”
(The Name Of The Game – ABBA)
12) Should I stay or should I go?
Eenie meenie miney mo.
(Should I Stay or Should I Go – The Clash)
13) Why does my heart feel so bad?”
Quadruple bypass?
(Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad? – Moby)
14) Why do I feel so sad?
Why do I feel so sad?
Why are your songs so bad?
Why are your songs so bad?
(Why Do I Feel So Sad? Alicia Keys)
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her political humor blog, or stop by her home page.
